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Monthly Archives: September 2012

Decisions

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I spoke to me doctor last night, and he found it strange that my period had started. It’s not a bleed, really…more like very dark brown blood which isn’t as heavy today. He said that one progesterone pill wouldn’t be enough to start a period, so he had no explanation as to why I started.

He told me that this “period” may not be enough of a drop in progesterone to trigger a full bleed, but that my lining was thin this past cycle, so it may just be a light period in general. He said that I could count Wednesday as my “Day 1” if I’d like, but that hopefully there wasn’t any old blood in my uterus that could cause lining issues should I actually ovulate on Clomid. I’m not too concerned about this, but you never know. Worst comes to worst, we figure out that 100mg Clomid was the correct dose, and try again next month. Actually, worst case scenario: we discover that 100mg doesn’t do the trick at all. Best case: well….dare I hope for that right now?

Tomorrow is CD 3 and I will start my 100mg of Clomid. I’m a bit more nervous about this dose than I was for the 50mg…something tells me my body will respond better to this, and of course, I may see more side effects. I’ve already been pretty tough to live with due to the diet and general bitchiness about work and school, so I may need to lock myself away from Hubs for a few days this month if I feel incredibly grumpy.

Oh auntie Flo, You little minx you

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First up: Stupid Stork (who I celebrity stalk now because her blog is so damn funny) has started a Manly Monday weekly blog post which I have joined up with. Every Monday, I will be posting a very manly fact, quip, or moment about my manly husband which should prove entertaining because my husband is only slightly more sane than I am, and more hairy (even with my PCOS). Unfortunately, I realized that I missed the first Manly Monday post this week, so I will start next Monday. But as a tease at what may be revealed about Hubs on Manly Mondays:

This Monday, Hubs told me about some internet porn he had watched recently with what he said was, “really freaky music”. We’re very open with the porn watching in our household, by the way. Hubs still has the sex drive of a 19 year old, so unless I want to boink every night, porn it is. I look to porn as his “penis babysitter” when I’m tired, need to shower, or have laundry to fold. In all honesty, after 2 years in a former relationship where I basically had to beg for sex, Hub’s awesome libido is a true bonus, and I wouldn’t trade it for all the “cuddle nights” in the world.  But anyway: I digress.

Hub’s porn soundtrack show and tell was all done as I was making breakfast in the kitchen, and he was in the adjacent office. He  proceeded to play the porn and make me listen to the “soundtrack” which consisted of really insane angry techno music and a couple screaming in a very unsexy way while doing the nasty.

ME: (stirring the oatmeal) Wow. That is scary.

HUBS: Yeah, I know.

ME: Do you want any oatmeal?

In other WTF moments this week, I woke up to my period this morning. Yeah. My body has no idea what the hell to do with me.I will admit that I took one Provera pill on Wednesday, but then stopped when I realized that if I continued on that track and timed everything out I would be ovulating this next cycle while I was in Europe. I figured I’d take the other 9 Provera pills a couple of weeks from now so I would be out of the ovulation danger zone while I’m in France.  I’m no expert on Provera, but would one measly little pill have been enough to make me get a period 6 days later when my progesterone was basically 0 5 days ago?

As of last week, my blood work showed no possible ovulation, and even if I ovulated AFTER the test, that was only 5 or 6 days ago. So this period is just a hormonal spotty bleed. There is no red blood–more redish brown and watery…Is this CD1? Does this mean I start 100mg of Clomid in 2 days??

My only other explanations for AF right now are that I had acupuncture on Saturday which could have done the trick? I seriously doubt the PCOS friendly diet I’ve been on for 3 days could have jump started me again…

As far as the diet goes, it’s a LOT easier than last time because I have some set food items I know I can eat. I’m not starving all the time, and I seem to be managing the sugar cravings all right (although last night was a bit of a shit show.)

Elimination Diet Redux

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Over the past few weeks, ever since my 50mg of Clomid failed, I’ve been increasing in uneasiness. Loathe as I am to admit it, I have come full circle to one full year of TTC with no ovulation. My chin hairs are still sprouting, my belly fat still won’t budge (due to high circulating testosterone levels and an erratic diet I have gained close to 10 pounds this year), my hairline is receding, my tongue is still swollen looking and pale, my sleep issues haven’t improved, and I’ve been moody and depressed.

