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Will you get better?

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It occurred to me today that I haven’t accepted that I may never recover from this. I know that it seems irrational, like I should know by now that PCOS can’t be “cured”, but no matter what the facts of my situation are (FACT: I have not ovulated in 9 months) I still hold on to this hope that one day, I will wake up, and my body will somehow magically decide to work perfectly. I have never managed to move past the stage of grief that is “anger and denial”. I cannot accept that my body is broken, and will never work properly. I cannot accept that it has never worked properly. I have never had regular cycles ever. Today, I got so angry at every single woman out there with perfectly predictable cycles. It was a completely irrational anger, I know…I am angry at both my sisters, my best friend, my old college roommate, basically, every woman I know. Aside from the blog community, I have not met one other woman who does not get predictable cycles. It enrages me that I was dealt this hand, and then I feel guilty because in the crap shoot of things you can be dealt with in life, irregular periods is certainly no where near as bad as some other things.

Today, I cried because I am angry that after years as a teenager telling my mom and doctors that something was wrong with my cycles, I was told that this was just my body “adjusting”. Irregular periods were “normal” because my mom had them, and my grandmother had them, and THEY had kids. I feel angry because there wasn’t one doctor who thought to test me further. Instead, I was just told to go on the pill.

There are some days when I feel so strong about this, and other days like today where the sadness I carry around about it completely overwhelms me.

So my question is: Do any of you still carry a belief that one day, you will get better? Do any of you who have PCOS feel like you have truly accepted the fact that you may never ovulate “normally”? Do any of you cling to the hope that one day you will find that magic bullet–that one recipe or supplement or exercise that kicks you into gear? Or that you will eliminate that one food that has been the cause of all of your problems without even knowing it?

Do you hold hope that one day, you will get better? That your ovaries will be as clear as a baby’s bottom? That you will have regular cycles?

 

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

15 responses »

  1. Shit, Sunny. I never actually thought I might never get better. I just keep hoping that one day I’ll do something right. Sort of the same with my maybe lupus. I don’t really think I have ever sat down and had a good boo hoo because this is just it. Now that you mention it, though, I think coming to terms with this might make every failed month a little less, I don’t know, shocking.

    What I do understand is your rage at people for not listening to you when you were young. I had been complaining to doctors for YEARS literally that I still did not have normal cycles even when on the pill. I actually walked out of an OBGYNs office once after the doctor rudely said to me, “I don’t know what to do about your irregular cycles. It’s your body. You tell me what you want. Do you want another birth control pill? Do you want a vaginal ultrasound? What?” I stood up, looked her in the eye and said, “I expected you to answer these questions,I think we are done here.” I walked out and did not pay. I never received a bill.

    I think this is where our voices become so damned important. If I want to the world to pay attention to ovulatory disorders I need to make a lot of noise about it. And so I blog. I talk to people. I post interesting articles causally on facebook. Anything to spread the word.

    P.S. My auto correct wants to make ovulatory “ejaculatory.” It’s such a mans world!

    Reply
    • Western medicine has such a long history of minimizing and ignoring women on the claims that they were ignorant or hysterical. I love the title of the book Women’s Bodies Women’s Wisdom, which was the beginning of the movement to allow us to take back our bodies. Unfortunately, we have a long way to go.

      Reply
  2. I am relating to this so much in terms of endo and pain, which I know is not the same. You have every reason to be bereaved and angry.

    Reply
  3. I am the opposite. I always had irregular and painful periods, and while I do have endometriosis, they don’t seem to think it’s bad enough to cause our IF. Actually, our diagnosis is “unexplained”…but I think I always knew somehow that I wouldn’t be able to have children, and until recently I didn’t imagine being in a position where I’d be able to do something to fix that. I don’t know why I felt this way, but I did, and still do. I don’t have any hope of being cured of IF or endo – although life with less pain would be nice.

    Gosh, I sound very fatalistic. That’s not how I usually am, I swear!

    Also – is it so bad to hope that you someday wake up and your body has realigned itself? It doesn’t mean you won’t stop doing what you can to move things along in the meantime. It doesn’t mean that you won’t find a way to grow your family sooner than if left up to your pcos. It can be really hard to silence that tiny hopeful voice in your head.

    Reply
  4. I have a slightly irrational belief that being pregnant will clear my ovaries and make them work good as new (i mean as good as someone else’s “new”, because good as new for me is worse than they were before we got pregnant). People say it happens. I don’t know. I just don’t want them to get *worse*.

    I think it took me a while to realize that I was really going to need help getting pregnant. I found out I had PCOS years before we were trying, so technically I still had all that time to come to that realization. It wasn’t until after more than a year of trying without ovulating (and one failed medicated cycle) that I finally came to believe that NO, I probably wasn’t going to get pregnant without assistance. HOPE. It is this thing that, while amazing, is also sometimes so destructive…

    HUGS.

    Reply
  5. I tried for a year, Sunny. One long year to empower my body to just work normally. To ovulate regularly, to function healthily. I threw everything at it. The super strict PCOS diet, the herbs, the supplements, the acupuncture, all of it. I realized I needed to rethink my vision when my naturopathic doctor suggested Metformin. And then I grieved for months while pooping my brains out from the medication. I then developed an awful mind/body connection that I’m still trying to rectify, but only after my husband told me he couldn’t stand to listen to one more self-deprecating comment because he loved me.

    So, I’m working on it, too.

    Reply
  6. I think I have accepted that I will never ovulate normally and built a different plan for baby-making around it. But it took a Clomid pregnancy, a miscarriage and this pregnancy for me to end up here at acceptance.

