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I hate myself for this post

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This is a mean old ugly Working Infertile Bitch (WIB) post, so if you’re in the “happy positive bright side of IF everything looks up” kind of mode, I wouldn’t recommend reading further. My “happy place” levels have been fluctuating drastically. I’m sure I’ll be content again one day, but not today. No sir, not today. I blame this post on the 12 chin/neck hairs I plucked over the weekend, and the facial hot waxing kit I ordered off Amazon which arrived in the mail today. Fun times! Nothing screams “feminine” like piping hot face wax. My PCOS symptoms are getting worse…I can feel something is totally off in my body, and it’s driving me insane to be unable to put my finger on it.

The post I’m about to write has me cringing in shame just a bit because it’s about my sister who may be one of the nicest human beings ever. She lives a quiet/”crunchy” life in Santa Cruz and volunteers with Downs Syndrome kids. She has suffered from dyslexia and seizures her entire life. She is medicated for depression. She was abusing opiates and pain killers in her teens, and was “homeschooled” by my certifiably insane stepmother who failed to teach her basic math, so at this point, my sister can’t even do long division. In those ways, I don’t envy my sister. She has had her fair share of hard knocks.

But there’s one thing she can do that I can’t.

Can you take a wild guess?

Play mah jong?

No…

Dance the watusi?

Good guess, but no. And for those of you interested in learning, click here. Or better yet, click here for a real 60s couple watusi-ing.Quite riveting.

My little sister, who was supported financially by my father until she got married at the age of 24, and who has never had to shlep her ass to a full time job in her life, is good at getting pregnant.

She and her hippie do-gooder husband have barely enough money to get by, but she was able to get pregnant the first time they “tried”. Her husband goes to work helping mentally retarded adults for little pay (he’s another incredibly lovely and selfless  human being) and she stays at home with  my 13 month old nephew making him organic baby food, going on play dates to the aquarium, and keeping the house nice for her husband.

Meanwhile, I’ve been pulling ridiculous hours at my job this week, driving 2 hours a day in work traffic, and dealing with a myriad of annoying office personalities that I have to grin and bear so that I can keep my paycheck. All while seriously contemplating shaving my face and trying to find a new marriage counselor.

Today she emailed a link to her new blog that details all of her home schooling methods she’s using on her son, complete with pics of their trips to a Santa Cruz nursing home where she totes along my nephew to give the old folks something to coo over in their last dying days.

It’s so fucking perfect I want to vomit.

My jealousy and anger that she can wake up to the sounds of her son vs am alarm clock, that her day is spent adjusting to her son’s needs, and not an alcoholic boss’s demands, that she doesn’t have to work from 8-6 in a window-less office, and instead can push a stroller outside and smell daisies with her son while she preps her fertile uterus for another child which I’m sure will be coming down the pipe soon makes me so green with envy that I hate myself for thinking these thoughts. I want to be happy for my sister…and I just can’t be. Not right now, at least. Right now, I’m a Working Infertile Bitch who looks at maternity leave not just as a happy occasion to spend bonding time with a newborn, but as an excuse for a PAID VACATION. And puh-lease don’t tell this WIB that having a newborn is hard work, harder than I’ll ever imagine, harder than any full time job in the world, because I seriously would KILL to wipe up baby shit and spit up right now for a myriad of reasons one being that I would avoid rush hour traffic. Plus, I don’t sleep through the night anyway. Bring on the colic.

I know there are many women who stay at home with or without kids…I know that some of you are staying at home, and planning to after your children are born, and I feel so bad that I have such a chip on my shoulder about it all right now. I hate myself for feeling jealous about this…I hate that I have barely spoken to my sister since she had my nephew…I’m pretty much the worst aunt in the world. I also know that logically, I would go absolutely ape shit bananas if I didn’t have my job and was left to my own devices at home…. But reading about how my fertile sister gets to meander where the day takes her, keeping a schedule only for her and her son, sleeping in when she wanted to while she was pregnant, meditating, journaling, contemplating the meaning of the tiny human she was making…I just want to look up and scream at the sky, “Look at me! Am I not doing enough???? Can you throw me a fucking bone, please? Is three meager months of MAT LEAVE too much to ask?”

I’ll let you all know how my facial hair wax goes this evening. I’ll be sure to watusi when I’m done.

GOD life is awesome right now.

Please excuse this WIB.

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

14 responses »

  1. Amen sister. I have friends who are SAHMs or only work part time and I often find myself filled with jealous over their situation. It is so unfair. I started working at the age of 13 (my brother and I started a lawn care business and I worked some afternoons at a consignment store) and I have not taken a break since. I have expressed to Mr. Husband my desire to one day stay at home with our child, since at the rate we are going we will only have ONE child (if any at all), and he says “Sure!” But then turns around and can’t find reliable permanent work. I’m afraid I’ll be stuck in the role of bread winner for life. It sucks. Let me know how the waxing goes. I have some mustache-bullshit popping up lately and it is NOT making me a happy camper.

