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Rainbow Wheel of Death

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We all know that symbol.









It usually happens when you open one too many programs at the same time on your computer. All of a sudden, you’re trapped in that rainbow wheel vortex. At first, you’re mildly annoyed. You think, “Hmm.ย  A rainbow wheel of death. I’ll just wait it out–I’m sure this will all resolve in a few seconds.” But the wheel keeps spinning. You go from mild annoyance to: “Ok. WTF.” You start pushing random buttons. You hit ESC about 43 times. “Control Alt Delete Motha Fuckaaaaa!!”At this point your blood is boiling. You start contemplating the meaning of all microscopic life forms that have flowed out of the primordial ooze to create the butterfly wings that flapped and gave us The Jersey Shore and your defunct ovaries.

But that rainbow wheel of death keeps twirling away.

This is infertility in a nut shell.

What started as a simple scratching of my head that I had not ovulated in a couple of months has led me to information overload and a paralyzing rainbow wheel inside of myself. Whatever direction I choose seems laden with side effects, pros and cons, “every body is different”, “it didn’t work for me, but it worked for others”…so I sit here paralyzed. I’m ready to chuck my body against a wall, move to the woods, and go “Walden Pond” on the universe.

What has spurred these feelings this morning?

Well, the natural progesterone cream I ordered off Amazon came in the mail yesterday. I had forgotten I’d ordered it–this was a little bit over a week ago when I was frantically searching the 1.2 million web pages for “Natural PCOS remedies.”ย  It was just one more thing to add to the list of things to try, and it was $20 so what the hell.

I am at a point now where I don’t expect anything to work. I’m taking my Vitamin D, Omega 3, Metformin, Calcium, and Vitamin B Complex every single day without a noticeable change in anything. I’m going gluten free. I am about to try acupuncture, but part of me worries that may be akin to flushing my money down the drain.

I feel slightly embarrassed to write this, but I used the natural progesterone cream last night, and again this morning. I have about 1% faith that this stuff will actually help me normalize. The only thing that is keeping my hopes alive are the Amazon reviews about it, and the general research I’ve done online that discusses the progesterone deficiencies that most PCOS women have. I’m going to try using it for the 14 recommended days and see if it helps.

In the meantime, I just want the rainbow wheel to stop spinning. I know how to get there, but it’s akin to telling a crack addict to stop hitting the pipe. I wish there were a way I could control my impulses to research fertility. The more I know, the more I overload my system, the more the rainbow wheel spins. I don’t want to be this way.I keep saying I’m not going to Dr. Google anything, and then I do. I suppose I’m the only one who can change this habit.






About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

15 responses »

  1. This is totally off topic, but have you seen the movie Date Night? When I see that rainbow wheel I immediately think of that movie. ๐Ÿ™‚ also, I’m totally with you on the infertility reference.

  2. Super funny analogy! I totally know what you mean. I keep saying to my husband that there must be a best practice for all these things, why donโ€™t we know what it is? And in the meantime, we canโ€™t possibly take every piece of advice, so how are we supposed to pick and choose? And how long do you try something before you decide it doesn’t work? It’s so frustrating!

    • My husband and I have this conversation pretty much daily. It usually involves him coming into the room, seeing me at me on the computer, and then saying, “any news on your ovaries?” He hates this as much as I do, and was utterly shocked when we were first looking into this that there wasn’t a magic pill that would make it all go away.

  3. Theresa beat me to it! “Stupid rainbow spinney wheel!”

    It happened to me too last night….stupid iPhoto slows me down EVERY time! I took a shower when I realized it would be a while. I don’t know how long it took to un-freeze but it was fixed when I got done. Now that’s what I call being efficient!

    Out of curiosity, what version of the operating system are you running on? I’m like 2 versoins outdated. I think I still have Tiger. All I remember is it’s 10.4 something. I got it in 2007 so now that it’s old, I’m wondering if the slowness is indicative of me needing an upgrade.

    • Lol–my Mac is from 2005 (I have issues getting rid of things that aren’t “broken”). I don’t know what version of anything I have–only that my iTunes stopped working once because the version was so old!

