I met my friend K on the first day of 7th grade. She was tall, beautiful, and wore this great jean mini skirt that I was secretly jealous of. I knew instantly that I wanted to be her friend. There was something about the way we were together that just “clicked”. My out there sense of humor played well off of her more quiet one-liners. We had a crew of about 6 other girls who we’d eat lunch with, but there was never a question: she was my bestie. Our friendship got stronger throughout the years as we went through high school together, and even went to college in the same city.
She was married a few years before me, and got pregnant instantly with her first child. At that time, I was not even married yet, so I didn’t know the road I’d be facing in terms of TTC. I had an inking that it would not be as easy for me as it was for K, but I was happy for her nonetheless. She had a very uneventful pregnancy, and a beautiful baby girl.
K and her husband moved to London where they have been living the last couple of years. We try to catch up on Skype every now and then, and I see her as much as I can during her visits to LA. I have been open with her about my infertility, and she has tried to be as supportive as a fertile can be, but I admit, it’s been hard to talk to her about it sometimes. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through IF can truly comfort someone who is going through infertility…She has been talking to me recently about thinking about another child, but doesn’t want to “try” too soon because as soon as she does, she’ll be pregnant. She doesn’t mean to come off as insensitive, it’s just the plain facts–she gets pregnant on her first try.
Although I have only told a handful of people about this pregnancy, K was the one friend I wanted to let know early. I called her on Skype this morning, and we caught up a bit. She told me she was feeling a bit under the weather, and looked exhausted. “But enough about me,” she said. “How are you?”
“Well, I’m pregnant!”
“Oh my God!! That’s so exciting! I had a feeling that’s why you wanted to talk! How far along are you?”
“Only about 6 weeks…I know I’m still not out of the woods yet, but I knew I could tell you. ”
Her face sort of got a little worried for me. Almost like I had made a mistake in telling so early. Plus, she did her nervous laugh, which she always does when she’s uncomfortable.
“Well,” she said, “I guess since you told me, I’ll tell you–I’m 6 weeks pregnant too!”
Yep. Our due dates are within 5 days of one another.
I’m trying to be over the moon excited that me and my best friend of 20 years are both pregnant at EXACTLY the same time, but I feel a tidal wave of mixed emotions. Part of me feels hurt…Maybe it’s just the hormones typing right now, but if I hadn’t let her know I was pregnant, she never would have told me. And then I think, maybe I should be keeping my big mouth shut about all of this for a while. I’m the stupid one who keeps blabbing about this pregnancy to my mom, dad, sister, and now, my best friend. I’m still so so SO far from being out of the woods. K knows this, and she isn’t telling anyone. AND SHE’S A FERTILE!
As we talked about symptoms and stuff, I began to feel so far removed from her. She is not nervous at all. She’s tired, nauseous, and is going to have her first measuring ultrasound next week. She spoke about it as if she knew 100% there was going to be a healthy baby in there to greet her. There were no questions, no doubts. I told her about my pinching cervical symptoms, and she looked at me blankly and said she had never felt those, but “every pregnancy is so different.” I want whatever SHE is having. All of those fucking fertile pregnancy symptoms that basically guarantee she’s going to have kid #2.
I’m crying right now. And the fucked up thing is, I’m glad I’m crying, because maybe that means my pregnancy hormones are still working. I am beyond excited that I may get to share this pregnancy with my best friend. And I’m also beyond terrified that it will be taken away from me, and I will have to watch as my fertile best friend gives birth on my due date. It would be too much for me to handle. Just…too damn much.
I wish I could have kept my fucking mouth shut. I wish I could just be elated that me and my best friend are pregnant together, right now, in this moment. Please, God, don’t take this pregnancy away from me.