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Warning: this post has a lot of bad marriage juju in it. I’m an emotional wreck right now.

The fact that this is all happening now, a couple of days after my anniversary, is both awful and frankly, unsurprising.

I’ll start at the beginning. In the beginning, Hubs and I began dating. We had been friends for 7 years prior to dating, so things moved pretty fast. Hubs had been successful in his career and had a large sum of money saved with which he had been looking to buy a house (this was prior to us dating). A couple of months into dating, we knew things were serious, and he invited me in on the house hunting process. This process was exciting for me, as I had never imagined being able to buy a home–I had been living on my own renting for almost 8 years. About eight months into dating, and after we had gotten engaged, we found the house of our dreams. The. Perfect. House.

It wasn’t until around that time that I realized something was amiss. Hubs had all of his paperwork in order to buy the house–all of his bank info, credit checks, loan approval, etc, but nothing had been asked of me. I certainly didn’t have as much money as Hubs, but my credit score is near perfect. I have had a stable job for almost 10 years. I have no debt. I had some savings I could have plunked down. Not much, but enough to feel like I could contribute. I didn’t speak up then, and I should have. Instead, we made an offer on the house (and by “we” I mean Hubs), it was accepted, and a couple of days before “we” were due to go in and sign the paperwork, I spoke to Hubs about coming with him to sign for “our” house. He told me that he wanted to sign for it on his own.

To say that this cut me like a knife would be an understatement. It was more like a knife cut, gut punch, and bitch slap all at once. I asked him why he didn’t want me to sign for the house with him when we were engaged and planning our wedding together. He told me that he wanted to be able to “feel like this was his contribution to our marriage.” I told him that moving into a house that I helped pick out, that was going to be the house that we raised our children in, without my name being on the deed with him felt wrong. It didn’t feel like a partnership to me, it felt like I was a squatter in my own home. There was an ugly argument about how I was “really” doing this for the money–so I’d be protected in the event of a divorce. He told me he wasn’t asking for a prenup and that I should be grateful that he was able to buy this place for us. While it did bother me that without my name on the house building equity with him, it could effect me down the line (be it divorce, death, etc.) this was certainly not my primary concern. In fact, the fact that he was refusing to put my name alongside with him on the house and have me, his future wife, sign the paperwork with him, became more of a concerning issue than having a piece of property to haggle over in the event of a divorce.  I frankly was doing just fine financially on my own. This house and/or half of his bank account was not entering my mind. The fight was awful. There was no way to resolve it, and he wouldn’t budge. I loved him, and didn’t want to end our relationship over this, so he went ahead and bought the house on his own. He told me “don’t worry”–that he would look into adding me on to the deed “after the wedding”.

We moved into this house, got married, and I tried hard to forget about what had happened. All of my friends were congratulating me, asking me “how does it feel to be a home owner?” I had to smile and pretend I was, and that I had a warm, inclusive husband who wanted me to own this home with him. I felt like such a fake. That feeling has never gone away. Early on in our days at the house, I called the DWP to straighten out an issue with a bill, and they told me that I couldn’t authorize a change because I wasn’t “the home owner”. I also couldn’t deal with installing our alarm system in the house because “I wasn’t the home owner”. Our mortgage bills started coming addressed to only Hubs. A few weeks after we were married, he  proudly showed me another mortgage bill and said, “Look, we’ve already paid down $5,000 against our loan.” The remark was like a slap in the face. It wasn’t my loan. It wasn’t my bill. It wasn’t my house. I brought up adding me on to the house again, and rather than agree and look into it, he told me (once again) that the only reason I’d want my name to be added to our house was because I was after the money, or wanting to ensure I got the house in the event of a divorce. I tried explaining to him that in no way was I ever planning on us getting a divorce. I was simply looking for that symbolic gesture: Putting my name on the house alongside his. Fully including me in the home that I helped choose. That I am helping to pay for. Again, he refused to look into it. I tried, again, to bury the feelings of hurt.

