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I’m in a gross place.

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Spoiler alert: This is not a happy, put on a smiley face entry. Bitching will ensue in 5, 4, 3, 2…

I feel disgusting right now. Absolutely gross. My skin is dry, my stomach feels bloated, my boobs have deflated a cup size since I got off the pill, and I’m sleeping like shit. My hair is falling out. I’m always cold. I have chin hair.

I was lying awake in bed at 5AM this morning and Hubs noticed that I was awake. He put his arm around me and said, “I’m here”. That simple gesture was enough to bring tears to my eyes, but I rolled over and hid them from him because I am trying to be strong about all of this, and the last thing I want to do is add my hormonal nonsense to the pretty little picture here.

The entry I wrote a couple of days ago about not obsessing has gone out the window…I can’t stop the incessant thoughts about why the hell I’m not ovulating from going around and around my head. It’s a bottomed-out empty feeling that no one can understand unless they’ve gone through it. Trying to talk to Hubs about these feelings is futile. There are no words to explain the pain. Talking to my mother, or my sister who got pregnant the first month off the pill is also not going to help. It’s like trying to explain blindness to people who have seen their entire lives. There is nothing about this that they can relate to. It’s inexplicable…the feeling that your body rhythm is completely out of synch. There is no net, no compass, no reset button.  Our bodies were built to follow a rhythm, and I have none. I’ve tried for three months to laugh it off, shrug it off, and be playful about it, but it hurts right now on a very deep level. I am trying to grasp and harness something that is completely intangible. I wish there was a way to fix me from the inside out… look at a blood test, and say, “Ah ha! Here’s exactly what you need to do…” But all I get on the internet is about 10 million web pages of differing advice.

I’m sure the hormonal fucked-upedness going on in my body is in no way helping me to be rational and sane in this moment. It just all feels so dismal right now.

 

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

5 responses »

  1. I’m here babe. I feel like I was where you are about a year and a half ago. There is so much information out there, that it is totally overwhelming. Anytime you need to vent, I’m a phone call away! xo

    Reply
  2. It does suck. And no one that hasn’t been through it can get it. They can try but they don’t get it. But the fact that you’re husband did that is proof you’re not in it alone. You have him and you have the blog-world. You’ll make it through.

    Reply
  3. I am just starting this process, which I know is entirely different than where you are, but… I so appreciated reading this. It’s so hard to know how to process my feelings and concerns; I don’t want to show any weakness. It’s an odd place in which I’m existing now, and you described it perfectly. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Thanks so much for this comment, Meri. Although I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS since early 2010, I’ve only just started TTC about 4 months ago so I feel like in many ways, I’m starting from the beginning again. There are a lot of unknowns, but it feels so great to have a community of women out there to share things with–even the weaknesses! Have a great holiday, and I look forward to following your journey.

      Reply

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