I have been purposely not writing too much about my marriage right now…I need a chance to let things calm down a bit, and get my head screwed on straight. Hubs and I have a ton of shit to work on, but we’re taking the first step today and seeing a marriage counselor. The woman we’re seeing is covered by insurance, and seems like she has pretty good credentials (25 years in practice), so I’m hoping we can make some headway there over the next few months. Sorry to be so vague…I’m just needing to let things simmer and percolate here like a finely mulled wine, or a really gross banana that I accidentally left in my back pack for 3 weeks. Whichever.
With baby making on hold, I’ve been able to psychologically let loose on the restrictions I’ve been putting myself under lately, and goddamnit, it feels fucking great. Rather than beat myself up and curse myself for failing to maintain pristine health for my future as-yet non conceived child, I simply say, “Meh.” Turns out, this month, I love eating pasta (sometimes). I heart wine. I adore my morning coffee once again (with hazelnut flavored coconut milk this time around, which is supremely delicious). I am adhering pretty strictly to the no milk or cheese thing, but even that was fudged a bit a few days ago when I made some fan-fucking-tastic orzo with vegetables, sprinkled with parmesean cheese. I also find this new me is cursing a lot, and saying “whatevs” or “fuck it.” It’s pretty great. Through it all, I’m still managing the green drink, and lots more veggies than I usually eat, but gluten/egg/sugar/milk free muffins are not in the cards for me this month. Nope. Fuck it.
In other news, (stop the presses!) I’m starting to work out again. My arms and legs felt like they were beaten with a meat pounder this morning, but it feels good to get moving again. And by moving, I mean, doing an exercise routine that has me collapsed on the floor groaning like I’m in a birthing tub. I tend to go full on pain mode when I exercise. I made Hubs take a “before” pic of me, in case I’m able to make it through the entire Insanity DVD program I’m attempting to do over the next 8 weeks. Watch the video of the program on the website, and weep for me. I will not profess to say that I will be able to complete this program, but damnit, I’m going to try with every ounce of my jiggly body.
If anyone else is of the mind to take a “fuck it” hall pass this month on TTC, please do let us know what your “fuck it” plans might be!