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Fertility Enemy

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CD 20 and no where close to ovulating. How do I know? Oh, I just *know*. I know what my body feels like when it’s on track to ovulate, and I’m not experiencing any of the signs. Some unknown chemical/hormonal/whatever-the-fuck reaction is going on in my body has shut down my cycle. Again.

Fertility “Friend” is now known as Fertility Enemy. I’m not “friends” with a website that fucks with me this badly.  I dread going on to log in my BBT numbers. I hate that every time I have sex with my husband, Fertility Enemy tells me the next morning that I am still no where close to ovulating, and then has the audacity to put a little pink heart on my chart to represent our attempts at baby making. I hate that I view sex as futile during these times. I want it to be FUN and raunchy, and “maybe we shouldn’t” right now because I could get pregnant but to hell with it, we’re so hot for each other that we’ll do it anyway. I want sex to be wild and irresponsible like the time Hubs and I had crazy drunken sex in Poughkeepsie, NY in a dingy Super 8 motel room 3 months into dating and I wasn’t on the pill yet and I WAS ovulating at the time. I want to unlearn everything that I know about infertility and start over. I want that sex drive back.

I don’t want a little pink heart on my fucking chart.

Depression is beginning to settle in. Depression and a healthy dose of anger.

Excuse me, ovaries, but FUCK YOU.

My depression stems from a feeling of helplessness. A feeling that no matter what lame blood tests they run, or what Google says, or what anyone else says, there is no one able to pinpoint exactly where my problem starts. It’s like one of those hall of mirrors where the problem goes on for infinity.  Ovarian cysts cause elevated androgen levels which then prevent further ovulation, which then creates cysts, which then create elevated androgen levels. It’s a never ending cycle. But what started the cysts to being with????? Was it something I ate? Drank? Bathroom cleanser fumes I accidentally inhaled when I was scrubbing the tub one day??  There’s the thyroid possibilities. The low estrogen caused by the pill. My pituitary glad. My hypothalamus. None of this shit is able to be monitored! It’s just “Here, take a pill, and hope it does *something* that will do another *something* and then another *something* until you ovulate.” I wish to GOD that I could just follow my trillions of cells one second at a time and see what they are trying to do, and where they are going wrong.

I have to come to grips with the fact that there is not a way to fix this. To fix me. On a systemic level. To make my body do what millions of other women’s bodies do on a daily basis, regardless if they eat pizza, sugar, McDonalds, slam tequila shots, or never exercise.

Shit thoughts like these make me want to abandon my healthy diet and eat a huge slice of pizza plus mac and cheese. The orange kind.  It makes me want to drink a bottle of wine, pig out, and go to sleep.

It’s damn depressing. So very, very depressing.


About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

21 responses »

  1. I saw an ad for a mac and cheese pizza. It’s a one-two punch. Kill two birds with one stone.

    All jokes set aside, I hear you. We all wanted to be pregnant yesterday. To wait out an interminable cycle that may or may not produce an egg is torturous. PCOS sucks ass.

  2. PCOS is a bitch because like you’ve said you just don’t know what you’re trying to fix, you don’t know WHY you’re not ovulating just that you’re not ovulating. It’s frustrating and depressing. But I learned something recently, or I suppose what I learned awhile ago really hit home recently: 2 other couples in our group of friends are also struggling with infertility and unlike me who had a very distinct problem, I don’t ovulate, that I could fix, they were just “unexplained infertility” and now after some failed IVF’s have both found out they have bad eggs and will more than likely never conceive with their own eggs. PCOS is a bitch but it IS fixable and the majority of women who’s infertility problem is PCOS DO conceive. I’m not a Clomid pusher usually, in fact the majority of people who take it I believe shouldn’t take it, but I honestly believe at this point after you’ve tried everything else that you gotta let modern medicine lend you a helping hand and just pop an egg out for you. Your body will hopefully do the rest!

  3. Sing it sister. This whole crappy situation blows so hard. Have a good stomp and a swear, and get mad.

  4. i agree. infertility = NOT sexy. my dh wanted sex last night but since my two huge grocery bags of ivf meds and more needles than i’ve had in my whole life had just arrived from the special pharmacy for the reproductively dysfunctional, i wasnt exactly in the mood.

  5. PCOS is awful. 😦 It’s such a tease!!! You have no idea when/if you will ovulate, you don’t know if you should bother keeping track, and keeping track is exhausting when it could be months before ovulation.

    Before I was trying to get pregnant I knew I had PCOS. Without assistance I don’t get a period at all, or maybe twice a year if I’m lucky. I told someone about this and she said she was the same way and has been able to have 2 kids, but she needed medication to make her ovulate. I’ve heard other similar stories from mothers with PCOS. I think with PCOS if you are lucky enough to respond to the medications (Clomid or Femara or whatever else) and have no other medical complications then it often doesn’t take too long once you start meeting with an RE.

    • I know. You’re totally right. I have come to the realization that an RE and meds are in my near future. I know all is not lost–it hasn’t really even begun yet! I just wish I wasn’t such a damn perfectionist and could just accept that my body isn’t perfect. I’ve always “known” it wasn’t, but didn’t really believe it wasn’t until now…if that makes any sense 🙂

      • Yeah, you definitely have to come to terms to it on your own. After my first visit to the RE I sobbed for a long time, feeling like I was “broken,” and why would my husband want to be with a woman with a broken body that couldn’t get pregnant. 😦 Honestly, my experience with the medication wasn’t so bad. I was on Femara, had minimal side effects, and got pregnant on my 3rd cycle with my good RE (I don’t count the cycle with the bad RE, he had me trigger wayyy too early).

  6. I’m with you on the sex for sure. I think I’ve forgotten what unplanned sex feels like.
    You’re not supposed to think of sex as something you have to do.

  7. Oh, mac & cheese and wine. Can I come over and gorge on terrible foods? We have two hard ciders in the fridge right now, and every day they call my name saying, “who are you kidding? you’re not pregnant! drink me!”

    This road is long and hard, but it sounds like you’re ready for the next step. I’m going to second the other commenters and suggest that it may be time to talk to the doctor.

    Also, have you given any thought to figuring out which of the eliminated foods were trouble? How does one do that?

  8. God do I hear you on this one. As someone who also has thyroid problems, pcos, and am on a crazy diet…I really do wonder: if I go have a bagel, am I out this cycle? Do I really have to be perfect? I hate it, and it’s not fair.

  9. You are firmly in the grieving phase with PCOS. I went through it to – saying goodbye to the way your body SHOULD work. This is a stubborn, heartbreaking, frustrating disease and I am so sorry you have to deal with it. Love you!

  10. *sarcasm font* What? TTC sex isn’t all champagne and roses? How can you not be turned on by charting without any sign of ovulation? *end sarcasm font*

    Seriously though, all those hormones have to be in such a delicate balance. You are fighting through and maybe you need some more help on your side. I hope things get better sooner rather than later.

  11. I awarded you the One Lovely Blog award, because my dear, you have a lovely blog.

    I hope you’re having a good day today!

  12. I am sorry I am just starting to read your blog. You are awesome. I think it’s the free flowing f-bombs, but seriously … I love how honest you are. Thank you! You made me laugh. You made me think … hey, there are more people like me. Hang in there. I have no idea where the end is, but I do know we’ll all be ok.


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