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I’m the little circle

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There has been a lot of chatter over the blogs lately about how many BFPs there have been in the last few weeks. I mean, CRAZY amounts of BFPs. You’d think we were a blog community of fertile teens who all came back from a wild prom weekend where we decided not to use condoms.

But seriously. The only way I could be more thrilled about all of this happy news is if I had a baby in my ute right along with all of you fine, brave women. It seems so fun to be able to share in the experience of pregnancy as a group.

I’ve realized in thinking about all of this that “jealousy” isn’t an adjective I’d use to describe how it feels to be an anovulatory dud in a room full of pregnant women. Jealousy is angry, nasty, mean. It is the bitch inside that says, “I can’t believe SHE has this (thing that I want). I DESERVE it more than she does.” I have none of these feelings. I am ecstatic for all of you. As someone who has been fascinated enough by pregnancy that I am actually going back to school to become an NP in Women’s Health, I totally enjoy reading every single one of your pregnancy symptoms, even if I can’t relate (yet…please God, let there be a time when I can relate).

No, what I’m experiencing is not jealousy. I believe it’s a fear of being left behind. Of being forgotten. Of losing a bunch of women who were part of my “group”, and seeing them all move on together to form a new clique that I can’t be a part of until I have a baby all up in there. It all probably harkens back to Jr. High School when I was ditched by my only two friends, and had to spend a few months eating alone in the drama room until I made a new group of friends.

It feels like Grover is trying to point me out as the little circle:

I know that pregnancy doesn’t necessarily mean that you forget about “the ones you left behind”, but it certainly creates a demarcation line. That being said, with infertility, even pregnancy does not create a relaxed feeling that we’re “out of the trenches.” I see with each new BFP I read about how tentatively and gingerly everyone puts their toes into the “waters” of pregnancy.

Just don’t forget about little ole anovulatory me, eating lunch in the drama room and writing bad poetry. I’ll still be here until I get knocked up on my prom night.

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

21 responses »

  1. Sunny – I hear you loud and clear because I’ve been there so many times! It’s great to be part of a community, but when parts of that community shift, it’s really hard. I’m actually planning to write a post about survivor’s guilt…

    Just know that I fully support you and am rooting for you – and luckily this is not Junior High. Thank God!

    Reply
  2. Your post made me a little teary… It really struck a chord with me, because I can relate, and because I’m part of this plethora of BFPs, and because I don’t feel very different – more fertile – that I felt last week, and because I appreciate your support very much, and because I want you in my circle.

    I am hoping that your time comes very, very soon.

    Reply
    • Aw, girl. I’m so so happy for you. Truly. I’ve been reading the ups and downs you’re going through, too. None of it’s easy, but thank you so much for all of your bloggie support!

      Reply
  3. 😦

    I remember feeling that way when I saw other waves of BFPs before I got pregnant. I think it’s very normal and totally okay. For me it meant I distanced myself from the pregnant lady blogs for a week out of the month (around the end of the TWW for me, when I was getting negatives, or just when I felt really sad about not being where they were). It’s okay.

    The thing is we have all been there, we have all watched people get pregnant without us. I think a lot of the pregnant ladies wouldn’t want to leave anyone behind because we remember what it was like, waiting.

    Reply
    • Thanks Robin!! Your strength through the not so good times has been empowering, and now, reading about your preggie times with Apple and Banana is so fun. I will continue to follow all of your symptoms and cute pics πŸ™‚

      Reply
  4. I won’t forget you, little circle! And where the hell is this bad poetry? I’m thinking you should publish some.

    Reply
  5. You are a fantastic addition to any circle. While you were in the drama room writing poetry, I was in the library reading the science fiction. How could we forget this?

    Reply
  6. If we went to middle AND high school together, I would not have let you sit alone in the drama room. I looooooove you. πŸ™‚ I am sorry if my BFP caused you any pain. Just know I have been there sooooo many times and I know it sucks. I would never leave you in your circle. I am your #1 cheerleader! xoxoxoo

    Reply
    • Your BFP caused me all sorts of JOY, dearie! I could not be happier for you. More just frustrated with my own process. I’m so glad that you will continue to be my cheerleader πŸ™‚ Looking forward to the day we can both push strollers by the Esplanade! xo

      Reply
  7. We’ve all been there and know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I was totally one of those people that would immediately UNFOLLOW anyone who announced their BFP…self preservation! Find some others that are still early in the journey like you or start welcoming in some new ladies into the fold. We’ll all keep following along waiting for that BFP that is bound to head your way sooner or later!

    Reply
    • Thanks, Jes πŸ™‚ When I wind up on the meds and in the middle of a 2WW, I will probably go into a little bit of a self preservation bubble–I’ve never had a “real” 2WW before, so that will be interesting!

      Reply
  8. Awesome post. I probably should have thought through my words a little better…I suppose it is not jealousy like you pointed out. I’m every bit as happy for everyone who gets pregnant. But I agree with you that not wanting to be left behind is a much better way to describe this crappy position we are in.

    Reply
    • Your words were perfect! It’s not always easy to label emotions because they are very complex. My jealousy and anger usually come up when I somehow find myself on your typical fertile message boards around women who have not a clue what we all go through, or I get some crappy “just relax” advice from someone with 5 kids. I feel bad that I react in that way, since it’s not their “fault” they are completely ignorant about IF, but it’s hard to contain those negative thoughts.

      Reply
  9. Wonderfully written post. Know that I am following your every step and feel your triumphs and tribulations keenly. Also know that you are not left behind, just in a different step of the journey. I’m hoping that you will be in the next step soon!

    Reply
  10. Yes! The left-behind feeling is so hard. I’m feeling it intensely now, too, and really liked how you expressed it.

    Reply
  11. I have a whole post last year about feeling left behind by my fertile friends and family. I have felt it with my IF buddies also, but for whatever reason, I am just so happy for them I can’t feel the same jealousy. You will most certainly get there and we wont’ leave you behind. Even when I thought I was finally in the group last year, I was shoved out again with our loss, so it’s going to be hard considering myself part of the BFP preggos. Most of us know exactly how you feel and that’s why this community is so healing.

    Reply

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