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Monthly Archives: December 2011

Completely PCOS-unfriendly recipes!

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I’ve decided I’m taking this year out with a bang. And by that, I mean diabetic coma.  I am allowing myself to indulge in whatever I want today, whenever I want it. Mimosa at noon? Why not. Chicken fingers for breakfast? Sure. Sugar laden sugar with sugar on top? I’ll take two. Hubs and I are heading out to a cheap motel on PCH later on this afternoon, and are then joining a small party of about 3 couples at our friend’s house down in that same area for potluck dinner, drinks, and festivities.

I have made two weight loss/ insulin resistant/lactose intolerant unfriendly recipes to bring with me to the potluck we’re having later tonight. Just thinking about how amazing these two dishes taste is enough to spike my blood sugar. In case that you or anyone else you know wants to die by cheese and sugar, I have posted the recipes below for your viewing/cooking pleasure. These are the hits of every party that I bring them to: you seriously can’t go wrong with them.

Green Chile and Cheese Casserole

This recipe has been handed down to me by my aunt. It is devoured by any and everyone who loves cheese.

Ingredients:

3 7oz cans whole green chile, 2lbs shredded cheddar, 1 lb shredded Jack, 8 eggs, 4 tbsp flour, 2 12oz cans evaporated milk, 1tsp salt, 1tsp pepper

Grease a 9 x 13 inch baking pan. Preheat oven to 350.

Slice the chiles so they lay open and flat. Put half of them on the bottom of the pan. Layer with half the cheeses. Place second layer of chiles over the cheese. Sprinkle with remaining cheese. Stir together milk, eggs,  flour, salt and pepper. Pour over the chili and cheese. Bake for about 45 minutes until knife inserted comes out clean. Cry when you eat it because it’s so damn good.

Goat Cheese Cheesecake with Spiced Cherry Topping

This second recipe I got from Oprah Magazine almost 3 years ago. The flavors of the spiced cherries remind me of the holidays, and the cheesecake…well…let’s just say that it’s not low cal.

Here’s the link to the recipe! It’s a bit time consuming to make, but it will not disappoint.

Have a safe and happy evening tonight, and I’ll see you in the New Year!

 

 

I’m just along for the ride.

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You know that roller coaster ride? The one that looks kinda scary but do-able? Not “shit your pants” scary, but maybe a “few girlie screams and some good laughs after it’s all said and done” scary? So you wait in line for this coaster, you get to the front of the line, and you realize that the people getting off the ride aren’t smiling. They’re not laughing. They look pale and relieved to have made it through the ride alive. You take all of this information in in a matter of seconds, and next thing you know, you’re being strapped in. Some pimply teen employee walks by your chest strap and gives it a light pull (while texting). Your chest strap gives way a bit and you KNOW that it’s most likely going to malfunction on the ride. “Excuse…me….I think….is this strap….broken….???” But the teen minimum wage employee has walked on, and the ride begins. You’re on the ride, and there’s no getting off of it. It inches closer and closer to the top of some insane plunge, and although you really realllllllly don’t want to be on the ride anymore, you’re not going anywhere until it’s over.

At 12 years old, that coaster was Viper at Magic Mountain. At 31 years old, it’s TTC.

I woke up this morning around 3AM quite anxious and afraid…thinking about all of the unknowns associated with this coming year…my body and all of the shit associated with it is the coaster I don’t want to be strapped into anymore, but there’s no escaping it. I have to go along with it for the ride, as scary as it may be.

I mentioned a few posts back that I had a friend who was publicly open about her infertility on Facebook. Two weeks ago, she posted that she was not confident about her recent IUI taking, and got a bunch of annoying responses back from mommies who clearly had never gone through any sort of challenges ovulating or getting pregnant. I legitimately felt bad for her after reading those comments, and wrote her a private email just letting her know that I was there for her if she needed to talk, and that I was also going through a tough time with TTC.

She never responded.

It’s hard for me to admit when someone has hurt me because I tend to project a very “happy-go-lucky” lightness out into the “real” world, but it really stung that she didn’t write me back…I guess maybe I should look at why I wanted her to write me back so badly, or why I find it rude that she didn’t… but I feel like there is a sort of unspoken code around women dealing with infertility that if someone opens up to you about their own struggles while extending a supportive gesture about the IUI you just posted about, it’s very hurtful to ignore that. Am I crazy here? Would you ever ignore a support email from a fellow infertile?  Also, she is not a random friend, but someone who I see on a pretty regular basis.  So…she’d rather post to random “friends” who tell her to “just relax” on Facebook than have a real conversation with me? My infertile pride has been wounded.

Yesterday, this post showed up in my feed:

Infertile Friend: I’m trying to figure out whether it’s more beneficial to continue fertility treatments, or just throw a bunch of money into a pit instead. Both seem to be equally effective at this point, and the cost would be about the same.

