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Obsession–In my case, it’s not a fragrance.

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Today, I had a mini meltdown on the phone with my mom. I hadn’t really ever opened up to her about what exactly was going on, but I realized that PCOS is becoming a large part of my life, and my conversations with her had become stilted and awkward with me avoiding the topic and making pleasantries over the phone with her. I needed to let her know what was going on. I attempted to be nonchalant about it, but as soon as I said the words aloud, “I’m sort of concerned because…well, I haven’t had my period in three months, and I don’t know what to do…” the tears started flowing.

A bit about my mom: She’s not the warm, bake you cookies, happy homemaker type. She’s a petite, business savvy CPA who often times looks at things in a very hard, cut and dry way. The bottom line.  This was, at times, disappointing when I was a young girl, and even when I was older. I craved the warmth and cushiness that other girls got from their mothers. My mom did my taxes, and cheered my career accomplishments. Not exactly warm and fuzzy, but very utilitarian. That being said, as I’ve grown older, the fact that my mom is so incredibly supportive of me in her own way has been a comfort I have come to appreciate. She lives 100% by her word, ALWAYS shows up when needed, and gets shit done. I appreciated this about her today.

As I sobbed into the phone about PCOS, she asked a couple of forgivably dumb questions for someone who has no real clue what PCOS entails (“So, you’re taking your temperature and you’re sure you’re not ovulating?”) but for the most part, she was very reassuring. She also told me that perhaps…I was obsessing a bit on the whole period thing. (Really? I mean, I only think about it AT ALL TIMES, EVERY FUCKING DAY.)

She mentioned that perhaps… for a couple of months… I should eat what I want, gain 5-10 pounds, exercise when I want (or not) and basically chill the fuck out (her words, not mine). Reevaluate in February or March if I still haven’t had a period, but truly do not think about it until then.I guess it was her own version of “Just relax”, except it didn’t sound patronizing or condescending. She didn’t tell me “Just relax, and pregnancy will magically happen for you”. She said, “Just relax, because you’re driving yourself fucking nuts.”

She has a point. My obsession with my body and my health have been leading to incredible amounts of anxiety. I went through a list of foods I couldn’t eat due to insulin resistance, low glycemic, low sugar, no dairy, no alcohol, and no caffeine. Basically what I’m left with is vegetables and hormone free meat. I’m anxietal that anything I do will be adversely effecting my ovulation. It’s not a relaxing way to live, and maybe my body is rebelling?

Anyhow–there is something to be said about throwing caution to the wind, and just living my life very free and loose the next couple of months. The idea feels more relaxing to me already.

Now for the big question…How does one relax?

 

 

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

3 responses »

  1. I actually would almost like to take a break, but the control freak in me isn’t letting that happen.Honestly, I’m not sure I know HOW. I’m right there with you (with the obsessing, too)

    Reply
  2. Yeah after today my husband wants us to take a break next month. I told him I’ll be more stressed out if we take a break because it means we’re “wasting” a month. If you can bring yourself to take a break go for it!

    Reply
    • Dude. I just read your IUI post! What a freaking DAY you had. I totally get that it would be hard to push the pause button for you…and I am sending very POSITIVE vibes to you for your 2WW.

      Reply

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