It occurred to me today that I haven’t accepted that I may never recover from this. I know that it seems irrational, like I should know by now that PCOS can’t be “cured”, but no matter what the facts of my situation are (FACT: I have not ovulated in 9 months) I still hold on to this hope that one day, I will wake up, and my body will somehow magically decide to work perfectly. I have never managed to move past the stage of grief that is “anger and denial”. I cannot accept that my body is broken, and will never work properly. I cannot accept that it has never worked properly. I have never had regular cycles ever. Today, I got so angry at every single woman out there with perfectly predictable cycles. It was a completely irrational anger, I know…I am angry at both my sisters, my best friend, my old college roommate, basically, every woman I know. Aside from the blog community, I have not met one other woman who does not get predictable cycles. It enrages me that I was dealt this hand, and then I feel guilty because in the crap shoot of things you can be dealt with in life, irregular periods is certainly no where near as bad as some other things.
Today, I cried because I am angry that after years as a teenager telling my mom and doctors that something was wrong with my cycles, I was told that this was just my body “adjusting”. Irregular periods were “normal” because my mom had them, and my grandmother had them, and THEY had kids. I feel angry because there wasn’t one doctor who thought to test me further. Instead, I was just told to go on the pill.
There are some days when I feel so strong about this, and other days like today where the sadness I carry around about it completely overwhelms me.
So my question is: Do any of you still carry a belief that one day, you will get better? Do any of you who have PCOS feel like you have truly accepted the fact that you may never ovulate “normally”? Do any of you cling to the hope that one day you will find that magic bullet–that one recipe or supplement or exercise that kicks you into gear? Or that you will eliminate that one food that has been the cause of all of your problems without even knowing it?
Do you hold hope that one day, you will get better? That your ovaries will be as clear as a baby’s bottom? That you will have regular cycles?