So, I guess the IUI didn’t take.

Annoying Mommy Comment #1: I think if you just let it go, what will be, will be, remember it did not happen right away for your mom. I thought she once told me she had let go of all pressure she put on herself, and than it happened.

Face punch.

Annoying Mommy Comment #2: Go for a long weekend somewhere, drink heavily and don’t think about it. That’s how we got Griffin. 🙂

Really? It’s that easy?! What’s the emoticon for bitch slapping your 🙂
Annoying Daddy Comment #3: We never did fertility stuff, but we had a real hard time! Many years of trying! Who knows the answer! All that I know is that putting a man on a schedule and telling him that you are ovulating is not the way to go, at least not for me! I told my woman to take me when it was time!
Umm…I *guess* that was supportive, but…TMI?
Annoying Daddy Comment #4: Have you given any thoughts to Eastern Medicine techniques?
Forehead slap.
Annoying Mommy Comment #5: Take the DHEA 25 mg 3 times a day! What have you got to loose.
This woman recommended DHEA in the last post. Love her follow through.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I will never ever ever post about infertility on Facebook. But…is it possible that my friend enjoys all of these annoying comments? I wrote her an email last time partially due to the fact that if I received these comments after my fourth failed IUI, I seriously would loose my shit on these people.  But now I feel a distance from this friend…brought to me in the form of a status update.
Sigh.
It’s going to be a long ride.

RIP, Vibrator

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Ahhh, back from Palm Springs, and refreshed! Hubs and I had an amazing time, and I was even able to relax given that he forbid me to make hard and fast dinner reservations for the sake of his sanity. We ended up finding an ah-may-zing restaurant right near our hotel that will go down as one of the best meals I’ve had in the last 5 years. If you’re ever in the Palm Springs area, do your mouth a favor and try Solano’s  Bistro. Holy crap. Ah-may-zing.

I’m still sleeping like shit, unfortunately. But, as is usually the case when I’m up at night, strange to-do-lists and random thoughts pop into my head. In last night’s case, I was lying in bed when my eyes popped wide open as I remembered that I left my vibrator in the hotel room in the little drawer next to the bible. Not only will I be missing my trusty friend…I can imagine some poor cleaning woman shaking her head and gingerly picking it up with gloves on…or maybe it’s still sitting in the bible drawer keeping Jesus company…at any rate, the thought was enough to cause me to cringe at 3AM this morning.

I have a weird feeling that 2012 will be a big year…although I can’t quite tell if it’s because I’m going to kick up the fertility stuff a good notch or two and I’m psyching myself out. I have not started my Metformin yet, but will do that Jan 2. I still haven’t gotten a “real” flow from the Provera…my last pill of the batch of 10 I took was on Monday. I’m continuing to spot a bit here and there, and have been continuing to have horrible night sweats and dry skin (I’m attributing this to low estrogen levels, even though I haven’t confirmed this with a blood test yet…) If I don’t get a period in the next week, I’m seeing the doc again.

Step #1:Buy a new vibrator ASAP!

Step #2: Start the Met next week. See the doc if my period hasn’t arrived yet. I still want to get some blood work done so I have a baseline for everything to come this year.

Step #3: Cross my fingers that I can start to cycle on Met. Also start some acupuncture.

Step #4: Attempt to maintain sanity and not drive Hubs crazy through all of this. Attempt to keep some semblance of a normal, sexy sex life…not just neurotic temp-based sex.

 

 

Day #5 Insanity Challenge and Chin Hair Update

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So, I know that I barely updated you with stories of my Insanity Challenge this week, but believe it or not…I made it to DAY 5! Today will make 5 sweaty days since I started the challenge last Tuesday. Had I not been stuffing my face with 5,000 calories per night of latkes, blintzes, prime rib, mashed potatoes, pie, cookies, more prime rib, twice baked potatoes, green bean casserole, chili cheese casserole, and caramel popcorn from one of those big tubs, I may have lost some weight. That being said, I don’t think I gained any weight, and my shoulder muscles feel a bit more jacked.

One of the highlights of the Insanity Workout is that Hubs and I get to throw expletives at the screen against one of the women (Tanya) who is part of the Insanity workout crew. Every exercise she does is met with an overly dramatic “fierce” look that screams attention whore. I have come to realize after Googling “I hate Tanya from Insanity”, there are other people who share my hatred. I’ve even joined the Facebook page. It’s hard to explain her behavior in the videos without seeing it, but given my crafty ability to use Google to my advantage, I’ve found out she has her own exercise DVD out there. Please tell me that this doesn’t make you want to bitch slap yourself after viewing it:

On a more positive note, my Chin Hair Count was down to 12 this week from 15 last week. My spearmint tea may be working yet…

Week 4: 12

Week 3: 15

Week 2: 17

Week 1: 15

Today Hubs and I head to our two day mini vaycay in Indian Wells (right outside of Palm Springs) We’re staying at the Miramonte Resort and Spa which we got off Priceline at an insanely reduced cost. Anything with “resort” and “spa” in the title works for me, but they aren’t kidding on those Priceline commercials. We totally pulled a Shatner and got a great price for the room.

