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I am a Transitional Fern

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So, I know that I said that I had broken up with temping. And that is not a lie. I have not taken my temperature in about a week, and was feeling better. Until…the EWCM came. Or, as I like to call it, “Ew… Cervical Mucus”. Well, this naturally got me in a tizzy because we all KNOW what Ew… Cervical Mucus means. IMMINENT OVULATION!!! Muah ha haaaaaa.

With the intensity of a mad scientist mixed with the desperation of a heroine addict shooting up., I pissed in a cup, dipped my cheapo bought-in-bulk ovulation test in said piss, and came up with a strong line, and a line that was a bit less strong. This, according to the test, is a negative. So, rather than leave well enough alone, I busted out my ovulation microscope. Anyone ever used one? Me either. Until a couple of days ago. You put your spit on a slide, and if you’re ovulating, it looks like a pattern of beautiful ferns under the scope (this is caused by a rise in estrogen, I think). According to my EWCM, I should have been ferning the shit out of that slide.

What I got was what the instructions call a “Transitional Fern”. It looked somewhere between a beautiful fertile fern, and a fern turd.

It looked something like this:

I thought that over the next couple of days, it would blossom into a beautiful fern, indicating ovulation, like this fertile bitch’s fern I found on the internet:

But nope. My ferns have stayed decidedly turd-like and non-committal, ranging from none to a few cool looking ones over the last few days. My EWCM is gone like Keyser Sose.

Using my powers of deduction, I’m concluding a couple of things: #1: Ovulation test strips suck ass. I think my LH levels may always produce a semi-positive result, therefore I shouldn’t really bother with them. #2: My body wants to ovulate, and it gears up to do that (hence the EWCM), but then fails to trigger, and stays in a lagging period for days until it finally says “fuck it”, forms a cyst, cracks open a beer and scratches itself.

 

 

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

3 responses »

  1. Hahaha! I’m totally picturing your ovaries cracking open a beer.
    Sorry about the ovulation issue though. The pee sticks drive me a bit crazy too, which is why I have to temp also. Ive never tried the spit fern thing. Hmm…..

    Reply
  2. My body does that too, so I have to give it a kick in the ass (a.k.a. a trigger shot) to make it ovulate.

    Reply
  3. EWCM is so tricky when you have PCOS. I never invested in ferning because my fertility signs were always so screwed up. This is the biggest benefit of doing IUIs and IVF – all that monitoring = no charting and no worry that I’ll miss ovulation. 🙂

    Reply

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