Yesterday’s post by Cornfed Feminist really hit the mark for me. Thanks, Cornfed. Exhibit D was especially potent, as she discusses being a Closet Infertile. This is particularly true in my case, especially since I’ve only been trying to be an Out Of the Closet Pregnant for 4 months. I’m in a place where people still think I may be enjoying my first year of being married and “waiting” to get pregnant, although unfortunately for me, I couldn’t shut the fuck up enough before I got married about talking to any and everyone about how much Hubs and I wanted to start a family “soon”. We allllll know what “soon” means to a 31 and 38 year old couple. It means that if I’ve been married since May, I should be at LEAST 5 months along by now.
It’s hard to be a Closet Infertile. The issues and frustrations surrounding trying to get pregnant are virtually all-consuming. And yet, for some reason, I can’t talk about them to anyone outside of Hubs and maybe 2 trusted friends. I only just told my mom there “might” be a problem, but I don’t think she really believes in her heart (yet) that I have an issue.Why is this? Why isn’t it socially acceptable to be just as open about Infertility as Fertility?
What the Fertile community may not be aware of is that every time they bitch about a pregnancy symptom, or rub their belly, groan and say, “If this kid gets any bigger, I’m going to burst!” or, “If I so much as LOOK at my husband, I get pregnant!” what it comes off as to an Infertile is that they are gloating. This is partly due to our jealousy that some people can so easily have what we want, but in many cases, I believe that they are gloating. It’s like the really beautiful, skinny girl in high school who complained about her one “bad hair day”, or that asshole who, when asked what college he went to says, “Oh, I went to school in Cambridge, Mass.” He doesn’t just come right out and say HARVARD because he wants you to play his shitty “guess how smart I am” game. I believe there are many pregnant women out there who wear their fertility as some sort of badge of honor.
“But Sunny”, you say, “a pregnant woman shouldn’t have to hide her pregnant belly from the world just so a nasty Infertile like you doesn’t think she’s gloating about it.” It’s true: a pregnant woman can’t help the fact that her protruding stomach is, by default, a message to the world about her fertility, which in my argument, could be construed as “gloating”. However, when I look at a pregnant woman, I don’t immediately assume that she hasn’t had a rough journey getting there. It’s only when she opens her mouth to bitch about her variety of symptoms, or posts a picture of her and her husband kissing her pregnant belly under a “mistletoe” of pink baby shoes (thanks, Facebook!) that I want to vomit.
Speaking of Facebook, a good friend of mine is an Out-Of-The-Closet Infertile who posts all of the time on Facebook about her journey towards having a baby. I have learned about her HSG, her fertility drugs, and two IUIs through status updates. I know that some of us Closets are cringing right now–how could she be posting such a personal struggle for the whole world to see? I personally think what she’s doing is kind of brilliant. She’s turning the whole act of sharing on Facebook on its head. She’s bringing to light, very publicly, an issue that so many of us face, and she’s doing it with no apologies, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. That has to be freeing, in a way, I just don’t think I could stomach it.
Here’s the down side of being an Out of the Closet Infertile: yesterday, she posted that she was going in for her second IUI, and that she was not confidant that it worked. She got three comments, all from people who either had a picture of a baby as their profile pic, or were clearly annoying mommies from their Facebook page:
Friend’s Status Update: IUI Round Two today. Don’t have high hopes for this one, as nothing seemed to go quite right this time.
Mommy 1 Comment: Sometimes when nothing feels right…it actually is.
Mommy 2 Comment: Dont know if you are taking this but try DHEA. 25 mg 3 times a day. It increases the amount of follicles and provides for better quality eggs. I can vouch for it. It works. I have been on it for a few months. Its worth it.
Oh, the wonderful, “Have you tried this?” advice.
Mommy 3 Comment: Whatever happens, you have a wonderful life. xo
Mommy 3, I’m sure my friend will note that as she looks at all of the pics you have of your kids on Facebook.
So, as much as I admire her for posting, I don’t know how she doesn’t claw her own uterus out after comments like these. It’s everything I hate about Facebook…and more!
Nope, I think I’ll remain a Closet Infertile…and silently mutter under my breath every time a pregnant woman yawns and says that being pregnant is so…draining.