Evil Matzo Ball

Wow! I had no idea when I was writing my dentist post that so many of you would have such similar situations! Thanks for all of your comments on that one. As it turned out, going to the dentist did not make me want to extract my own teeth. First up: I have the world’s best hygienist. Seriously, this woman is amazing. She did remember that I was “trying” the last time I came in, but I told her I wasn’t pregnant this time around, and that Hubs and I were experiencing some “challenges” in that area. Screw it. I’m not pretending with anyone anymore. She gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and simply said, “I’m so sorry to hear that, but I’m sure you’re looking into all of the things you can do to help you for that. You’re going to be fine.” I said, “Thanks.” And then we moved right along to the X Rays. The dentist didn’t ask about any of the pregnancy stuff when he came in to do my exam. It was awesome! Her response was a welcome departure from the puzzled looks, or free advice I usually get thrown when I mention that we’re having difficulties getting pregnant.

Please, God, don’t let me have the same conversation with her at my next checkup.

On other fronts, I have a sneaking suspicion that my cycle is going to be a little bitch again. CD 18 and my temp is still very low. Cervical mucus is sticky–you know–the kind that actually kills sperm? I had a hopeful day of really wet CM on CD 13, and some ovary pain on my left side, but I have a feeling whatever follicle was attempting to ripen and mature is just chilling now on my ovary as a cyst.

I’m feeling really defeated today.

I departed slightly from the elimination diet and reintroduced a matzo ball into my world a couple of days ago. That night I woke up with intestinal pain, gas and bloating, and IBS issues. It also appears as though I now have a couple of mild yeast infection symptoms. So yeah. There is clearly something up with wheat.

I’m just getting tired of it all…I got so excited to see some sort of flow a couple of weeks ago, but if I’m not even ovulating, what the hell is the point? I’ve eaten more fruits and vegetables this month than I have in a year. I’ve given up all forms of caffeine and alcohol. I don’t even eat sugar anymore. My reaction to the f-ing matzo ball now has me paranoid to deviate at all from the elimination diet…

Ugh.

Is it Friday yet?

Telling the dentist I’m infertile

Right around the time that I went to the dentist for a cleaning last, I had recently gotten off the pill in hopes of TTC. Of course, back then, I had no clue that my body would go into some sort of anovulatory shock.

As part of my checkup, my dentist told me that I was due for my X Rays, and I, (the blushing infertile-to-be) told him that there was a small chance–get this–that I might be pregnant, and that I probably shouldn’t do the X Rays this time around. I guess for some reason, it was early enough in the game to where I thought back then that I might be ovulating…. any minute now? I dunno. Regardless, the dentist was excited for me, the hygienist was excited for me, and I was told to come back in a few weeks if my pregnancy test turned out to be negative so I could get those X Rays.

Yeah….

I didn’t come back in.

Until now, that is. It’s time for another 6 month cleaning! I’m going to assume that my dentist is going to know my pregnancy test was negative based on the fact that I clearly am not pregnant. I’m also going to have to explain that I’ve been going through some IF stuff. It’s going to be awesome! I can’t wait!

Especially since my dentist’s office is plastered with family photos of his wife and four perfect children in matching white T-Shirts and khakis.

Fighting and Flossing

Well, I was debating whether or not to blog about this…but in the spirit of keeping it real, I thought I would give it a go.

For the past two days, Hubs and I have been fighting. It hasn’t been a continuous fight– more ebbing and flowing in a fucked up hamster wheel of “you said this” and “but you do that too.” Two nights ago was awful. We were having a pleasant talk in bed that turned ugly based on…well…I can’t exactly remember what triggered it. I know I felt hurt at one point after I told him about my stressful day at work and he told me my job “really wasn’t THAT bad”. There were then other things I said to him to knock him down a few pegs after that comment…things I regret…and two hours later, we were in never ending argument hell.

The fight was an amped up version of the fights we usually have: He called me critical, non supportive, anxietal, repressed, and I called him repetitive, narcissistic, harsh, and an asshole. He told me I was trying to control him. I told him he is completely disinterested in anyone but himself.  Neither of us could stop trying to be “the right one”–especially me. He told me I’m anxietal like my mom, I lashed back and told him he’s narcissistic like his mom…the fight spiraled into mud slinging until he turned his back on me in bed and went to sleep. I fell asleep and had an awful dream that we were moving to Seattle and I quit my job without knowing for sure that I’d be hired for a new one. The realization that I didn’t have a job terrified me. I woke up sweating, heart pounding, and crying.