Cut to: a few days ago. With the new loan rates being lower than ever, we decided we’d try to refinance. Only thing is–surprise!– I’m not on our current loan. Other thing is: I’m the only one employed right now, so us getting approval for another loan is heavily dependent on, you guessed it, me. Hubs was eagerly investigating how to get the paperwork together so we could start the process of getting me on the loan. Funny how quickly he’s able to get his shit together on that one, yet finding a few legal documents on Legal Zoom to add me to the deed of the house is some sort of monumental task.  At one point, after discussing how I could be added to the loan, he told me, “And don’t worry–I’ll look into getting you on the deed, too.” Well, at dinner last night, at a restaurant, I might add, the conversation of our refinancing came up, and me getting my credit approved for it. I was fine with looking into that, and also mentioned, “We should also look at how to get me on the deed.” To which, as I anticipated, the conversation took an ugly turn. He told me, “Forget about it. We won’t refinance, then.” He then proceeded to tell me that he will never put me on the deed to our house, simply because all I do is ask him about it (which, for the record, is a total of three times in our entire relationship). He started ranting about how I am always trying to control things, and control him, and how much satisfaction it gives him that this is the one thing I can’t control. He told me that this will be a “good lesson” for our relationship to see how we can come through this without him giving in to my “demands”. I began crying in the restaurant, trying to eat my dinner, and also realizing that this home–our home– will never truly feel like my home. He has taken that away from me.

He keeps repeating, “We’re married. Of course this is your home. We own it together.” No, we don’t. The fact that he refuses to put my name on the deed has been the single biggest problem in our marriage. He doesn’t understand that the undercurrent of anger he feels from me sometimes stems from this issue. He doesn’t understand that this is a source of horrible stress for me.

I keep thinking about the fact that I have gone 8 or 9 months without ovulating, and I can’t help but think that this is my body’s way of telling me that something is deeply amiss. Here I am, popping pills that will force me to ovulate and potentially conceive with a man who doesn’t want to put my name on the deed to our house to “teach me a lesson about my controlling ways.” I am giving him my body for bearing children, and giving my fucking perfect credit score and a stable job that I hate so we can get another loan. He says the one way I don’t “give” is in loving him, regardless of whose name is on paperwork. It’s hard to feel loving to someone who is telling you that he doesn’t care about having the future mother of his children on the paperwork to our house.

We’re supposed to go to Catalina tomorrow for our anniversary, and I simply can’t see that happening now. The last thing I want to do is be romantic with him.

I am an absolute wreck right now…I’m sorry if this all sounds convoluted and strange. I just don’t know what to do about anything anymore. If I sound like an awful person for wanting my name on a deed, please reserve judgement…I’m in a really dark, fragile place right now.

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

19 responses »

  1. I don’t think you sound terrible at all. I don’t really understand where your husband is coming from I am afraid. My personal belief is that in marriage anything like that is done as a pair, as a team, as a unit. The fact that you keep coming up against things you cant sign for your own home should be reason enough, but if something were to happen to him, it would be so much more complicated for you to sort out. I am so sorry you are going through this, especially with the other horrible trials you are facing and the fragile place you are at the moment. I hope you can get it sorted out, but I want you to know I absolutely think you are right to feel the way you do. I would feel exactly the same.

    Reply
  2. Wow, I’m not sure what to say. This is weird. I don’t know your husband or your relationship but this is weird…in all honesty it’s one of those “warning” signs of abusive husbands (not saying he’s abusive!) sort of ensnaring you into being dependent on him so you can’t leave. My name isn’t on the deed to our house either but that’s because my husband bought it about 5 years before we met and now we’ve been too lazy to take care of the paperwork…and we also own another house together. I don’t honestly have advice for you other than to follow your gut, something isn’t right about it I agree, but I can’t tell you what your next step needs to be.
    Good luck honey.

