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My future unborn child will cry it out.

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Ahhh! Nothing like a good three days in Santa Cruz with my uber fertile younger sister, BIL,  and “attachment parented” nephew to really make me want to light up my ovaries like grenades and cast them into a sea of ovulating hippies.

WARNING: If you are a firm believer in attachment parenting, you may find this entry offensive. After experiencing attachment parenting for three (long…verrrrrrrry long) days, I can firmly say that my child (should I be blessed enough to have one–or maybe, please God, two) will CRY IT THE FUCK OUT at night until he/she can sleep peacefully for 8 hours. The whole business of having every shit, whimper and gas pain tended to wherever and whenever is simply not part of the plan should I ever have kids. Infancy is one thing–a child under 3 months old should absolutely be tended to every last minute, but if they have teeth, are walking around, and can start naming your boob “Tee tee” or whatever, they are crying it out at night. Call me callous, un-maternal, un-enlightened, whatever…I just cannot see myself being happy having my life revolve in this way around my (future unborn) baby. I reserve all right to eat my words on this, by the way!

I have mentioned my sister on the blog before, but for new comers, or those who need a refresher, she was an opiate abuser, thrice daily pot smoker who got pregnant on her first try (while she was abusing drugs, mind you!), and is now living up in Santa Cruz totally healthy and “reformed”.  So, for those of us who fear that one fleck of gluten will somehow destroy our fertile window, just know that there is a woman out there whose uterine lining was prepped with THC, and easily implanted an egg.

My nephew is 15 months old and is being raised in the style of “attachment parenting”. This means that rather than push him in a stroller, he is more often than not, carried in one of those sarong wrap thingies around my sister or her husband. He also sleeps in their bed (still) and does not sleep through the night because he is used to waking at night for feedings whenever he needs. My sister will nurse him whenever he wants (this also means that she whipped her boob out several times in public, and in front of my father… Cringe).  I am 100% certain that I will never. Ever. whip my tit out in front of my father when I breast feed in front of him. Call me old fashioned, prude, whatever. It just will never happen.

By far, I was most disturbed by the fact that the baby still shares a bed with my sister and her husband. I don’t know if this is typical of attachment style parenting, but in my humble, infertile-as-all-hell opinion, this is craziness. After chatting with her a bit about what this is like, she revealed that she and her husband have not had sex more than once every FOUR MONTHS since the baby has been born. Partly because he is in the bed with them, and partly because she has lost all sex drive for her husband.

I don’t want to sound high and mighty–and God knows, I have absolutely no reason to be–but 4 months of no sex seems…fucked up?

As is the case with all styles of parenting, there are all sorts of examples that demonstrate that children who are raised with attachment style parenting are very well adjusted, kind, loving individuals. But at what expense? Does the bond between mother and baby trump that of husband and wife? At what point is the child told that he cannot come into the bedroom? And what does that do to the child who has never been told that his parent’s bed isn’t his bed too?

And then I think about how damn easy it was for my sister to get pregnant, and it just makes me depressed as all hell…because regardless of what style of parenting she chooses…she still gets the option to choose. And I get to twiddle my bum ovaries and start Clomid in a few weeks. Yes. I am starting Clomid.

About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

30 responses »

  1. I agree completely. Your sister may want to invest in the book “go the fuck to sleep”…once her kid actually sleeps in his own room!

  2. omgaaaaawd. i am right there with you. 15 mos is too old to be doing that. and my sex drive is at an all-time low right now, but 4 MONTHS?!? even i wouldn’t want that. i believe parents need their intimacy to be better parents. thanks for a lesson in what not to do when we eventually have babies!

  3. I have a lot of friends who have done attachment parenting for a lot of years. I have watched in awe that they actually think this is good for the kid. In conversations where they have mentioned “so and so is making her baby cry it out” (so and so had to go back to work) I pointed out that we were all raised the cry it out method and we are l successful lawyers with loving husbands and no (severe) mental illnesses. It went over like a wet towel. Afterall, I have no parenting experience.

    This long wait to have children has made me very very very certain the cry it out (kindly) method will work best for us. The strangest thing is that once the parents move the 18 month – 3 year old kids into their own rooms, the kids STILL cry! How is it ok then but not earlier???

