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Fighting and Flossing

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Well, I was debating whether or not to blog about this…but in the spirit of keeping it real, I thought I would give it a go.

For the past two days, Hubs and I have been fighting. It hasn’t been a continuous fight– more ebbing and flowing in a fucked up hamster wheel of “you said this” and “but you do that too.” Two nights ago was awful. We were having a pleasant talk in bed that turned ugly based on…well…I can’t exactly remember what triggered it. I know I felt hurt at one point after I told him about my stressful day at work and he told me my job “really wasn’t THAT bad”. There were then other things I said to him to knock him down a few pegs after that comment…things I regret…and two hours later, we were in never ending argument hell.

The fight was an amped up version of the fights we usually have: He called me critical, non supportive, anxietal, repressed, and I called him repetitive, narcissistic, harsh, and an asshole. He told me I was trying to control him. I told him he is completely disinterested in anyone but himself.  Neither of us could stop trying to be “the right one”–especially me. He told me I’m anxietal like my mom, I lashed back and told him he’s narcissistic like his mom…the fight spiraled into mud slinging until he turned his back on me in bed and went to sleep. I fell asleep and had an awful dream that we were moving to Seattle and I quit my job without knowing for sure that I’d be hired for a new one. The realization that I didn’t have a job terrified me. I woke up sweating, heart pounding, and crying.

I’m sorry, but that whole “don’t go to bed angry” just makes me roll my eyes. What planet did the person who came up with that adage live on? One of the qualities I love most about Hubs (which is also the thing that can infuriate me about him at times) is that he will fight for the truth in every situation. And if that means we go to bed angry because the truth is we are still angry, so be it. The other thing I love about Hubs is that he refuses to sleep in another room, even if we’re fighting. He believes in the importance of always sharing a bed, and I have great respect for that.

Yesterday morning after our fight, we didn’t speak. I left for work then class and when I came home at 10PM, he was already sleeping. This morning, we hugged it out and sort of made up before I left for work, but we then made the mistake of dipping our toe back into Fight Land again by recapping the fight. I had seriously wounded Hubs by telling him he was a narcissist and criticizing his mom. He was still very upset. This caused all of the raw emotions from the night before to bubble up to the surface again and created ANOTHER of the exact same arguments. Grrrr!! Hubs stormed out to go to teach class, and I completely crumbled. I cried at home for a few hours and called in sick to work today.

I wish that I could have handled our fight better…but when things are left unresolved, it leaves me feeling infantile, raw, and unable to be consoled. The fight combined with being stressed to the max at work and still unable to reach for sweets, caffeine or alcohol to soothe me, created a tipping point today and I couldn’t control the tears. I hate to admit that I have control issues, but I know I do. When Hubs and I fight, everything seems completely out of control and it makes me bat shit if it is not resolved.  Today, I couldn’t  shelve the feelings and move on to another aspect of my life.

Hubs came home this afternoon, and we were able to talk things through without rehashing the details of the fight. Both of us were battered and broken from it all. After two days of intense arguing, we were both able to see the other’s perspective a bit better, and things are feeling good between us again.

Tonight, I cleaned the bathroom top to bottom for an hour and Hubs came into the bathroom after I was done. He hugged me and said that no matter what we fight about, I’ll never have to worry–he’s not going anywhere. To that I said, “Me either”. We hugged in the freshly cleaned bathroom,  flossed together, and had a pleasant rest of the evening. Marriage is funny that way.

 

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

15 responses »

  1. BG and I are so similar. Yes we argue, but we don’t walk out of the room on each other and, we don’t hang up the phone on each other. (Ending an argument by walking away is a huge pet peeve of mine.) And in the end we always make up, and we know that no one is going anywhere. I think that’s important.

    I wish that IF and life were not so stressful. I think sometimes it’s the stress talking and not either one of us.

    I’m glad you flossed together and had a pleasant evening in the end.

    Reply
    • I totally agree…IF does not make things calmer and easier on anything. I know that we’d still fight even if I were a fertile, but the added layer of stress about how/when we’ll get pregnant is icing on the fight cake.

