So, I know that I said that I had broken up with temping. And that is not a lie. I have not taken my temperature in about a week, and was feeling better. Until…the EWCM came. Or, as I like to call it, “Ew… Cervical Mucus”. Well, this naturally got me in a tizzy because we all KNOW what Ew… Cervical Mucus means. IMMINENT OVULATION!!! Muah ha haaaaaa.
With the intensity of a mad scientist mixed with the desperation of a heroine addict shooting up., I pissed in a cup, dipped my cheapo bought-in-bulk ovulation test in said piss, and came up with a strong line, and a line that was a bit less strong. This, according to the test, is a negative. So, rather than leave well enough alone, I busted out my ovulation microscope. Anyone ever used one? Me either. Until a couple of days ago. You put your spit on a slide, and if you’re ovulating, it looks like a pattern of beautiful ferns under the scope (this is caused by a rise in estrogen, I think). According to my EWCM, I should have been ferning the shit out of that slide.
What I got was what the instructions call a “Transitional Fern”. It looked somewhere between a beautiful fertile fern, and a fern turd.
It looked something like this:
I thought that over the next couple of days, it would blossom into a beautiful fern, indicating ovulation, like this fertile bitch’s fern I found on the internet:
But nope. My ferns have stayed decidedly turd-like and non-committal, ranging from none to a few cool looking ones over the last few days. My EWCM is gone like Keyser Sose.
Using my powers of deduction, I’m concluding a couple of things: #1: Ovulation test strips suck ass. I think my LH levels may always produce a semi-positive result, therefore I shouldn’t really bother with them. #2: My body wants to ovulate, and it gears up to do that (hence the EWCM), but then fails to trigger, and stays in a lagging period for days until it finally says “fuck it”, forms a cyst, cracks open a beer and scratches itself.