    • Good point! It’s not like it’s going to make it any easier on them to be shut out of the room at 3–in fact, they may have more traumatizing memories of it all. And CONGRATS LADY!!!! Soooo happy for you 🙂

  4. I agree. That is some crazy shit in my opinion. Every child needs to learn to soothe themselves and become independant. I am with you in that I will not be attachment parenting.

  5. I am a bit of a mad hippy myself, but I do think some mums take the attachment thing waaaay to far. Like you said, a tiny baby is one thing, but a child has to learn to self sooth otherwise you are just making a rod for your own back.
    We can be clomid sisters in mood swings then.

  6. Agree! I have some friends doing attachment parenting and it is absolutely destroying their marriage and, honestly, their kids don’t seem any better or worse off then those who are allowed to cry it out. Independence and tenacity is something my parents taught me by letting me tough it out on occasion (within reason always!) Today these two traits are some of my best. I’m tough and not afraid to go it alone and I very much hope that one day I can teach my future child the same thing.

    Re: Clomid – let the games begin! 🙂 I’ll be rooting for your ovaries, pretty lady!

  7. All I have to say to that is: oy vey!

  8. I’ve thought the same thing. There are some aspects of attachment parenting that seem reasonable but when anything is taken to the extreme, it just doesn’t make sense!

    Good luck with Clomid babe! How did it go with the new doc?

  9. Yes I have to laugh with sarcastic hysterics when I think to myself “you CAN’T skip the gym today, it might decrease your chance of ovulating!” when I know that people smoking crack (literally) pop out babies like a popcorn machine does popcorn. Ugh.
    Your sister is ANNOYING. I’m just putting that out there.
    And I don’t want a baby in my bed. It’s hard enough with the cats.
    Hope things go well with the Clomid!

    • I know–I do the same thing with eating one sip of dairy, or sugar. And then I see moms who smoke crack through their entire pregnancies. Awful.

  10. I am with you on no sleeping in our bed and remembering that sometimes kids just need to cry. I think you’ll be a great mom someday. One with perspective. Now, fingers crossed that clomid kicks those ovaries into gear.

  11. UGh! Nobody sleeps with kids in the bed! We rocked our son to sleep every night until one night he decided he didn’t want to be and we laid him on the floor on his boppy and passed out! After that we decided to start the cry it out crap. It was hard, but so worth it! He was like 7 months old.

    Good luck on the clomid! I hope it works for you…bring on the crazy! LOL!

    • This is interesting to know! 7 months seems like a very appropriate age to start the cry it out stuff, and I guarantee your son is going to be juuussst fine. 

  12. Amen, sister! Attachment parenting makes me very angry and I think it serves the parents a LOT more than it serves the kid. My babes will cry it out too!

  13. Oy. I think attachment parenting is ridiculous. Cursing the flying spaghetti monster right along with you.
    Ps- clomid! Yay!

  14. I agree that a lot of people take attachment parenting too far and I have a friend 8 months pregnant and still has a 3 year old breastfeeding and in her bed but honestly don’t think 18 months is at the “ridiculous” stage yet. I will have a baby in my bed and I will carry my baby as much as I can, but it’s somewhere between 1 and 2 years old that I’d like to move the kid to their own bed, but 2 is my goal for sure, I may be one of those with an 18 month in my bed but I sure hope not!!!

  15. I love that you shared this! I have a coworker who is so into attachment parenting. She even posted a picture of her son latched to her boob on facebook. Some version of the concept is good, but i don’t understand the baby in the bed thing. I feel like that is a parent’s place to have privacy, adult time. Not saying on occassion a kid can’t sleep there, but when it’s a nightly routine, I would miss that time with my husband. Letting kids cry is not going to turn them into a cold psychopath. But see what happens when your child raised by overbearing sheltered, coddling parents turns into an adolescent.

  16. I think some of the biggest lessons of early motherhood are a) never say never because you will find yourself doing shit you never dreamed, and b) learning not to judge other parents. In my experience, potential, expectant, and new mothers are very quick to say never and judge, myself included. But learning these lessons, IMO, is a mark of maternal maturity. Just something to think about.


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