    Reply
    • I feel like it’s the mustache that put me over the edge! 🙂 It’s like, if I’m going to have a mustache, can I AT LEAST get a kid and some time off work out of the deal??

      Reply
  2. I am so thankful for posts like these that help me realize I am NOT ALONE! I feel like a total biz-natch for those jealousy-filled rage moments when I actually want to physically throw myself on the ground and have a good old fashioned temper tantrum about how effing unjust it is. I feel the same way about SAHMs and I want to punch them in the face when they complain about how “hard” it is. Okay. I’m sure it’s “hard.” But I’ll tell you what else is hard. Battling infertility while working full time and growing mustaches. And you don’t get even one tiny bit of the payoff!

    Reply
  3. Lately I have miraculously been the happy, positive infertile. Most days. But I feel the same way you do!!! Since I work for the State, I have great time off benefits, but I work in a position that doesn’t allow for much time off. And if I do want time off, I better ask for it a year in advance. I also can’t take time around certain holiday weekends. And I work my butt off while i’m here. Since Hubster works for the same division, he’s subject to the same problems and doesn’t make enough for me to be a SAHM even part time. Vent away! I feel your frustrations!

    Reply
  4. Instead of sending you hugs, I wish I could send you those “stress relief” balls so you could throw them at things. (They are useless to squeeze, but have you ever tried pelting people – I mean objects – with them?)

    So there are 9 years between my younger two brothers – not intentionally – and my mom had 3 (3!) sisters who all are stay at home wifes/mothers/women. It is really hard to go to work every day AND take care of your home AND undergo awful medical interventions. People who respond with ‘taking care of a newborn is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do’ don’t understand. They just don’t. They aren’t sleeping – like you. They are cleaning up shit around the house – like you. They don’t have enough time in the day – like you. But they also have a child to brighten their days. It’s a different, wonderful, kind of hard for them.

    I hope that someday soon, you can be at home caring for a baby and appreciating all you have. Hang in there.

    Reply
  5. You know we have all been there!! We all think evil thoughts from time to time. I have a friend who got pregnant her first time “trying” even though she only gets her period every 60 days or so. Yet, me, with my every 28 day cycle is still not knocked up! Once, when she was being a huge bitch, I wished secondary infertility on her (in my head, of course) because maybe then she would know how I feel. Now, I don’t really want that for her at all, but it was a moment of true anger, jealousy, and weakness.

    So don’t feel bad! Those are your feelings and you are entitled to them. If feelings had the power to effect anything physical then I would be the old woman who lived in a shoe 🙂

    Reply
    • I’m going to have to give you my number so you can call me at night and tell me bed time stories about what it’s like to get your period every 28 days 🙂 Jealous! Hehe–but seriously, I totally understand the feeling of jealousy, wishing that a friend who just doesn’t get what you’re going through could have a taste of what sort of heartbreak infertility is like. It’s awful to feel this way, but I’m totally guilty of it as well. Mainly, I think it stems from needing to feel truly understood.

      Reply
  6. Oh, I hear you. It seems as if the injustices of life never really balance out. I’m sorry about the PCOS crap. I can totally commiserate. I read that they’ve created an artificial pancreas. I immediately wondered if I got an artificial pancreas the PCOS would go away. (I might blog about this…) I hate PCOS. It doesn’t bode well for a great mind/body connection.

    Reply
  7. Yup, been there too. We should all get a t-shirt.
    For real though, you are not alone. I have moments (hours, days) like that that I feel positively guilty about, and yet I still feel it.

    Reply
  8. Isn’t the PCOS facial hair wonderful? Ugh. I feel your pain.

    You’re not alone in your anger, either. Whenever someone tells me how awful and difficult parenting is, I get stabby. My husband has a son from a previous marriage. We don’t have him full time (because of distance, we only get him for the summer). The other day my husband made a comment about how he doesn’t miss the hassle of having to get his son ready for school every day. I told him that I wished I could do that every day. He tried to tell me that I’d be changing my mind very quickly if I had to do it. I wanted to say, “Um, fuck you. No I wouldn’t. I would thank god every single day if I was able to experience the ‘hassle’ of taking my much-longer-for child to school.”

    Go ahead and be angry and bitter. I’m right there with you.

    Reply
  9. Yeah…I feel you. It’s hard to hear about the woes of SAHM’s when I am working full time, mourning my lost twins, going through IVF and trying to figure out how I will even see my kid when/if it’s born since I have to go back to work (to pay off the IVF).
    It would be nice if those people could feel a little of what we go through so they understood that their lives are pretty awesome. PCOS is hell sometimes and Metformin is not a drug I would wish on anyone.

    Reply
  10. I am right there with you. Jealousy and anger are such nasty things to manage. I don’t want to be jealous. I don’t want to be angry. But why do some people get preggers so easily and others do not? I have a colleague who married a deadbeat. I mean LOSER! They dated briefly. Preggers on the honeymoon. WTF! But, I wouldn’t trade my life for hers, and I don’t think you wold trade yours for your sister’s. Maybe one part, but not the entire thing. Just try to remember that. A big hug. As always, thanks for your honesty.

    Reply

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