I’m sorry, but that whole “don’t go to bed angry” just makes me roll my eyes. What planet did the person who came up with that adage live on? One of the qualities I love most about Hubs (which is also the thing that can infuriate me about him at times) is that he will fight for the truth in every situation. And if that means we go to bed angry because the truth is we are still angry, so be it. The other thing I love about Hubs is that he refuses to sleep in another room, even if we’re fighting. He believes in the importance of always sharing a bed, and I have great respect for that.

Yesterday morning after our fight, we didn’t speak. I left for work then class and when I came home at 10PM, he was already sleeping. This morning, we hugged it out and sort of made up before I left for work, but we then made the mistake of dipping our toe back into Fight Land again by recapping the fight. I had seriously wounded Hubs by telling him he was a narcissist and criticizing his mom. He was still very upset. This caused all of the raw emotions from the night before to bubble up to the surface again and created ANOTHER of the exact same arguments. Grrrr!! Hubs stormed out to go to teach class, and I completely crumbled. I cried at home for a few hours and called in sick to work today.

I wish that I could have handled our fight better…but when things are left unresolved, it leaves me feeling infantile, raw, and unable to be consoled. The fight combined with being stressed to the max at work and still unable to reach for sweets, caffeine or alcohol to soothe me, created a tipping point today and I couldn’t control the tears. I hate to admit that I have control issues, but I know I do. When Hubs and I fight, everything seems completely out of control and it makes me bat shit if it is not resolved.  Today, I couldn’t  shelve the feelings and move on to another aspect of my life.

Hubs came home this afternoon, and we were able to talk things through without rehashing the details of the fight. Both of us were battered and broken from it all. After two days of intense arguing, we were both able to see the other’s perspective a bit better, and things are feeling good between us again.

Tonight, I cleaned the bathroom top to bottom for an hour and Hubs came into the bathroom after I was done. He hugged me and said that no matter what we fight about, I’ll never have to worry–he’s not going anywhere. To that I said, “Me either”. We hugged in the freshly cleaned bathroom,  flossed together, and had a pleasant rest of the evening. Marriage is funny that way.

 

Goal!!!!

As of yesterday, I reached Day 28 of my Elimination Diet.

Today I have a Mexican soccer announcer in my head at all times.

I didn’t expect trumpets to sound or anything, but damn, I feel proud! I’m usually really bad about sticking with things.  It’s not an attractive trait, but about 75% of the time, I will set a goal for myself and slowly fizzle out from it.

Today? I got called up on stage to accept my award for completing a crazy person diet.

I’d like to thank all of my fans and blog supporters who coached me through some really tough times the last 4 weeks, and Intuitive Health Lady for keeping me motivated!

And thank you, Dawson, for making me laugh at you this morning as I googled “crying oscar speech”.

Here’s the thing: I’ve made a complete 180 from where I was at the start. I don’t think I want to stop the diet! I keep toying with the idea of stopping, but I feel so great I don’t want to loose the feeling. It’s hard to explain….but the diet makes me feel skinny on the inside. My intestines feel healthy again! I’m peeing clear! And don’t even get me started on getting my period. Hell freakin YEAH.

So, now what?

Well, first up: I’m not going back to dairy. All the cheese, milk and eggs I was basing my diet around are bye bye. Although I don’t know for certain what was causing my IBS symptoms, I have a very strong feeling that it was the dairy. Second up: I don’t want to get so neurotic about what I’m eating that I turn into one of “those people” at restaurants. If I get a fleck of goat cheese in my salad, I am not going to scrunch my nose and send it back to the kitchen. When I go out to dinner, I will eat very sensibly, but I’m not worrying if they cook the fish in butter or olive oil, or whatever.

As for the sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and bread products, I think I’m going to keep them eliminated about 90% of the time.

Never. I repeat. Never. did I think I would be saying these things.

So, while I won’t be boring you further with stories from the front lines of my insane eating habits, just know that I am sticking to the program, taking my Green Drink of Terror, and chugging my liquid iron and B vitamins like a good little infertile.

This weekend I had enough energy to go on my 8 mile hike up the coastal area of Pacific Palisades. 4 miles straight up hill, but man, was it a gorgeous view at the top.

 

 

 

ICLW #3–Welcome!

G’day peeps! If this is your first time here through ICLW, welcome! If it isn’t your first time here, thank you for being enticed enough by my polycystic ramblings to come back for second helpings. You should try the hard boiled ovaries. They’re delightful.

I recently did a 100th entry post that pretty much sums up my journey over the last 6 or 7 months of TTC. Click here to read oodles and oodles about my nether regions and kooky health plan over the last couple of months which eventually led me to (spoiler alert) get a period.

