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Big Picture Land

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For someone with the name “Sunny”, I have been a bit glum lately. I took some time off blogging this weekend to try and sort out my feelings and chillax a bit on the whole infertility mess.

IF is one of those strange, strange diseases where each day is an exercise in minutia: body temps, fluids, ovulation symptoms…they’re all monitored every day meticulously, whether I want to or not. My brain simply cannot shut off the “not knowing” part of this business. When, if ever, will I ovulate again? Will I ever have a child? Are my eggs ok? I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but being anovulatory for so long has done a number on me, folks. A big fucking number.  Every once in a while (aka–my last blog entry), I end up in Big Picture Land–the Land where I suddenly realize that I have spent the last seven months with my finger up my cooch fishing around for my cervix, and I have moved barely a step closer to my end goal.   When entering Big Picture Land, it’s as if all of those long days leading up to Big Picture Land never existed. I see calendar pages all fast forward before my eyes, and suddenly, there I am in the bathroom with my finger up my vagina, and no pregnancy to show for it.

I know it will get better when I get on fertility meds. It has to. At this point, I don’t care what the side effects are from Clomid or other drugs: I just want to feel….something.

I know there are so many women reading this blog who have been through more harrowing experiences than I have on their own personal journey. Me bitching about not ovulating for 7 months is nothing compared to what others have gone through in their own entry into Big Picture Land. It’s hard to stop myself from comparing my infertility battle scars with others’ scars. We’re all different. We’re all looking for that take-home baby pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. How we get there will never heal our wounds completely.

The truth is, we are all fighters in our own Lands…

Wherever you may be in your journey, whatever Land you’re in…I salute every single last woman who has her own IF battle scars to show.

A tidbit about me:

My name isn’t really Sunny (surprise!). I named myself Sunny on the blog because it is my grandmother’s name, and whenever I think of my grandmother, I think of a strong, vibrant woman who is full of life, warmth, compassion, and who is also not one to let life fuck with her, or bring her down. She has been my rock in my life. My mother is not a very physically affectionate person, but Sunny always gathers me up in a hug, holds me close and gives me tons of kisses all over my face. I cannot imagine life without Sunny in my world…

When I get down, I think about her and it picks me up a bit inside. She is in her late 70s now, and there is nothing more I would love than to see her holding her great grandchild in her arms. In my Big Picture Land, I’m hoping there’s a road somewhere that leads to that day.

About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

8 responses »

  1. Sunny sounds amazing! Thanks for sharing.

  2. A BIIIIG part of me is glad I knew nothing about temping and cervical mucus monitoring back when I went through my 2 recent long anovulatory stretches (7 months, then 6 months – the period I got in between those stretches was medically induced, otherwise for sure it would have been one 13 month stretch) because it would have driven me absolutely crazy. Maybe you could take a break from the temping and cervix position monitoring and symptom monitoring and just watch your mucus, which you can see easily without having to poke and wake up early and whatever. Just a break. Not giving up, just giving yourself an opportunity not to measure and quantify and record all these little things about your body that used to be a mystery.

  3. Things will get better. Not ovulating for 7 months is hard! It doesn’t matter if some haven’t ovulated for longer, this is your journey. This is your story to tell.

    I hope that whatever fertility meds you end up on are just the thing you need. I hope you don’t have too much longer to wait. I’ll be thinking of you!

  4. Anovulation is super tough. I am lucky I never had that extra issue to deal with because it would drive me crazy to be unsure if I even had a SHOT each month. Be kind to yourself, we all have pain over this.
    I am glad you are pushing forward. I think taking the next steps will really improve your outlook. Doing anything different after months of nothing, is a positive thing. Yes, fertility meds suck too, but it’s a proactive step. I think you will find empowerment in the planning of this new path.

  5. I’m with you on the annovulation being a big fat life suck. I just ovulated recently after 6 – 7 months of nothing and I can’t believe how accomplished I feel. It’s like….my body did what normal women did 7 times in that amount of time, but I was beginning to think it was just never going to happen. It’s hard to be in that zone where you feel just kind of STUCK and aren’t really making any movement forward. I agree, you’ll feel better when you try some meds. At least then you’ll feel like you’re doing SOMETHING.

  6. I love Big Picture Land =) I hope you respond to Clomid because even if you don’t get pregnant your first cycle it feels amazing just to ovulate, like OMG we actually COULD have gotten pregnant for the first time. And not getting pregnant the first Clomid cycle was not nearly as defeating as all those anovulatory cycles. Good luck to you!!!

  7. Sunny sounds pretty badass. Give her hugs from me!

  8. THIS is the road that will lead you there. 🙂 I completely understand your feelings about this. The most frustrating thing in the world to me is not knowing the WHY. I first encountered that when I was diagnosed with Endo years ago. And now. It’s so unbelievably hard and while I’m sad that so many wonderful women have to travel this journey too, I’m glad to have you all along for the ride. 🙂 Glad you have Sunny’s hugs and kisses to comfort you.


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