I feel disgusting right now. Absolutely gross. My skin is dry, my stomach feels bloated, my boobs have deflated a cup size since I got off the pill, and I’m sleeping like shit. My hair is falling out. I’m always cold. I have chin hair.
I was lying awake in bed at 5AM this morning and Hubs noticed that I was awake. He put his arm around me and said, “I’m here”. That simple gesture was enough to bring tears to my eyes, but I rolled over and hid them from him because I am trying to be strong about all of this, and the last thing I want to do is add my hormonal nonsense to the pretty little picture here.
The entry I wrote a couple of days ago about not obsessing has gone out the window…I can’t stop the incessant thoughts about why the hell I’m not ovulating from going around and around my head. It’s a bottomed-out empty feeling that no one can understand unless they’ve gone through it. Trying to talk to Hubs about these feelings is futile. There are no words to explain the pain. Talking to my mother, or my sister who got pregnant the first month off the pill is also not going to help. It’s like trying to explain blindness to people who have seen their entire lives. There is nothing about this that they can relate to. It’s inexplicable…the feeling that your body rhythm is completely out of synch. There is no net, no compass, no reset button. Our bodies were built to follow a rhythm, and I have none. I’ve tried for three months to laugh it off, shrug it off, and be playful about it, but it hurts right now on a very deep level. I am trying to grasp and harness something that is completely intangible. I wish there was a way to fix me from the inside out… look at a blood test, and say, “Ah ha! Here’s exactly what you need to do…” But all I get on the internet is about 10 million web pages of differing advice.
I’m sure the hormonal fucked-upedness going on in my body is in no way helping me to be rational and sane in this moment. It just all feels so dismal right now.