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Monthly Archives: November 2012

Hormonal Bawl Fest

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Holy crap, y’all. Who turned on the waterworks in here?? Yesterday it was this “my friend is pregnant like me” crap, and today? Today…was bad.

After a relatively shitty commute to work, my boss said something to me in a morning meeting that rubbed me the wrong way. Ordinarily, I shrug those things off and keep on plugging away. Today? Nope. Closed the door to my office and looked something like this:

But I thought my Excel spreadsheet looked pretty!!!!!!!!

The littlest things send me off into a tailspin. I always used to roll my eyes and think it was a big bunch of crock that hormones could really make you lose your shit so badly, but this crying in my office stuff is unheard of.

The capper was this afternoon when I went to the office fridge to crack open some newly purchased milk and eat it with cookies. When I took the cap off the milk carton, the MOTHER LOVING tab sealing the milk shut was no where in sight. I basically had no idea if someone in my office had decided to open my carton of milk (who does that??), or if it had been opened when I bought it at Target. Unwilling to risk cyanide poisoning this early in life, I had to throw the ENTIRE carton away. Guess what happened as I poured all of that precious milk down the sink? Yep. You guessed it:

All that beautiful, beautiful milk, going to utter waste.

I need to crawl in bed when I get home.

 

 

Best Friends Forever

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I met my friend K on the first day of 7th grade. She was tall, beautiful, and wore this great jean mini skirt that I was secretly jealous of. I knew instantly that I wanted to be her friend. There was something about the way we were together that just “clicked”. My out there sense of humor played well off of her more quiet one-liners. We had a crew of about 6 other girls who we’d eat lunch with, but there was never a question: she was my bestie. Our friendship got stronger throughout the years as we went through high school together, and even went to college in the same city.

She was married a few years before me, and got pregnant instantly with her first child. At that time, I was not even married yet, so I didn’t know the road I’d be facing in terms of TTC. I had an inking that it would not be as easy for me as it was for K, but I was happy for her nonetheless. She had a very uneventful pregnancy, and a beautiful baby girl.

K and her husband moved to London where they have been living the last couple of years. We try to catch up on Skype every now and then, and I see her as much as I can during her visits to LA. I have been open with her about my infertility, and she has tried to be as supportive as a fertile can be, but I admit, it’s been hard to talk to her about it sometimes. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through IF can truly comfort someone who is going through infertility…She has been talking to me recently about thinking about another child, but doesn’t want to “try” too soon because as soon as she does, she’ll be pregnant. She doesn’t mean to come off as insensitive, it’s just the plain facts–she gets pregnant on her first try.

Although I have only told a handful of people about this pregnancy, K was the one friend I wanted to let know early. I called her on Skype this morning,  and we caught up a bit. She told me she was feeling a bit under the weather, and looked exhausted. “But enough about me,” she said. “How are you?”

“Well, I’m pregnant!”

“Oh my God!! That’s so exciting! I had a feeling that’s why you wanted to talk! How far along are you?”

“Only about 6 weeks…I know I’m still not out of the woods yet, but I knew I could tell you. ”

Her face sort of got a little worried for me. Almost like I had made a mistake in telling so early. Plus, she did her nervous laugh, which she always does when she’s uncomfortable.

“Well,” she said, “I guess since you told me, I’ll tell you–I’m 6 weeks pregnant too!”

Yep. Our due dates are within 5 days of one another.

I’m trying to be over the moon excited that me and my best friend of 20 years are both pregnant at EXACTLY the same time, but I feel a tidal wave of mixed emotions. Part of me feels hurt…Maybe it’s just the hormones typing right now, but if I hadn’t let her know I was pregnant, she never would have told me. And then I think, maybe I should be keeping my big mouth shut about all of this for a while. I’m the stupid one who keeps blabbing about this pregnancy to my mom, dad, sister, and now, my best friend. I’m still so so SO far from being out of the woods. K knows this, and she isn’t telling anyone. AND SHE’S A FERTILE!

As we talked about symptoms and stuff, I began to feel so far removed from her. She is not nervous at all. She’s tired, nauseous, and is going to have her first measuring ultrasound next week. She spoke about it as if she knew 100% there was going to be a healthy baby in there to greet her. There were no questions, no doubts. I told her about my pinching cervical symptoms, and she looked at me blankly and said she had never felt those, but “every pregnancy is so different.”  I want whatever SHE is having. All of those fucking fertile pregnancy symptoms that basically guarantee she’s going to have kid #2.

