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Don’t be this Fertile

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Yesterday’s post by Cornfed Feminist really hit the mark for me. Thanks, Cornfed. Exhibit D was especially potent, as she discusses being a Closet Infertile. This is particularly true in my case, especially since I’ve only been trying to be an Out Of the Closet Pregnant for 4 months.  I’m in a place where people still think I may be enjoying my first year of being married and “waiting” to get pregnant, although unfortunately for me, I couldn’t shut the fuck up enough before I got married about talking to any and everyone about how much Hubs and I wanted to start a family “soon”. We allllll know what “soon” means to a 31 and 38 year old couple. It means that if I’ve been married since May, I should be at LEAST 5 months along by now.

It’s hard to be a Closet Infertile. The issues and frustrations surrounding trying to get pregnant are virtually all-consuming. And yet, for some reason, I can’t talk about them to anyone outside of Hubs and maybe 2 trusted friends. I only just told my mom there “might” be a problem, but I don’t think she really believes in her heart (yet) that I have an issue.Why is this? Why isn’t it socially acceptable to be just as open about Infertility as Fertility?

What the Fertile community may not be aware of is that every time they bitch about a pregnancy symptom, or rub their belly, groan and say, “If this kid gets any bigger, I’m going to burst!” or, “If I so much as LOOK at my husband, I get pregnant!” what it comes off as to an Infertile is that they are gloating. This is partly due to our jealousy that some people can so easily have what we want, but in many cases, I believe that they are gloating. It’s like the really beautiful, skinny girl in high school who complained about her one “bad hair day”, or that asshole who, when asked what college he went to says, “Oh, I went to school in Cambridge, Mass.” He doesn’t just come right out and say HARVARD because he wants you to play his shitty “guess how smart I am” game. I believe there are many pregnant women out there who wear their fertility as some sort of badge of honor.

“But Sunny”, you say, “a pregnant woman shouldn’t have to hide her pregnant belly from the world just so a nasty Infertile like you doesn’t think she’s gloating about it.” It’s true: a pregnant woman can’t help the fact that her protruding stomach is, by default, a message to the world about her fertility, which in my argument, could be construed as “gloating”. However, when I look at a pregnant woman, I don’t immediately assume that she hasn’t had a rough journey getting there. It’s only when she opens her mouth to bitch about her variety of symptoms, or posts a picture of her and her husband kissing her pregnant belly under a “mistletoe” of pink baby shoes (thanks, Facebook!) that I want to vomit.

Speaking of Facebook, a good friend of mine is an Out-Of-The-Closet Infertile who posts all of the time on Facebook about her journey towards having a baby. I have learned about her HSG, her fertility drugs, and two IUIs through status updates. I know that some of us Closets are cringing right now–how could she be posting such a personal struggle for the whole world to see? I personally think what she’s doing is kind of brilliant. She’s turning the whole act of sharing on Facebook on its head. She’s bringing to light, very publicly, an issue that so many of us face, and she’s doing it with no apologies, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. That has to be freeing, in a way, I just don’t think I could stomach it.

Here’s the down side of being an Out of the Closet Infertile: yesterday, she posted that she was going in for her second IUI, and that she was not confidant that it worked. She got three comments, all from people who either had a picture of a baby as their profile pic, or were clearly annoying mommies from their Facebook page:

Friend’s Status Update: IUI Round Two today. Don’t have high hopes for this one, as nothing seemed to go quite right this time.

Mommy 1 Comment: Sometimes when nothing feels right…it actually is. 


Mommy 2 Comment: Dont know if you are taking this but try DHEA. 25 mg 3 times a day. It increases the amount of follicles and provides for better quality eggs. I can vouch for it. It works. I have been on it for a few months. Its worth it.

Oh, the wonderful, “Have you tried this?” advice.

Mommy 3 Comment: Whatever happens, you have a wonderful life. xo

Mommy 3, I’m sure my friend will note that as she looks at all of the pics you have of your kids on Facebook.

So, as much as I admire her for posting, I don’t know how she doesn’t claw her own uterus out after comments like these. It’s everything I hate about Facebook…and more!

Nope, I think I’ll remain a Closet Infertile…and silently mutter under my breath every time a pregnant woman yawns and says that being pregnant is so…draining.


About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

9 responses »

  1. O.M.G. Those fucking comments from those mommies are exactly what I know I would get if I went public on FB. And I would lose my shit, even on a good day, thereby losing a lot of friends who can’t help their fertility and don’t realize that what they’re saying is the worst thing they could possibly say. Yeah. Staying in the closet so I don’t have to be friendless IRL. Thanks for reinforcing my decision! 🙂

  2. And that is one of the creepiest maternity photos I’ve ever seen.

  3. Being open about infertility does not mean that you have to post on facebook. I have never hidden the fact that we are struggling but have also never posted on facebook about anything EXCEPT to announce that we lost the baby that we had just announced we were expecting the day before. Being open about it has brought out a whole slew of women who shared their miscarriage stories as well as kept all questions about “when are you guys going to have kids?” at bay. Most people now ask how we are doing rather than any inquiries into our fertility and IT IS REALLY NICE! I strongly suggest you open up to family and close friends at the bare minimum, for the most part they will be much more understanding and they will shut the fuck up about the pregnancy/child woes around you.

  4. Someone actually had the gall to remind her of her wonderful life? It’s comments like that that make me cringe and takes every ounce of willpower sometimes not to say: STFU

  5. Oh wow….I would punch Mommy 1, slap Mommy 2 and drop kick mommy 3. I have a FB friend who is also an out of the closet infertile and posts about it often, but she does not get the same reaction. In fact, most are very supportive, simply offering prayers, crossed fingers, and lots and lots of “baby dust,” so coming out with it can be a positive thing sometimes, but I agree it may not be best for everyone. I don’t knowif I could do it either…..But anyway, Good luck to you!

    Oh, and I agree, those photos are STRANGE!!

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  8. This is awesome! I am an out of the closet infertile, but since my miscarriage last summer/fall I don’t post about it on FB. If someone asks I tell, but for the most part I keep it in the family…the part of it that’s not pregnant! P.S. Gross PG Pic! LOL!


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