    I gave up on planning how far apart we want our babies, there will be no waiting between children, there will be no planning, I have just accepted that I have maybe one or two ovulations in me after a pregnancy before my ovaries cyst up too much for ovulation to happen. If that means I have Irish twins, so be it. If that means we don’t get pregnant the one time I ovulate, so be it, back to Clomid again and the very real possibility of a miscarriage again. And maybe another chance at ovulation again.

    I gave up on thinking anything is going to bring back normal ovulation, in my particular circumstances I know its strictly anovulation that keeps us from getting pregnant and all I need is to ovulate once or twice to get pregnant and I’ll do what I can to force that to happen…nothing more.

    Ha, did I accept it or give up on it? Who knows.

    Reply
  7. I have to preface with the fact that my sister has PCOS and got diagnosed 15 years before I did. So, with that, I had some idea of what I was dealing with when I got diagnosed. Also, I’ve had longer to adjust because we have been TTC for almost 3 years, with a miscarriage and MANY failed cycles along the way. But, here’s my 2 cents:

    I think I really have gotten to a place where I accept that my reproductive system does not function the way it is supposed to. I def went through an angry and resentful part of my process, but I realized that my anger won’t change the fact that I don’t ovulate without injectable meds. Also, I realized that TTC-wise, my diagnosis would not change my treatment plan, other than being on Metformin (which honestly never helped me much – at least I don’t think it did.) I needed IVF the same way women who have clockwork cycles need it.

    Another part of the story: there’s a lot about me, beyond TTC, that defies textbook explanation too. For example, I need medication for depression and anxiety (as does most of my family). I have a medical issue that needs treatment, despite the fact that I wish I didn’t. I compare that to my PCOS a lot. There are millions of people that DON’T have the issues I have, but I’m not one of them. I’m me. So, instead of wishing I was them, I try to focus on the fact that I may be flawed and I may need treatment other people don’t need, but hey, that’s me. Maybe those other people have issues I don’t have to deal with. Does that make sense?

    Reply
  8. I gave up on thinking things will work normally for me. Don’t let the fact that previous doctors never thought to say anything about your irregular cycles bother you…the exact same thing happened to me, and really there is most likely nothing you could have done back then to change your fertility now. I personally love being on birth control…it makes me feel much better hormonally…

    It sucks to think that we will have to go through so much every time we want to have a child, but I am trying to make myself realize that everyone has their own challenges in life and this is mine. Lame, but it makes me feel a little better…

    Reply
  9. PCOS and infertility is such a bitch. I am actually OK with the PCOS and irregular/non-existent periods when I’m not trying to conceive. I had to readjust my plans for the future when the infertility became an issue. Basically, you learn, you adjust, and you make the best of it!

    I’d be lying if I said I still don’t resent those fertile, regular people who get pregnant like its going to the grocery store (my mother and sister to name a couple). But, we are dealt our cards and we have to figure out how to play what we have!

    Hugs to you! Keep your head up!

    Reply
  10. Ugh. It’s soooo hard to grieve your infertility. It took me 7 years of knowing my ovaries don’t work and what, like 7 months of ACTIVELY ttc before I started my grieving process?!? I accept that without any regular treatment (acupuncture/herbs/the big C) I probably won’t ovulate on my own and while it’s sad to me, I know that’s just how I’m made. I got to acceptance already, but it doesn’t mean it lessens my frustrations, anger and heartbreak. I think the only thing I don’t feel regularly now is bitterness. But it still comes occasionally! I’m sorry you’re going through this though. It sucks and I don’t wish this BS on anyone. (((HUGS)))

    Reply
  11. Sunny, I was once told that I had PCOS and wouldn’t conceive naturally. I was told that I would have to be on clomid or the pill forever. That doctor was wrong. It took 14 months to conceive Penny, but I did it naturally with no clomid. And then I conceived this baby in a heartbeat. You never know. Have you read any Deepak Chopra? His theory is that the body is constantly being renewed through the growth of new cells and that you have an entire new body every few years. The body you are growing now is made up of the energy and attitude and food and environment that you are living in now. Something to think about. The body is a very powerful thing with lots of innate wisdom.

    Reply
  12. I got the same sort of response from doctors that you did. I never had regular periods. I could never predict them. I knew this wasn’t normal. But when I mentioned it to my doctors I was told that “some women are just like that.” So helpful!

    I finally started to get regular periods in my early thirties, after losing a significant amount of weight. That seemed to be the magic key for me, but I know it isn’t going to be a cure for everyone (particularly thin PCOSers). Unfortunately I wasn’t in a position to start ttc until my late 30s so, despite having regular cycles, I still have not achieved pregnancy – probably because of my age.

    I understand your grief and your anger. There’s so much in this that’s out of our control and it’s hard to accept.

    Reply
  13. I just started following your blog. I totally understand all of what you are saying. I don’t let the PCOS diagnosis beat me up. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t cure it. So I’m letting go of that and focusing on what I can do, like eating healthy, working out. I feel the same way about not being diagnosed sooner, given that I have always had the symptoms of PCOS. I’m frustrated that it took infertility for it to actually be diagnosed. But, we can’t look back on what should have been done; we can only work on what can be done from here on out.

    http://auntmimi2010.blogspot.com/

    Reply
  14. I still have a hard time buying the whole PCOS label (denial much?). My doctor told me straight off the bat that if (he must have meant when) I researched the symptoms, I’d think he was wrong. Endo, maybe, but PCOS? Not a chance. My claim of PCOS consists of overstocked ovaries and messed up hormones.

    After last week’s laparoscopy complete with ovarian drilling, I guess it’s starting to hit home a little bit more–my insides are messed. I struggle with the “why” a lot. Was I always like this? Did I do something to screw stuff up?

    I totally get the anger towards “normal” women. As if people can just, y’know, DO IT and get pregnant. That blows my mind and infuriates me. I hate being bitter, but I appreciate the interwebs for giving me an outlet for it.

    Reply

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