Happy post-food coma! This Thanksgiving, I’m not gonna lie….I gorged. Yep, I have become a human food vacuum. Unfortunately, my ass, stomach, and thighs don’t seem to understand that just because I eat 3,000 calories a day doesn’t mean they get to go all crazy and stop fitting into my jeans. Stupid ass. I’m mad at myself for giving into cravings for bagels and cream cheese the last few mornings.
Never fear, though. I paid the price for my gluttony. My stomach was so bloated and distended yesterday I looked about 5 months pregnant instead of 5 weeks, and I kept squeezing my belly fat and poking at it, depressed. To make things even more interesting, the one consistent pregnancy symptom I have aside from my boobs each weighing about 5 pounds each, is constipation. It had been 3 days since I’d been able to go. Yesterday, a painful mass exodus occurred in my colon. It was like that scene in Fiddler at the end, where they’re all singing “Anatevka”. In a game of “let’s terrify the 5 week pregnant Infertile”, I wiped afterwards, and a huge bright red blood stain appeared on the toilet paper, as well as a puddle of blood in the toilet. After an audible gasp, and some frantic “ass or vag” tests with more toilet paper, I realized that this blood was definitely a nasty hemorrhoid, not a miscarriage. Now I am terrified to poo, which is always great for constipation. I’m applying castor oil to the region, hoping it will reduce the inflamation and make me less scared to go.
And that, my friends, is the story of Thanksgiving.
I wish I had more exciting things to report. I’ve been feeling like a drip lately because I’ve been going to bed at 8 or 9PM every night, and sleeping a good 10-12 hours which is basically unheard of for me. My energy levels are definitely up and down lately. I tried going to the gym yesterday and was winded after 10 minutes of brisk walking on the treadmill. I’m trying not to overdo it, but as someone who loves running and physical activity, these are all new feelings for me.
Without an ultrasound confirming anything for another week or so, I’m sort of in this limbo state right now. However, I’m not regretting my decision to wait. Until then, I will continue to update you on bloody hemorroids and boobs that weigh about a ton each. We’re talking porn star boobs here, people. Holy shit!