Well, I was debating whether or not to blog about this…but in the spirit of keeping it real, I thought I would give it a go.
For the past two days, Hubs and I have been fighting. It hasn’t been a continuous fight– more ebbing and flowing in a fucked up hamster wheel of “you said this” and “but you do that too.” Two nights ago was awful. We were having a pleasant talk in bed that turned ugly based on…well…I can’t exactly remember what triggered it. I know I felt hurt at one point after I told him about my stressful day at work and he told me my job “really wasn’t THAT bad”. There were then other things I said to him to knock him down a few pegs after that comment…things I regret…and two hours later, we were in never ending argument hell.
The fight was an amped up version of the fights we usually have: He called me critical, non supportive, anxietal, repressed, and I called him repetitive, narcissistic, harsh, and an asshole. He told me I was trying to control him. I told him he is completely disinterested in anyone but himself. Neither of us could stop trying to be “the right one”–especially me. He told me I’m anxietal like my mom, I lashed back and told him he’s narcissistic like his mom…the fight spiraled into mud slinging until he turned his back on me in bed and went to sleep. I fell asleep and had an awful dream that we were moving to Seattle and I quit my job without knowing for sure that I’d be hired for a new one. The realization that I didn’t have a job terrified me. I woke up sweating, heart pounding, and crying.
I’m sorry, but that whole “don’t go to bed angry” just makes me roll my eyes. What planet did the person who came up with that adage live on? One of the qualities I love most about Hubs (which is also the thing that can infuriate me about him at times) is that he will fight for the truth in every situation. And if that means we go to bed angry because the truth is we are still angry, so be it. The other thing I love about Hubs is that he refuses to sleep in another room, even if we’re fighting. He believes in the importance of always sharing a bed, and I have great respect for that.
Yesterday morning after our fight, we didn’t speak. I left for work then class and when I came home at 10PM, he was already sleeping. This morning, we hugged it out and sort of made up before I left for work, but we then made the mistake of dipping our toe back into Fight Land again by recapping the fight. I had seriously wounded Hubs by telling him he was a narcissist and criticizing his mom. He was still very upset. This caused all of the raw emotions from the night before to bubble up to the surface again and created ANOTHER of the exact same arguments. Grrrr!! Hubs stormed out to go to teach class, and I completely crumbled. I cried at home for a few hours and called in sick to work today.
I wish that I could have handled our fight better…but when things are left unresolved, it leaves me feeling infantile, raw, and unable to be consoled. The fight combined with being stressed to the max at work and still unable to reach for sweets, caffeine or alcohol to soothe me, created a tipping point today and I couldn’t control the tears. I hate to admit that I have control issues, but I know I do. When Hubs and I fight, everything seems completely out of control and it makes me bat shit if it is not resolved. Today, I couldn’t shelve the feelings and move on to another aspect of my life.
Hubs came home this afternoon, and we were able to talk things through without rehashing the details of the fight. Both of us were battered and broken from it all. After two days of intense arguing, we were both able to see the other’s perspective a bit better, and things are feeling good between us again.
Tonight, I cleaned the bathroom top to bottom for an hour and Hubs came into the bathroom after I was done. He hugged me and said that no matter what we fight about, I’ll never have to worry–he’s not going anywhere. To that I said, “Me either”. We hugged in the freshly cleaned bathroom, flossed together, and had a pleasant rest of the evening. Marriage is funny that way.