Does anyone else feel like sometimes, when you’re so immersed in the nitty gritty of all of the science of TTC, you forget that the outcome of all of this is an actual human being? It’s hard for me to think beyond cysts, hormones, ovulation, Metformin pills, basal body temperature and sperm. It just dawned on me today that a baby comes out of this process. An actual human with legs and arms…in my stomach.
Not that I’m not excited by this thought….it’s just something that I sometimes forget about from time to time as I go through the constant obsessive thoughts about why my ovaries have decided not to ovulate. It’s as if by constantly looking at things under this microscopic lens, I loose sight of the bigger picture…I envy those mothers around me who never had to give conception a second thought. No worry or care entered their mind about the exact moment their egg was released and when they were timing intercourse. Instead, they get to throw back a few drinks one night for some St. Patty’s Day party at a crappy dive bar, sloppily boink their husband (or boyfriend. Or fuck buddy. Or whatever) later that night, and a couple of months later realize that oops! They’re pregnant.
I feel so jealous that these women can see the forest, and don’t have to spend all day looking at a tree (or in my case, the vein of a leaf on one tree in a really really big forest). They see the baby–they don’t see the sperm and egg. I’m so tired of thinking about eggs and sperm…I want to think about fingers and toes, and really soft, sweet smelling baby hair. I want to think of my body not as a collection of ovaries, uterine lining, and fallopian tubes, but simply as the body of a mother. “Mother” is the sum of all of my parts…and that is who I want to be.
The picture above is an electron microscope image of a heliotrope leaf. If you’re anything like me, you’d swear it was sperm attacking an egg. We see what we want to see!