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I couldn’t think of a better way to title this post. My life seems to have gone from zero to shit in a matter of a few weeks…but I think the lesson of it all is that one incident cannot collapse everything. A collapse happens when a foundation isn’t strong.

I have still been following all of you on your journeys, but I must admit that now even reading about happy marriages can sometimes bring me to tears.

I want to be better about blogging…even if it’s just to get my feelings out, and keep writing. However, I will not be blogging about TTC. Hubs and I have agreed that we are not trying anymore until we see a counselor and attempt to sort out what is going on with us–and whether or not it can all be sorted. Yes, we’re so enlightened, yes, we’re cautious, no we don’t want to bring a baby into our lives with our marriage the way it is, yes, we’re so wise and conscientious, and all of this and that CRAP and  BULLSHIT. We’re so fucking great we are electing not to procreate. We are responsible fucking people. We are both fucking sad. Sad, sad, sad childless sacks.

My heart is too full. It’s too jolted. I have been drinking, neglecting my diet, and basically throwing the finger to the sky, wallowing in self pity, fear, rage. I’m sorry this entry sounds so bleak, but it’s the truth.

I thought IF was tough. It is…but it turns out that a house of cards that is falling around you is tougher.

I am angry, and I am sad. How’s that for some kindergarten adjectives?



About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

9 responses »

  1. Oh Sunny, I’m sending you so much love and light right now, and an email. Check your box in an hour. xoxo

  2. I’m so sorry. I am so very, very sorry. Sometimes the Kindergarten words say it best.

  3. Just remember that you are not alone. Not through IF and not through marriage troubles. My husband and I went through a REALLY rough patch a little over a year ago and I was sure it would end in the “D” word. Yet, we made it through and stronger then ever I might add. I don’t say that to make you feel bad, but to let you know that there is a light at the end of the endless tunnel you seem to be stuck in.

  4. HUGS. 😦 Angry and sad aren’t kindergarten adjectives, they are enormous words describing huge, abstract, powerful feelings.

  5. I am so, so sorry you are hurting. I know you are sad, but you are also incredibly strong. Stronger than you know. I am here for you whenever you need me.

  6. Oh, Sunny, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry. You are strong and brave, and you will come through this.

  7. It is crap. Total crap. I know this is something you have to do with your husband, but I still wish there was something I could do to help. I know the world seems to be falling down, but someday, hopefully soon, you will see the clouds clear a little. You two can figure this out. I’m thinking of you.

  8. I’m so sorry that things are looking bleak right now. I hope that the steps that you two are taking will help. You will get through this, one way or another. Sending hugs.

  9. I’m so sorry and I wish you weren’t going through this. I hope you continue blogging–I truly think it’s therapeutic.


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