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  3. Sunny, this is terrible. In my opinion you have every right to be angry and hurt. The words he said to you over dinner in public were horrible. I wish you could have recorded that convo so you could play it back to him and he hear how terrible he was. I was also a successful, independent woman before getting married. Today I live in a house that was purchased by Mr. Husband’s parents with money from Mr. Husband’s trust and has Mr. Husband’s name only on it and it eats. me. alive. Our situation is different than yours, but the feelings of anxiety and resentment are very much the same. If I were in your shoes, I would not go on that trip. I would actually leave town for a week on my own, if possible, so you both have some space to think. I also feel this topic might not be resolved without the help of a third party. I don’t think I have helped you at all with this comment other than letting you know you are not alone and have the right to be angry. If you want to speak privately about what you are going through you can email me at Belle.Hineman@yahoo.com. I genuinely understand where you are coming from. xoxo

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  4. You do not sound like an awful person at all. I get it. I get where you’re coming from. It isn’t about money at all. It’s about him showing you that this is a full partnership and that he anticipates spending the rest of his life with you. Instead, it looks as if he’s obsessively trying to protect himself in case of a divorce. And what he said to you is awful. It’s crazy.

    That being said, my husband isn’t on the title of my house (yet). I bought the house with my mother six years before my husband and I married. If I was the sole owner, I would have put him on the title immediately. However, it’s a bit more complicated because my mother is co-owner. However, if my husband asked to be on the title, I would certainly see if my mother was ok with adding him. He’s more important to me than money or possessions.

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I agree with Belle that you might need to look into outside help to resolve this situation. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself right now.

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  5. Wow. Wth is going on with him?!? It didn’t make any sense for him to exclude you this way. And to keep you from going to the signing?!? Seriously none of it makes sense. He should want you to share in ownership and especially right now when you can help with refinancing! Something definitely is amiss and now that you’re brave enough to acknowledge it, you should probably take some time to think about some things. It seems that your husband is terrified that you’ll leave him and he needs to figure out a way to deal with those insecurities. I’m so sorry you’re going through this tough time right now and I hope your relationship can come out on top of all of this. If not, I know you will because you’re such a strong lady.

    Reply
  6. Wow, I don’t konw what to say. I’m trying not to judge him but I have to agree with everyone else that something strange is going on. It’s not fair of him to try to control you or teach you a lesson, especially in this way – quite frankly, in no way. I bought my house a few years before I started dating my hubby (who, by the way, was my friend for years before and we got engaged about 3 months after we started dating). I’ve owned that house for 8 1/2 years and we’ve been married almost 6 years. We just refinanced – and adding him to the deed was the EASIEST.THING.EVER. It was shockingly easy, actually. In fact, we didn’t even ask about it but our refi lady assumed we’d want it so she drew up the paperwork and just had us sign it.

    I’m so sorry about this, but perhaps you want to consider some marriage counseling? Would he do that with you? I am so sorry.

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  7. @ Everyone…Thank you. Thank you for making me feel like I have a shred of sanity in this otherwise insane moment of my life. I have never spoken aloud about these issues to anyone, and instead, kept beating myself up, telling myself that I was crazy for feeling this way. I appreciate your honest reactions. I know I’m not crazy. This is plain wrong. The way he’s treating me is wrong. I’m not sure exactly what we’ll do…professional help will most likely be needed. Anniversary trip is on hold. My job is on hold (I called in sick today, and I have a vacation day tomorrow for my “supposed” romantic trip away.) I can’t let this go. If the house had been owned by him for years, that would be one thing. But we looked for it together. Even aside from that, I would never EVER hold a deed of a house over his head to teach him a lesson on his own control issues, or whateverthefuck. If he asked me to add him to the deed and make him a full partner in the house, even if I’d owned it for ten years, I would not blink an eye, except to hug him, love him, and say, “of course”. I think most, if not all of us, would do the same.

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  8. I am so sorry. This must be so stressful, on top of everything else. I would be an emotional train wreck too.

    I think you feel that his refusal to add you to the deed cuts to the heart of your marriage, trust, and planning a future together. I think you’re right. It’s hard to know why your husband sees things so differently.

    Taking about money and ownership is hard. It’s especially hard when people are coming to the relationship with unequal contributions. (BG and I have gone back and forth over the years. There have been actually very few times when we both were employed. It always took a lot of negotiating to decide how our joint financial decisions would work.) I don’t usually suggest couples counceling, because often I think that individual counceling is more helpful, but it might be something to consider. Having someone who is not invested in your relationship explain to your husband how hurtful he is being may help him see things from your point of view.