The short story is, I have PCOS. I’ve had irregular periods since I started having periods, although I was never formally diagnosed until I was 30 (I’m almost 32 now).I went off BCP in August of 2011 so Hubs and I could start TTC. For 7 loooooong months, I didn’t get a period. As a last ditch effort before starting Clomid, in March I went to see a Chinese medicine/nutritionist/acupuncturist who I have labeled Intuitive Health Lady. Within 4 weeks of starting acupuncture, and a FREAKING INSANE diet in which I eliminated all foods that brought me joy, I JUST got a period last week. Crazy.

So, now I’m holding off on the Clomid for another month to see if I can keep the period trend up au natural. I’m on the last 3 days of my 28 day Elimination Diet, and am also debating whether or not I should continue with the diet since it seemed to have jolted my system back into cycling again. Goal is to get my ovaries popping eggs like a Pez dispenser, and my system cycling like a Lance Armstrong.

Happy ICLW! I look forward to checking out your blogs this week.

 

 

Fertile Franny Had her baby

Facebook alert! Facebook Alert! Come one, come all! Fertile Franny (who got really uncomfortable about hearing how hard it is for me to get pregnant and totally saw me crying at dinner) has had her second child! Huzzah!

What this means:

1. Fertile Franny has only had sex twice (since this is exactly how many times she needed to have sex to conceive two children).

2. I need a Facebook Fast. For realsie.

I’ve read about many bloggers taking a Facebook “time out” because, well, shit. Facebook is a really depressing place for an IF-er. This week, I have been hit with no less than 2 ultrasound pics, one pregnancy announcement, and three “hello world! I’m a newborn!” posts where I’m confronted with mishapen-head- from-birth-canal alien pics.

Sorry kid. I’m sure you’ll be really cute one day, but not now, and please… not while I’m eating.

See? I’m getting bitter and jaded. I’m getting sad and frustrated that I can’t magically pop a misshapen head kid from my nether regions and groan like an earth mother lioness while doing so. I envy these moms who can do this. My little sister is one of those moms I can’t stand it now…on Facebook, she complains about her son’s sleeping patterns, and how sore her boobs are. I’m on a slow burn that she got pregnant on her first try. I can’t tell her this. I can’t tell her that all of her Facebook posts bitching about how my nephew “just won’t nap” enrage me.

Seriously? Is this your biggest problem? Blow me.

Yes, a Facebook Fast is in order. I have to stop pissing myself off by looking at everyone else’s happy families.  7 Days, and we’ll see if I can’t do more! I will start first thing tomorrow.

 

Work is actually making me work

Argh! Would these people I work with STOP making me work so I can update my blog, already? Yeesh.

Sorry I have been lagging on scintillating updates lately.

Reasons for this:

1. I have been working my ass off this week, and have started another night class to finish my Nursing School prereqs.

2. My life has not been quite so scintillating lately. Mostly hum drum.

The danger of life getting hum drum (ie: wake up, work, bathe, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat), I tend to get bored and create fitness and/or health challenges for myself that I don’t follow through with. Since I’m actually following through with my health challenge this time around, thoughts of signing up for the Portland Marathon in October have been crossing my mind. Because why exercise in moderation when you could : TRAIN FOR A MARATHON?? Of course, I hope to be pregnant by October…I hate having to plan life around whether or not I may (or may not) be pregnant.

I have mentioned it a bit off an on on the blog, but before my life was a 24/7 living hell on monitoring my vaginal fluids and ovulation, I enjoyed running. In 2007 I ran my first marathon, and then did two more in 2008. Since then, my running has tapered off into a mere trickle. Well…not really a trickle…more like a wheezing, lung burning, painful process that I haven’t attempted in the last year.

Over the last few weeks, the diet I’ve been on has walloped me with a double dose of feel-like-shit detox, but now that I’ve crossed over to the other side, I have been feeling a renewed energy that makes me want to get back out and RUN (or, trot pathetically around my block and claw at my  lungs, in my case). I have to start somewhere. My body is telling me that it wants to get moving again.

So this week, I am going to run 1 (maybe 2) miles. Don’t know when, but I will do it. I’m also going on an 8 mile hike on Sunday with a couple of girl friends. Should be fun! Hubs is out of town holing himself up in a hotel room so he can finish his dissertation in the next 2 weeks, and not be distracted. Apparently, I’m so damn sexy and amazing to live with, he needs to adopt a monk-like existence to finish. Either that, or the fact that I watch Real Housewives isn’t conducive to concentrating.

From today until Sunday I will be free to burp, fart, and poop with the door open if I please. Not gonna lie. I’m a *little* bit excited about this. (Squeal!)  I lived alone for six years before Hubs and I married, and I must admit, I do miss romping around the house naked eating random leftovers with my hands, and singing at the top of my lungs to MIKA.

Here’s primo Dance Around the House Naked Music. I may be listening to this over the weekend.