It hit me this morning that I missed my one year blogiversary. Damn! I had intended to do a big post for it, and instead, I think I slept through it last weekend, or was too busy Googling “11DPO no symptoms still hope”. Argh.
11/10/11 marked the first entry in what will be nearly 200 entries since. But even more important, it marks the beginning of the ridiculously amazing support group that is all of you. Before this blog, I was crying pretty much daily about our situation, and about PCOS in general. I felt so completely and utterly alone, and was pretty hopeless. Her Royal Fabulousness (who absolutely lives up to her name, by the way), let me in on the fact that she was keeping a blog about her own journey with PCOS and TTC, and it inspired me to write. And then came all of you. Pardon me while I get all emotional for a bit (I blame the increased estrogen), but I wish to all that is good and ovulatory that I could hug all of you IRL. You have held me up in times of stress, cheered me on in times of hopefulness, and have been so supportive of the unexpected events occurring over the last few days. I wish I could stop by unexpectedly and annoy and creep out every last one of you with hugs and cheek pinchies (butt cheek pinchies, of course).
I have no idea what the next weeks and months will hold in terms of this pregnancy…I have been thinking a lot about what I will write about should everything go all right. I want to keep writing– I love this community– but I don’t think I will be posting bumpdates, or weekly pictures of fruit. It just doesn’t feel “me”. And then I kick myself repeatedly for getting ahead of myself like this. For even daring to muse that I could have the choice to blog about something other than why the fuck I won’t ovulate. I haven’t even gotten the results of Beta #2 back yet (I’m terrified, btw.) so I probably need to put down the positive pee stick and shut the hell up. I realize that it’s hard to read a blog of someone who is knocked up when you’re in the trenches, and I fully support you if you need to shun me, defriend me, stop reading, make a dart board of my face/ovaries/uterus, etc. I’ll pout a bit, but I’ll understand. It turns out that as of right now, I am “that girl”, and I might hate me a bit too.
Beta #2 comes in this afternoon. I told the nurse drawing my blood to think positive thoughts for me when he put the needle in, and then I said, “double down” which was awkward and not really that funny. He chuckled politely. I found a lucky penny outside of the clinic (it was on the ground HEADS UP, as only a lucky penny should be) as I was walking out of my blood test this morning. I picked it up and I made a wish for a really great doubleiscious beta and said a little prayer to that tiny bundle of cells about the size of “*” this to please stick around. Please. It’s funny how something so tiny can hold such a huge amount of hope.