I’m crying right now. And the fucked up thing is, I’m glad I’m crying, because maybe that means my pregnancy hormones are still working. I am beyond excited that I may get to share this pregnancy with my best friend. And I’m also beyond terrified that it will be taken away from me, and I will have to watch as my fertile best friend gives birth on my due date. It would be too much for me to handle. Just…too damn much.

I wish I could have kept my fucking mouth shut. I wish I could just be elated that me and my best friend are pregnant together, right now, in this moment. Please, God, don’t take this pregnancy away from me.

6 weeks, 1 day

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One week, 2 days until my ultrasound. I can do this… I can make this…must…stop…Googling.

I want to trust my body and feel like it’s doing everything it’s supposed to be doing, but this morning I woke up and my boobs didn’t have their normal achy soreness. I have no nausea. And to top things off, I have been feeling sharp pinches in my cervical area this morning which are freaking me the hell out. No bleeding or anything, just a feeling like something is taking a tiny tweezer and squeezing the top inside portion of my cervix/bottom of my uterus. The pinches come and go, but they’re not pleasant…

I am struggling to stay positive about everything. I have to keep repeating to myself that this is all completely out of my hands–seriously. There is not one thing I could do differently to keep this baby if the baby decides it doesn’t want to stick around. The ball of cells has been set in motion, and about 80% of the time, it forms a healthy happy baby who drools on things and poops. If someone told me those were my odds for winning the lotto, I’d certainly buy a ticket.

 

I came, I saw, I ate. Everything.

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Happy post-food coma! This Thanksgiving, I’m not gonna lie….I gorged. Yep, I have become a human food vacuum. Unfortunately, my ass, stomach, and thighs don’t seem to understand that just because I eat 3,000 calories a day doesn’t mean they get to go all crazy and stop fitting into my jeans. Stupid ass. I’m mad at myself for giving into cravings for bagels and cream cheese the last few mornings.

Never fear, though. I paid the price for my gluttony. My stomach was so bloated and distended yesterday I looked about 5 months pregnant instead of 5 weeks, and I kept squeezing my belly fat and poking at it, depressed. To make things even more interesting, the one consistent pregnancy symptom I have aside from my boobs each weighing about 5 pounds each, is constipation. It had been 3 days since I’d been able to go. Yesterday, a painful mass exodus occurred in my colon. It was like that scene in Fiddler at the end, where they’re all singing “Anatevka”. In a game of “let’s terrify the 5 week pregnant Infertile”, I wiped afterwards, and a huge bright red blood stain appeared on the toilet paper, as well as a puddle of blood in the toilet. After an audible gasp, and some frantic “ass or vag” tests with more toilet paper, I realized that this blood was definitely a nasty hemorrhoid, not a miscarriage. Now I am terrified to poo, which is always great for constipation.  I’m applying castor oil to the region, hoping it will reduce the inflamation and make me less scared to go.

And that, my friends, is the story of Thanksgiving.

I wish I had more exciting things to report. I’ve been feeling like a drip lately because I’ve been going to bed at 8 or 9PM every night, and sleeping a good 10-12 hours which is basically unheard of for me. My energy levels are definitely up and down lately. I tried going to the gym yesterday and was winded after 10 minutes of brisk walking on the treadmill. I’m trying not to overdo it, but as someone who loves running and physical activity, these are all new feelings for me.

Without an ultrasound confirming anything for another week or so, I’m sort of in this limbo state right now. However, I’m not regretting my decision to wait. Until then, I will continue to update you on bloody hemorroids and boobs that weigh about a ton each. We’re talking porn star boobs here, people. Holy shit!

 

Stupid vanishing symptoms

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The first week I found out I was pregnant, my uterus sort of felt like there was a party going on in it at all times. I felt cramps, some pressure, lots of reassurances to let me know that things were moving in there.

This week?

I got nothing.

And it’s freaking me the hell out.

Sure, I have some mild tiredness, my boobs/nips are still sore, and I’m constipated like a mo fo, but that’s it. Other than that, I feel completely and utterly normal.

I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL NORMAL RIGHT NOW!!

I want to be dry heaving into the toilet, falling asleep at my desk, and barely able to scrape myself off the floor. I want my ute to put on its big girl pants and a party hat, and give me some signs that things are safely, normally, and pregnantly brewing in there.  This vanishing symptom bullshit is seriously mind fucking me right now.

I don’t think I’m going in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound, either.

I know–I’m a glutton for suspense.

Here’s my rationale: The only day I can do it next week would be Tuesday, and I’d only be 6 weeks 1 day along which is still in that grey zone as to whether it’s too soon to see a heartbeat. I’d rather wait until the following week 7 when we’re either going to see something awesome and amazing, or we’ll know that things are not going well. I am not a “maybe” sort of girl. I need to get as close to certain as I can get with all of this.