    Oh, and if it’s too much to go on your trip right now, skip it. Or, if you think it might help and give you a chance to talk, then go. Whatever you do, don’t feel bad about it.

    I hope tomorrow is a little bit brighter.

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  9. Oh, Sunny. I’m so very sorry that this issue has come to such an awful head. What a load of heavy shit. Money is such a hard, hard topic. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that you can come to a peaceful resolution. K.

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  10. Sweetie – This sounds like a major issue that you need to get some counseling around. It sounds like he has a MAJOR trust issue that is festering and these are exactly the kinds of things that can destroy a marriage. Honestly, I would put all else on hold until you work through it, but that’s just me. Is he open to seeing a marriage therapist? I have done some of this work with my DH about other issues and it saved us. Seriously. Call me if you want to talk about it offline. xoxoxox Love you.

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  11. I agree with all the previous commenters… this is a major issue, and you are not crazy for feeling this way. This is also something that won’t go away, and will get worse (emotionally) over time, as you must be realizing by now. I think it probably is a good idea to get a third party involved, just to help facilitate this conversation that it sounds like you’ve tried to have and he has not been able to hear over the sounds of his own insecurities.

    Also, and this is probably WAY too nosy of me so ignore it if it offends/bothers you. I don’t know the reality of your situation, everything I know is from this post. But if I were in this situation, where things felt so uncertain and I was making big decisions about next steps, I might put a hold on the active TTC efforts. I really really have reservations about saying that, and most of the time when people talk about issues they are having with their husbands I don’t feel that way or feel a need to say anything like this because it’s not my business. But I personally feel like this is a major, major issue, it’s not about the house it is about trust and control, and his need to *control* you and your participation in the relationship (this time through denying to access to his investments). Like I said I don’t know anything about the reality of the situation, just from this post which was obviously written when you were very upset. But if this is an issue that comes up in other aspects of your relationship, smaller ones but still present in other areas of your married life, if I were in that situation I may delay TTC while I see if this is something that can be sorted out.

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    • Robin, I don’t take offense at all to your comment about delaying TTC. This is not an issue that will get better with time, and certainly won’t get better with a crying baby in the home that I have been kept off the paperwork for.

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  12. i concur with everything said. This sucks and the way he keeps bringing it back to the money thing shows a lot of insecurity on his part, especially since you’re the one with the job and the credit score at this point. I hope you get it all worked out! Hugs!

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  13. Oh man, I am getting angry just reading about this! If it were me, I wouldn’t compromise with your credit. You just never really know what will happen and you shouldn’t put your credit on the line for a house you don’t own. My friend did that once and it took her YEARS and YEARS to recover when the owner (her fiance whom she lived with) stopped making payments. If you are taking a risk like that then you should have a payoff such as your name on the deed to the house. Sorry for being so straightforward, but like I said, this really has me heated!

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  14. I agree with all the other comments as well and I am so sorry you are going through this. I think counseling, if you both are willing, would be the best step. Thinking of you.

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  15. Geez. In my opinion, that is crap. Maybe he had some huge issue in his life that is causing him to feel like he can’t trust, but if that is the case then he needs some counseling to deal with it. Do you think he’d be willing to go?

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  16. Sunny, you have every right to feel the way you do. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I agree with those who have suggested counseling. It is in no way a sign of weakness- we teach kids to ask for help. I have heard counselors say that by the time most couples come in, the problems are too hard to fix, so it is a good idea to go as soon as conflicts arise. I hope you find some solutions and that things work out. I do believe firmly in the mind-body connection, so it might benefit you to get the house stuff figured out before starting fertility treatments so that your body can be more at ease. Good luck. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

    Reply
  17. I’m going to sign my name to refinancing documents that will financially bind me to a house I don’t even own??? Uh, no.

    This is really hard, I think all the other commenters have about covered it. Your “something is off” intuition sounds spot on to me, I wish you the best of luck!

    Reply
  18. Wow. That really sucks. If I were in that situation I would have to think long and hard about what to do, especially with the refinance depending on you. Does that make you a co-signer? I’m confused as to how you can be the one responsible for the mortgage and not the one with their name on the deed. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I hope things get better soon. *Hugs*

    Reply

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