      Reply
  2. I love that you guys flossed together 🙂

    Mr. Husband and I have similar fights that spiral and turn into epic mud slinging battles. He is a last word kind of guy and I am hell bent on getting an apology. It makes for some battles that are so loud the cats come creeping up and start gently pawing us, “Mommy… Daddy… why is you so hateful?” It breaks my heart that we end up like this sometimes. I am trying to start a new tactic that we are not to run around the same argument for more than 10 minutes. After 10 minutes we close it and move on. Typically if it is not resolved in 10 minutes it was something dumb from the beginning and does not need more time or energy. If it does, we reopen the discussion when everyone has cooled off a bit – usually several days later.

    Reply
    • I need to remember this comment when we get into another hamster wheel fight. A wise woman said to me once, “do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy.” Hubs and I are both still in the “be right” mentality. Hubs is better than I am at attempting to close the argument after 10 minutes, but I need to learn to let go and close the topic, too. We have fish, so I hear a lot of “blub blub blub” when we raise our voices around them. They cry on the inside 🙂

      Reply
  3. Thanks for sharing – it’s tough to put vulnerabilities “out there” for the blogging world to see. I’m glad you guys worked through the argument, even if it took a few days. That’s the beauty of a good marriage! To work through issues and not forget that in the end, you really love each other and will make it work.

    Reply
  4. I also feel like if my husband and I are fighting I can’t focus on anything else, like my whole world is on shaky legs. However, I am in the don’t go to sleep angry camp, which sucks because sometimes we’re up all night and the next day is rotten, but it means there is a time when the fight has to end and it has to be resolved. Also because I know I won’t be able to sleep if we’re fighting. :-/

    Reply
  5. Omg that sounds like Hubster and I! I’m sorry you were fighting and that you were feeling so bad. I’m glad you two were able to come to a resolution and the words weren’t any worse than they were. I love that you flossed together!

    Reply
  6. Well, at least you know you’re not alone, we have very similar fights in which we ALWAYS call each other one thing or another, he always calls me selfish, I tell him I KNOW I’m selfish but he’s just as selfish and he just won’t admit it etc etc. I’m glad you guys were able to work through it even if it took 2 days and I completely agree with that whole going to bed angry thing! Sometimes you NEED to go to bed, sleep it off and come back to the argument…i mean DISCUSSION in the morning when you’ve both had time to calm down.

    Reply
  7. Been there! My advice to newly married couples is always that it’s ok to go to bed angry. Sometimes things look better on the otherside. Any married couple who claims they don’t fight like that is lying. I’mglad you guys sorted it out and flossed together–two very important parts of any marriage 🙂

    Reply
  8. Great post! I just want to say I agree with the whole “never go to bed angry” thing being total BS sometimes. Early on, hubs and I realized sometimes we need time to sort through our feelings and can’t communicate effectively until we have. So when we fight, we usually make up the next day over a couple of VERY LONG e-mails.

    But I love how you both know that, even though you fight, neither of you want out. I feel the same way and think it’s an indicator of a strong marriage. Glad you two made up!

    Reply
  9. I’m sorry love. Fighting with the hubs just adds to all the stress. 😦

    Reply
  10. You gals rock. Thanks for all of your comments. It helps to know that Hubs and I aren’t the only ones who carry on like this.

    Reply
  11. hello from iclw, it’s nice to meet you and sort of jump right into you life 🙂 i can understand the fighting, it sounds like pretty normal stuff to me. isn’t it funny that the qualities we love in our husbands also sometimes end up being the most undesirable qualities as well? anyway, i’m glad you were able to resolve it, being mad at your husband is no fun.

    Reply
  12. Our fights are ridiculous because A just lets things build up and then explodes. And I go to bed angry and he goes downstairs and plays videogames and after an hour or two I can’t stand it anymore and I go downstairs and cry on his lap until things are ok again. Fights are weird.

    Reply
    • Lol–this is totally not *really* funny, but funny because I can relate to the insanity that is the weirdness of fights. I’m more of a “bottle it up/repress”, and Hubs is the verbal vomit get it all out in the open kind of person, so it makes for interesting arguments! 🙂

      Reply

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