We all know that symbol.
It usually happens when you open one too many programs at the same time on your computer. All of a sudden, you’re trapped in that rainbow wheel vortex. At first, you’re mildly annoyed. You think, “Hmm. A rainbow wheel of death. I’ll just wait it out–I’m sure this will all resolve in a few seconds.” But the wheel keeps spinning. You go from mild annoyance to: “Ok. WTF.” You start pushing random buttons. You hit ESC about 43 times. “Control Alt Delete Motha Fuckaaaaa!!”At this point your blood is boiling. You start contemplating the meaning of all microscopic life forms that have flowed out of the primordial ooze to create the butterfly wings that flapped and gave us The Jersey Shore and your defunct ovaries.
But that rainbow wheel of death keeps twirling away.
This is infertility in a nut shell.
What started as a simple scratching of my head that I had not ovulated in a couple of months has led me to information overload and a paralyzing rainbow wheel inside of myself. Whatever direction I choose seems laden with side effects, pros and cons, “every body is different”, “it didn’t work for me, but it worked for others”…so I sit here paralyzed. I’m ready to chuck my body against a wall, move to the woods, and go “Walden Pond” on the universe.
What has spurred these feelings this morning?
Well, the natural progesterone cream I ordered off Amazon came in the mail yesterday. I had forgotten I’d ordered it–this was a little bit over a week ago when I was frantically searching the 1.2 million web pages for “Natural PCOS remedies.” It was just one more thing to add to the list of things to try, and it was $20 so what the hell.
I am at a point now where I don’t expect anything to work. I’m taking my Vitamin D, Omega 3, Metformin, Calcium, and Vitamin B Complex every single day without a noticeable change in anything. I’m going gluten free. I am about to try acupuncture, but part of me worries that may be akin to flushing my money down the drain.
I feel slightly embarrassed to write this, but I used the natural progesterone cream last night, and again this morning. I have about 1% faith that this stuff will actually help me normalize. The only thing that is keeping my hopes alive are the Amazon reviews about it, and the general research I’ve done online that discusses the progesterone deficiencies that most PCOS women have. I’m going to try using it for the 14 recommended days and see if it helps.
In the meantime, I just want the rainbow wheel to stop spinning. I know how to get there, but it’s akin to telling a crack addict to stop hitting the pipe. I wish there were a way I could control my impulses to research fertility. The more I know, the more I overload my system, the more the rainbow wheel spins. I don’t want to be this way.I keep saying I’m not going to Dr. Google anything, and then I do. I suppose I’m the only one who can change this habit.