I decided this weekend that as hard as it is for me to do this (again…) I’m going back on my Elimination Diet. Sort of. I’m going to keep some eggs and soy (tofu) but starting today I will be eliminating:

1. caffeine (I am allowing myself a cup of green tea in the morning for the first few days)
2. alcohol
3. sugar
4. dairy
5. wheat products of any kind

In the 5 weeks I was able to do this a few months ago, I felt better than I have all year (aside for my 2 weeks of hell detoxing from all of this shit). Knowing what I know now, I need to stick to this diet plan for months, not just weeks. It has to be a life style change, not just a challenge. My sugar consumption is getting out of control. I have made up a chart of all of the supplements and vitamins I need to take during the day as well. Green Drink of Terror is coming back to play in a BIG way, folks. As nasty as it is, it is so healthy.

I will be traveling to Cannes on business in a few weeks (poor me, I know!) so I will be giving myself a 5 day free pass from this diet while I’m there, but for the most part, I plan on continuing this diet indefinitely (except for holidays. Those also get a free pass).

I know this sounds weird, but I am also going to take pictures of my tongue. In Chinese medicine, the tongue is a very strong indicator of systemic imbalance. My tongue is pale and swollen which is indicative of a sluggish, tired, damp system with a tendency towards cysts. I can’t even remember the last time my tongue has been pink and not pale/grey. So, in hopes of seeing some real systemic change with this diet, I will be photographing my tongue once a week upon waking up, before eating.

For breakfast today:

Hot quinoa cereal with cinnamon and agave with a side of raspberries. Maybe some almond milk.

Forgive me if I don’t sound pumped up or excited…I just know how hard this is going to be for the first couple of weeks…and I can’t believe I’m doing this again…

Who’s your Famous Lookalike?

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Day 21 blood test results in:

Estradiol: 33

Progesterone: 0.4

No chance I ovulated (duh) and now it’s on to 100mg Clomid. I’ll first pick up some Provera today to induce a bleed (or, most likely, spotting, as my gyno said my uterine lining was probably too thin to have a full bleed. Thanks, low estrogen!). I have many other questions about estrogen levels (like, why the *f* is my body not producing any?), the use of estrogen patches, and Clomid’s effects on estrogen, but I will save that for another post.

I was thinking yesterday about all of the virtual friends I’ve made through the blogging process. I see the way we hold each other up in times of crisis, support our wins and our losses, and are just….you know…there for each other. For lack of more adjectives, this community is amazing. If I had to go through this with only myself and Hubs at the helm, I would feel so lost. So thank you to everyone who reads my ramblings. After one failed round of Clomid, I can tell that the further I go down this road with meds, the higher my hopes for each cycle  will get, and the more disappointed I will be if it doesn’t work out.

So, as I was thinking fondly about you yesterday, I realized that I may not get to meet many of you in person, ever. The anonymity that many of us keep on the blogs (myself included!) also keeps me from ever knowing what you look like!

Then, this morning, I came across a famous lookalikes site. Holy shit. This one may be my most favorite pic ever!!!

Millard Fillmore? Or Jack Donaghy?

So, my question is, who is your celebrity look-alike? I have a few I get pretty consistently.

As a girl, I would get: “You look like that girl from My Girl” at least a few times a month. Turns out, I still highly resemble Anna Chlumsky. And did I mention I love Veep?

Coming in a close second is, for some odd reason, Nicole Kidman. I have no clue why, but I think it’s simply the shape of my eyebrows.

Who is your lookalike?

 

Post labor day brain dump

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This entry will be more housekeeping in nature. Goodness knows, I don’t want you lovely readers to miss one single second of my enormously fabulous life.

The last four days consisted of:

1. A really fun sushi dinner with Hubs and his friend. I knew there was no way I had ovulated, so salmon and yellowtail were all mine…MINE. Actually, I know this may be taboo in some circles, but I most likely will not give up sushi completely during pregnancy should I be able to conceive my own little personal handroll. The millions of Japanese women who rely on fish as a staple seem to have happy, healthy babies all the time.

Dear God, please let me conceive, simply so I can buy this Halloween costume for my newborn. Amen.

2. After the sushi dinner, we hung out at our house for a little while. Hubs played piano and we sang Jesus Christ Superstar and a really bad version of “No Day But Today” from Rent. Then Hubs’ friend left and we sang Little Shop. Damnit that musical is near perfect. Seriously. I cry a little bit inside when I think that I will never come close to writing a musical like that.