I finish my Provera today, and then will probably start the Metformin after the New Year. I don’t want to deal with unknown side effects of the Met as I try to relax on my week off this week. Nope. This week will be spas, sleep, and general drunkenness on NYE.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re celebrating today…

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I want to wish all of my readers a very happy, healthy finale to 2011 and fresh start to 2012. Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Happy Whatever the Holiday Is You Enjoy Celebrating!

It’s early here, and everything is still. There is peace where I am right now, and I am trying to maintain that feeling as I head into 2012 and the great unknown of what next year will bring.

At my house, my husband and I celebrate Hanukah, although there are many people in my family who celebrate Christmas. My closest friend in the world is Hindu, and she has her own holidays of celebration which are colorful, unique, delightful and different from anything you would see at a mall or on a holiday special. Regardless of what you celebrate, the coming together of family and friends to share gifts, food, and good times (for the most part!) is universal.

In my tradition, we light a menorah for 8 nights to symbolize the purification of the holy temple in Jerusalem after it had been decimated during a war that happened over 2,000 years ago.  As the story goes, the temple was so badly damaged that there was only oil enough to last for one night, yet the oil continued to burn for 8 nights. Booyeah! A miracle! Who knows if the story is actually true–skeptical me thinks it’s probably been embellished, if it really even happened at all… The interesting thing to me is the takeaway of the story. “Hanukah” means “dedication” in Hebrew. Literally, Hanukah symbolizes a “dedication” or sanctification of a holy place. But “dedication” has an alternate meaning, as we all know. It means to try and try and try at something without giving up. A flame continues to burn–even when everyone else swears up and down that there isn’t enough oil to go on. Even when you, yourself might think that there is not enough strength to go on.

I wish everyone peace and dedication in 2012. May our oil burn bright in the coming year!

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet insomnia…how I’ve missed you…

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For the better part of my adult life, I have battled insomnia. It’s a vicious cycle of waking up multiple times during the night (usually between 12 and 3AM), falling back to sleep around 5AM, just in time to drag myself out of bed around 7AM to get ready for work.  The lack of consistent sleep at night makes me exhausted and ready for bed around 9PM (real fun for Hubs!).

For the last few months, I was doing great with insomnia. I had quit caffeine and immediately began to notice an improvement in my sleep. Mystery solved! However, over the last week or so, the insomnia has crept back in. I had wine last night…so maybe alcohol did it? But there have been nights this week I haven’t slept where there was no alcohol at all. I’m thinking it might be the Provera. I’ve been having some cramping, headaches, night sweats and general lethargy on these pills. I’ve also been feeling a little bit like this guy:

You know the feeling? It’s like my brain has been left in a case of frosted glass. I try to smudge the glass so I can see clearly, but it just fogs up again. Everything is dampened and muted. Cracking a smile feels like an exercise in fakeness. I snapped at Hubs yesterday because he didn’t want to make dinner reservations for our two-day trip to Palm Springs next week and instead preferred to keep things looser on the trip. You would have thought that he had just told me he wanted a divorce.

I believe that I have always had mild to moderate depression. I have never been on medication for it, but sometimes I wish I could pop a pill now and then that makes me feel like this:

I have read about PCOS and depression being linked (there was a great article I read on Soul Cysters about PCOS, depression, and slightly elevated testosterone levels that really hit home). Or, perhaps my malaise the last few days has been due to the Provera…? Dunno. All I know is, this sucks…and the big question is: what infomercial should I watch? Slap Chop, or Proactiv?

No more blood updates!**

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Last night as hubs and I were cursing at the TV in pools of our own sweat (yes, I did Day #1 of Insanity Week, thankyouverymuch!), I began to get pretty bad cramps. My brown spotting turned into dark purplish gross semi-flow, and I wondered if I should still keep popping these progesterone pills for another 4 days.

Then, in the midst of my moving pushups and plyometric knee jumps from hell, an angelic voice rose from the negative OCD brain of mine:

Fuck it. Take your fucking pills, and quit worrying.

Easy as pie.

So, for the next 4 days, you will not hear another word about brown, purple, or even red blood. I know you’re disappointed that you won’t be getting daily updates on the consistency of my vaginal fluids, and trust me: the over sharer in me reeealllly wants to give you the updates, BUT I’m taking my fucking pills, and I’m not worrying. I can’t put my brain through another 4 days of Google searches about “dark purple blood and progesterone”. Unless my uterus falls out. Then I’ll post about that.

** I reserve the right to completely negate this entry and begin obsessing again at any time.