CD 20 and no where close to ovulating. How do I know? Oh, I just *know*. I know what my body feels like when it’s on track to ovulate, and I’m not experiencing any of the signs. Some unknown chemical/hormonal/whatever-the-fuck reaction is going on in my body has shut down my cycle. Again.
Fertility “Friend” is now known as Fertility Enemy. I’m not “friends” with a website that fucks with me this badly. I dread going on to log in my BBT numbers. I hate that every time I have sex with my husband, Fertility Enemy tells me the next morning that I am still no where close to ovulating, and then has the audacity to put a little pink heart on my chart to represent our attempts at baby making. I hate that I view sex as futile during these times. I want it to be FUN and raunchy, and “maybe we shouldn’t” right now because I could get pregnant but to hell with it, we’re so hot for each other that we’ll do it anyway. I want sex to be wild and irresponsible like the time Hubs and I had crazy drunken sex in Poughkeepsie, NY in a dingy Super 8 motel room 3 months into dating and I wasn’t on the pill yet and I WAS ovulating at the time. I want to unlearn everything that I know about infertility and start over. I want that sex drive back.
I don’t want a little pink heart on my fucking chart.
Depression is beginning to settle in. Depression and a healthy dose of anger.
Excuse me, ovaries, but FUCK YOU.
My depression stems from a feeling of helplessness. A feeling that no matter what lame blood tests they run, or what Google says, or what anyone else says, there is no one able to pinpoint exactly where my problem starts. It’s like one of those hall of mirrors where the problem goes on for infinity. Ovarian cysts cause elevated androgen levels which then prevent further ovulation, which then creates cysts, which then create elevated androgen levels. It’s a never ending cycle. But what started the cysts to being with????? Was it something I ate? Drank? Bathroom cleanser fumes I accidentally inhaled when I was scrubbing the tub one day?? There’s the thyroid possibilities. The low estrogen caused by the pill. My pituitary glad. My hypothalamus. None of this shit is able to be monitored! It’s just “Here, take a pill, and hope it does *something* that will do another *something* and then another *something* until you ovulate.” I wish to GOD that I could just follow my trillions of cells one second at a time and see what they are trying to do, and where they are going wrong.
I have to come to grips with the fact that there is not a way to fix this. To fix me. On a systemic level. To make my body do what millions of other women’s bodies do on a daily basis, regardless if they eat pizza, sugar, McDonalds, slam tequila shots, or never exercise.
Shit thoughts like these make me want to abandon my healthy diet and eat a huge slice of pizza plus mac and cheese. The orange kind. It makes me want to drink a bottle of wine, pig out, and go to sleep.
It’s damn depressing. So very, very depressing.