      • Ah, but alas you still answered my question…your Mac is old like mine. Oh, and on that “not being broken” thing….I’m typing this on an external keyboard because I spilled wine on my keyboard so the A, !, and delete buttons actually don’t work. Only those three though!

        Anyway, hope the progesterone does the trick!

  4. Hang in there, Sunny. I won’t tell you it ever gets easier because I try not to lie as a rule, but it will get less overwhelming, and there is a bright side. The more informed you are, the better decisions you can make for yourself. The one thing I have learned is this – get a great physician ASAP. It will seem a little less overwhelming with a good professional at your side. Get all the questions you can get answered, and take heart. It’s a tough situation we find ourselves in, but for all the failures out there, there are plenty of successes also. The biggest problem with IF is that it is a time consumer. It will eat your life if you let it, so do the best you can to find those other things in life that you love to distract yourself as much as possible. The Vampire Diaries, and other perfectly useless TV, works well for me. It’s SO much easier to focus on fake drama then it is the real deal. Some people call it escapism…I call it survival!

    • Thanks Steph. I am definitely on the lookout for a great RE in LOs Angeles. I have a few leads. They’re all around $350-$450 for an initial consult, but I guess there’s no way around the cost. Right now, Downton Abbey, Breaking Bad, and Mad Men are my TV of choice for stopping the wheel of death for a while!

  5. Here from ICLW, I think I’m going to follow you, you just made me crack up! We have something in common, I’m a compulsive googler, and in combination with my science background, that has really taken me places, so its NOT a bad thing, though you just have to figure out where to draw the line. I do agree with Steph, both in the getting a good RE bit, and the turning to anything that works as a good distraction.

    I’m a huge vitamin D activist (my blog is practically dedicated to it)—its role in PCOS is really interesting. In some people, it really looks like its the magic bullet and in others, not so much. There are many, many roads to PCOS, an a vitamin D deficiency may be one of them in some people.

    When you supplement though, make sure you are taking enough- its a tricksy thing, I was taking close to 2000 IU a day during my pregnancy, and I found I was clinically deficient after my loss. For me, it takes 4000 IU/day to maintain my blood levels over 30 ng/ml, and doubling up made a noticeable difference in both my ovaries and my cycle- it really increased my progesterone (based on symptoms only) and my LP length.

    I don’t know if this will make you gnash your teeth in frustration or hold out hope, but see
    Kriste’s response, on page 1.

    I think Dr Williams, who posts on the next page has a point- you have to try different things to fix your own flavor of PCOS, and some people, just unfortunately might have to get on the medication bandwagon.

    Jay ICLW # 8

    • Hi Jay!! I’m so glad you found me on ICLW. I will definitely visit your blog ๐Ÿ™‚ I have been on 4K iu of Vitamin D, plus Calcium to help absorption. We’ll see. That link you sent was great–really informative. It’s about finding the right medley of treatment, and all of that will take time and patience…both of which feel like they are running thin.

      Glad you enjoyed the post ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. I’m not 100% sure but I *think* you’re supposed to take the progesterone AFTER you ovulate. But I could be wrong. I am on progesterone suppositories and I was supposed to take them two days after I ovulated (without them my LP was like 4 days. bleh).

    My only hesitation to be like TRY EVERYTHING! is that you don’t know what’s working and what isn’t, so you can become overwhelmed with all the things you’re doing and not know which ones to stop.

    • Hey Robin! In an ideal world, yes, you would take progesterone after ovulation. BUT since I don’t ovulate ever at all, building up the progesterone with the natural bioidentical cream will supposedly cause a withdrawl bleed (like Provera) when I stop after 14 days, and also take the edge of off any estrogen dominance I may have due to months of anovulation. This in turn may help future ovulation by balancing my hormones. After this first attempt, I will chart to see if I ovulate on my next cycle. If I do, I will make sure to take the progesterone AFTER ovulation so that I don’t suppress ovulation. If I don’t ovulate by Day 16 or 17 of my next cycle, I will use the cream again.

      And, if none of that works, it’s off to the land of Clomid.

  7. Hi I’m glad I found your blog. I also have crazy irregular cycles and am TTC. Good luck to you!


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