3. After about 10 years of swearing it off due to the fact that it makes me highly paranoid, anxietal, and jittery, Hubs and decided to smoke weed together for the first time (what am I, 12?). I should preface the whole weed smoking thing with the fact that I have a sister who lives in San Francisco (not the uber fertile one in Santa Cruz) who is a bit of a pot connoisseur. After explaining to her my woes about feeling like I need a straightjacket every time I smoked, she pulled out this elaborate chart which explained the nuances of weed (who knew!) and then promptly got me a bag of something that smelled like a skunk up and died in there. The stuff I used to get as a teen was basically glorified oregano, so I was 110% convinced that this medicinal grade stuff would multiply my paranoia ten fold and have me shivering in a corner somewhere. Au contrair, mon frairinas! Whatever the hell nuance this weed was, it was the calmest, most relaxing, kick back on the couch, world is my oyster kind of experience I’ve ever had with the stuff. Hubs and I watched “Zapped” (starring a post-Chachi, pre-Charles in Charge Scott Baio), laughed stupidly at the gratuitous boobs in the movie, and ate Skinny Cows. I’m not saying I’ll be a full time pot head now, but damnit, that was a relaxing way to spend a Saturday night.

4. I ran 7 miles on Saturday and could barely walk the rest of the weekend. However, Hubs admired/squeezed my butt and said something along the lines of, “Damn, that butt is awesome.” The comment left me giddy.

What I think I look like.

Closer to what I actually look like.

5. We hosted a BBQ for 12 friends on Monday. In the process of cleaning the patio furniture , we came across a big bunch of these under the corner of a couple of chairs:

Hello creepy looking balls of alien spores.

After trying to release them from their webs to clean the chairs…I spotted a motionless spider curled up in a crevasse next to what I now assumed to be spider eggs. I tapped the wood near its body and it didn’t budge.

Me: I think it’s dead.

Hubs: (shakily) Umm…I don’t know. I wouldn’t touch it.

Me: (tapping the wood near it) See? Not budging.

Hubs: (eerily calm) I just Googled “black widow eggs” and this image came up.

Hubs and I turned to look at each other.

Hubs: I hate nature.

Armed with a can of Raid and huge purple rubber kitchen gloves, Hubs did his manly duty and sprayed the chair. As soon as he did, the spider I thought was dead (and was basically taunting with my stupid twig) jumped out of its nest. In a hail of Raid fury, Hubs sent the widow to its maker. Upon further internet searching, we found out that it was actually a brown widow, not a black widow, and we felt bad the rest of the day for killing an innocent spider who did nothing wrong but build her nest under our cheap patio furniture.

RIP brown widow. You tried to procreate, but our cheap burgers and dogs took precedence over your babies. Please don’t punish us karmicly for this.

6. I took my Day 21 blood test yesterday (it was technically Day 23, but given the holiday weekend, it was the best I could do.) I’ll find out the results of progesterone and estradiol levels today.

Hope everyone had a relaxing weekend!

 

I’m awsome.

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Against my wishes, my ovaries just got a tattoo:

Yes, ovaries. You certainly are awsome.

It’s CD21, and I need to accept that this cycle is officially a bust. No more ferning on my ovulation slides, a few failed ovulation tests, erratic BBT, low, hard, closed cervix, and sticky CM. Take the hint, Sunny.

I just keep thinking back to that uncomfortable look on my gyno’s face last week when he was trying to make it seem like I still had a “slim” possibility of ovulating. I’m not a dumb ass. I could see the writing on the wall even then with my shitty 7mm folicle. I fucking HATE when people try and spare the truth. (rant).

Nope, these ovaries aren’t ovulating this month. The lights are on, the bar’s closing up, and my ovaries are just starting to look sweaty and ugly now.

Time to go home now, ovaries. Time to go home.

My ovaries laughed in the face of 50mg of Clomid. Laughed, and probably formed a whole bunch of cysts which are now sitting there releasing testosterone into my system, thus further preventing ovulation. Dr. Good Eggs called and left a message a couple of days ago about my testosterone blood test results. A normal range for a pre-menopausal woman is between 15-40ish. Mine was 78. Basically, I’m lucky I don’t have a full beard and balls right now. I feel like it will be very difficult to ovulate with my testosterone levels the way they are, and I’m almost doubting that it will be worth 100mg of Clomid right now if my system is so screwed with the hormone levels. But try I will.

He says the Met should help with the testosterone levels, and I have been taking 2,000mg religiously for the last week. I’ve had a few bloating episodes, and the occasional bowel issues, but nothing close to what I had worried about. 6 months from now (which feels like an eternity), I will get another test to see if my testosterone levels have gone down.

I know that I’m not even close to exhausting my ovulation options–I’ve really just begun dipping my toe into fertility meds…but I just wanted a “win”, you know?

On the flip side, I went on my first long run in a very long time yesterday. 7 miles, and I am HURTING today, but it made me remember how much I loved running, and how good it is for my anxiety levels and overall well being. I’m hoping to go on another shorter run today, and keep it up.

Happy Labor Day Weekend (I feel ironic writing this on an IF blog.)