With TTC off my plate, what’s an infertile blogger to blog about?
I know my cervical mucus reports were riveting, so I have a lot to live up to if I decide not to blog about them any further. Truth be told, for the last year or so, almost everything I have done has been with a mind towards fertility. What’s good for a baby, what’s bad, supplements, meds, PCOS research…Strip that all away, and what am I left with? Little ole me. The good, the bad, the ugly.
The woman inside of these fingers typing away isn’t ovulating, but she is still living, breathing, thinking, feeling, eating and shitting (quite well, with no current hemorrhoids, I might add). In all of my attempts to “fix” my body, I kept waking up each day saying, “maybe today is the day…” and being disappointed when it wasn’t the day my ovaries decided they would kick into gear. For almost a full year (and most of my menstruating life, if I’m being honest), I have lived each day as if I would be better “if only” I could be a “normal” woman.
I cannot live my life like this anymore. This much, I know. The rest of it, I’m still a little bit iffy on. Worrying about that which I cannot control has become an identity that I wish to shed, but how?
The “girl with the plan” in me has these archetypes I keep going back to as I refocus my energy on something other than ovulating and bodily functions out of my control:
1. I could turn into one of these tweaked out perky chicks I’ve seen jogging on the side of the road on Sunday at 6AM–the kind of girl that I currently flick my eye crust at while I’m barely awake, driving to get a McMuffin for my hangover. I’d blog about how “pumped” I am on life, have a kick ass body, and eat “clean”.
2. I could turn into one of these yoga types, blissed out on coconut water, and the scent of my own pit sweat. I would include lots of inspirational quotes on my blog about butterflies, destiny, and inner voices.
3. I could get really chummy with my new besties “Jose”, “Jack”, and “Jaager” for a few years, marinate my ovaries in a cesspool of nicotine and Nyquil, and blog about how liberated I am now that kids aren’t tying me down.
The key for me is going to be in realizing that these archetypes are in themselves a way that I try to assert control over my life. By having this one all-encompassing persona I can live up to, it gives me a focus, and also a way to beat myself up when I inevitably fail at becoming the “perfect” runner, yoga, or drunk chick.
I’m a little bit “runner”, a little bit “yoga”, and a little bit “boozy” with a dash of “happy homemaker” , and “sick and twisted” for good measure. I’ll never be all of one or the other.
Perhaps this is a good place to start for now.
Cease And Decyst 
It does sound like a great place to start, and you are probably wonderful that way 😉 Blogging about non-infertility related stuff can be daunting in a TTC blog…I sometimes get the feeling that if I don’t write about ttc then what?? Will be very glad to read something different though!
Thats a great place to start! I’m the same way, except I’m not even a little bit of a runner 🙂
HAHA, I’m totally that first girl. Well minus the outfit and blond ponytail.I still run in cheap crap clothes (except shorts) and my curly hair is usually pretty frizzy at 6am.
Having hobbies has kept me sane through all of this. I think a runner, yoga booze type combo is perfect!
I also want to add that although I am running at 6am (on weekdays) I am NOT that perky, and I do NOT eat clean 🙂
Lol– I’m totally with you! I have the shittiest running “outfits” ever. Ratty t shirts and old stretchy pants. But I love the feeling I get after a long run. Another marathon is calling me!
I’m currently on a hiatus from ttc, too, and I’m wondering what (if anything) I can blog about anymore. I’ve been so obsessed with getting pregnant for so long that it feels as if the rest of my life has ceased to exist.
Oh well. At least I can drink my summer away.
Cheers, my friend. I will be drinking to you this weekend!
I guess just do the things you like! Identity is such a fluid thing. I have no idea who I am anymore. I like yoga but I’m not crunchy. I’m an artist that barely makes any art. I have a master’s degree but am unemployed. Who knows who anyone is?
Please don’t turn into #1. I would have to stop reading. That would be sad.
Don’t worry. There is no way in hell I could ever be that perky. Not even if I was ovulating AND had a kick ass running bod 🙂
The runner yoga boozy chick totally sounds like someone I would like to hang out with!!
I wish I was a little bit “runner”, a little bit “yoga”, and a little bit “boozy”, but I am so much more boring than that. I look forward to reading about your running-yoga-boozy-homemaker-twisted filled life. I think you may be surprised at how interesting you really are. But we won’t be 🙂
We spend a lot of time trying to live up to some strange expectation of who we’re supposed to be. I’m glad that with all of the hard stuff you’re going through, you’re at least realizing that you don’t have to live up to those unrealistic expectations. And yes, even drunkards have a set of expectations. 🙂
I agree with Mo. Just find what feels right for you. I think finding things that make you happy and exploring new things is always good. Maybe you aren’t an obsessive runner, yoga, drunk person, but there are a million other things to be. You could find something for you with a little exploration.
I know it’s hard to abandon ttc when it’s so important to you, but being in a healthy place is so important in this journey. You are so strong. Hang in there and find your zen.