The first week I found out I was pregnant, my uterus sort of felt like there was a party going on in it at all times. I felt cramps, some pressure, lots of reassurances to let me know that things were moving in there.
I got nothing.
And it’s freaking me the hell out.
Sure, I have some mild tiredness, my boobs/nips are still sore, and I’m constipated like a mo fo, but that’s it. Other than that, I feel completely and utterly normal.
I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL NORMAL RIGHT NOW!!
I want to be dry heaving into the toilet, falling asleep at my desk, and barely able to scrape myself off the floor. I want my ute to put on its big girl pants and a party hat, and give me some signs that things are safely, normally, and pregnantly brewing in there. This vanishing symptom bullshit is seriously mind fucking me right now.
I don’t think I’m going in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound, either.
I know–I’m a glutton for suspense.
Here’s my rationale: The only day I can do it next week would be Tuesday, and I’d only be 6 weeks 1 day along which is still in that grey zone as to whether it’s too soon to see a heartbeat. I’d rather wait until the following week 7 when we’re either going to see something awesome and amazing, or we’ll know that things are not going well. I am not a “maybe” sort of girl. I need to get as close to certain as I can get with all of this.
Aside from all of my bitching about ghost symptoms, I am so grateful for this experience. I’m trying to stay grounded in the present and enjoy every last waking moment of pregnancy, however long it lasts …but it’s so hard to keep my hopes from wandering where they shouldn’t go. I think about a holiday dinner where we can announce the good news, a flicker and “whoosh” sound of a heartbeat, really knowing that there is someone growing there…it all feels just out of my grasp right now, and I know that the only thing I can do is be here in the moment of it all. I don’t want to lose any of these moments, as they feel so precious and precarious right now.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I hope you all have a very warm and relaxing holiday.