Aside from all of my bitching about ghost symptoms, I am so grateful for this experience. I’m trying to stay grounded in the present and enjoy every last waking moment of pregnancy, however long it lasts …but it’s so hard to keep my hopes from wandering where they shouldn’t go. I think about a holiday dinner where we can announce the good news, a flicker and “whoosh” sound of a heartbeat, really knowing that there is someone growing there…it all feels just out of my grasp right now, and I know that the only thing I can do is be here in the moment of it all. I don’t want to lose any of these moments, as they feel so precious and precarious right now.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I hope you all have a very warm and relaxing holiday.

 

Rethinking my 5 week ultrasound

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Ok. So. You know how I have huge anxiety around pee sticks? So much so that I waited until 15dpo to test, and even then, I only used one cheapo HCG strip to confirm, and have never tested again? I’ve realized that my impending ultrasound tomorrow at 5 weeks, 1 day has taken the pee stick anxiety and multiplied it by a thousand.

My RE likes to err on the cautious side, I guess, but after doing some thinking on this, I feel like I am setting myself up for a major lose/lose scenario as I go into what is supposed to be a relaxing 4 day weekend. An ultrasound this early feels akin to doing a pregnancy test at 9DPO–sure, there have been some positives on record…but for the most part, you’re staring at a BFN even if you’re knocked up.

My logic behind waiting another week for the ultrasound is as follows: First up: I have no pain, no spotting, and nothing that would indicate that there is a significant problem thus far. So, I’m not sure what an ultrasound buys me this early, in that department. Second up: 5 weeks and 1 day may be too early to even see an embryo in there, let alone a heartbeat. Sure, we’ve all heard stories about someone who has seen all of the above, but from what I can tell, it’s rare.  For someone who does NOT do well with uncertainty, I can only imagine how my Thanksgiving weekend will unfold should the doctor say, “Well, I don’t see anything in there yet, but it’s probably still too early to tell…” I would MUCH rather wait until I’m around 6 weeks and there is a definite chance of seeing an embryo and (please God) a heartbeat. This would get me past holidays with the family, and into a better space mentally. In the name of turkey, pie, and good times with the fam, ignorance is bliss this early in the game.

So yes. After writing all of this, I believe I am going to forgo the ultrasound tomorrow in favor of sanity over the long weekend. Is this negligent? I just have a hard time believing that I absolutely need one this early. Sorry, little one! Hang tight, and I’ll sneak a peek of you next week.

PCOS is messing with my head

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It has been one full week since I got my positive pee stick. Each day this past week has felt like a freaking eternity. I’m doing all right…if doing all right means only squeezing my boobs and pinching my nipples around 30 times a day to make sure that they are still sufficiently hurting and tender. The boobs are pretty much my one lone symptom right now. Earlier in the week my abdomen was feeling very full and crampy, which I was grateful for, but the last few days, the cramps haven’t been very strong, and only come very occasionally.  I suppose I’m a bit more tired than usual, but then again, I love napping in general, and did so even before pregnancy, so it’s pretty normal for me to curl up in bed at around 2PM on the weekend for a little R&R.

There’s only one other “symptom” of my pregnancy that I have…

Yep, you guessed it!

I still haven’t gotten my period.

This is a terrific indicator of pregnancy for everyone who menstruates like clockwork, but for me and my broken body, pregnancy is feeling a lot like… the entire year I just spent without a period. My head is having a very hard time believing that I’m pregnant, even though all signs point to “Of course you are, dumb ass.” It’s just that…well…I was always the one that rolled her eyes at the part in the movie where the accidentally pregnant chick realizes she’s “late” after one week. After my first ovulatory cycle off the pill in September of 2011, I was twelve months “late” until Clomid finally kicked in in September of 2012.

Not that I’m complaining about this whole lack of period thing AT ALL right now (I want that bitch GONE for the next 9 months), it’s just a bummer that the PCOS and anovulation has seriously messed with my head. It made me wonder if anyone else who has struggled with PCOS has ever felt this sort of surreal feeling around pregnancy. Or maybe everyone feels a bit surreal about it the first week? I’m trying to relax and get into this, but the year I spent feeling barren and menstruation-less is hard to shake.  I got so used to not having a period, it started to become my “normal state” versus anything remotely indicative of pregnancy.

Has anyone with anovulation had a hard time synching their brain with their body during pregnancy? I’m hoping that the ultrasound on Tuesday will help me connect a bit more to the little tadpole inside of me. Keep growing in there, little one!