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Best Friends Forever

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I met my friend K on the first day of 7th grade. She was tall, beautiful, and wore this great jean mini skirt that I was secretly jealous of. I knew instantly that I wanted to be her friend. There was something about the way we were together that just “clicked”. My out there sense of humor played well off of her more quiet one-liners. We had a crew of about 6 other girls who we’d eat lunch with, but there was never a question: she was my bestie. Our friendship got stronger throughout the years as we went through high school together, and even went to college in the same city.

She was married a few years before me, and got pregnant instantly with her first child. At that time, I was not even married yet, so I didn’t know the road I’d be facing in terms of TTC. I had an inking that it would not be as easy for me as it was for K, but I was happy for her nonetheless. She had a very uneventful pregnancy, and a beautiful baby girl.

K and her husband moved to London where they have been living the last couple of years. We try to catch up on Skype every now and then, and I see her as much as I can during her visits to LA. I have been open with her about my infertility, and she has tried to be as supportive as a fertile can be, but I admit, it’s been hard to talk to her about it sometimes. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through IF can truly comfort someone who is going through infertility…She has been talking to me recently about thinking about another child, but doesn’t want to “try” too soon because as soon as she does, she’ll be pregnant. She doesn’t mean to come off as insensitive, it’s just the plain facts–she gets pregnant on her first try.

Although I have only told a handful of people about this pregnancy, K was the one friend I wanted to let know early. I called her on Skype this morning,  and we caught up a bit. She told me she was feeling a bit under the weather, and looked exhausted. “But enough about me,” she said. “How are you?”

“Well, I’m pregnant!”

“Oh my God!! That’s so exciting! I had a feeling that’s why you wanted to talk! How far along are you?”

“Only about 6 weeks…I know I’m still not out of the woods yet, but I knew I could tell you. ”

Her face sort of got a little worried for me. Almost like I had made a mistake in telling so early. Plus, she did her nervous laugh, which she always does when she’s uncomfortable.

“Well,” she said, “I guess since you told me, I’ll tell you–I’m 6 weeks pregnant too!”

Yep. Our due dates are within 5 days of one another.

I’m trying to be over the moon excited that me and my best friend of 20 years are both pregnant at EXACTLY the same time, but I feel a tidal wave of mixed emotions. Part of me feels hurt…Maybe it’s just the hormones typing right now, but if I hadn’t let her know I was pregnant, she never would have told me. And then I think, maybe I should be keeping my big mouth shut about all of this for a while. I’m the stupid one who keeps blabbing about this pregnancy to my mom, dad, sister, and now, my best friend. I’m still so so SO far from being out of the woods. K knows this, and she isn’t telling anyone. AND SHE’S A FERTILE!

As we talked about symptoms and stuff, I began to feel so far removed from her. She is not nervous at all. She’s tired, nauseous, and is going to have her first measuring ultrasound next week. She spoke about it as if she knew 100% there was going to be a healthy baby in there to greet her. There were no questions, no doubts. I told her about my pinching cervical symptoms, and she looked at me blankly and said she had never felt those, but “every pregnancy is so different.”  I want whatever SHE is having. All of those fucking fertile pregnancy symptoms that basically guarantee she’s going to have kid #2.

I’m crying right now. And the fucked up thing is, I’m glad I’m crying, because maybe that means my pregnancy hormones are still working. I am beyond excited that I may get to share this pregnancy with my best friend. And I’m also beyond terrified that it will be taken away from me, and I will have to watch as my fertile best friend gives birth on my due date. It would be too much for me to handle. Just…too damn much.

I wish I could have kept my fucking mouth shut. I wish I could just be elated that me and my best friend are pregnant together, right now, in this moment. Please, God, don’t take this pregnancy away from me.

About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

10 responses »

  1. I think all of your feelings are valid. No matter how close of friends you are with someone, if they haven’t gone through infertility it’s hard to relate to them — EVEN WHEN YOU ARE PG. and, honestly, it would actually piss me off that she was pg at the same time i was. B/c now you have this automatic parallel to your experience and, i dont know, it feels unfair that you can’t have this one thing all to yourself when you have worked so hard for it and she, it sounds like, just got pg like it’s no big deal. And i totally agree with you about being nervous and not being able to enjoy being pg like people who are fertile. My wife’s coworker is about a week or two ahead of me and she is making all of these plans and SHE HASN’T EVEN BEEN TO THE DOCTOR YET. i’m still tiptoeing around pg world hoping it doesnt all get taken away.

    anyways, hang in there and remember we are all on our own journey and your pg has nothing to do with her pg. hugs.

  2. Ugh, I had this same thing happen to me. With the first pregnancy I found out a friend of mine was due one week before me, I was devastated when I lost mine as I knew I would have to live through her giving birth so close to when I was due…and then she lost hers too…at 20 weeks….so fucking sad and I felt absolutely awful that I’d ever had any of the thoughts I’d had about the due dates as her loss was greater than mine. Then we both went on to get pregnant again 8 weeks after our losses and have both given birth to beautiful babies within 2 months of each other. I must admit with the 2nd pregnancy I had the same thoughts whenever I found out anyone was pregnant, like OMG I’m going to lose mine again and they’re going to have theirs and it’s going to suck! In the end it all worked out and I’m glad I had a few friends who had due dates so close to mine as it means our babies are now the same age. It’s hard though!!!! Try not to think about it as though you will lose yours and she will keep hers, you’d feel awful if in the end she ends up losing hers and you keep yours, which can totally happen!!! Hopefully all goes as planned for both of you and you’ll love having them so close in age =)

  3. Oh Sunny, first, big hug and sloppy kiss on the cheek. Two of my close friends became pregnant within one week of me when I was pregnant with Pip. Today they are both fat, happy and eagerly waiting to meet their baby. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for them, but the pain is still there, even though I’m pregnant again. I had the EXACT Same reaction when they told me they were also pregnant – so happy for them yet so sad and terrified for me. As “infertiles” we are hyper aware of the many many risks with pregnancy. We are also hyper aware of our symptoms. All my fertile friends have no clue what implantation pain is. They look at me like I’m crazy when I talk about it because they don’t furiously hunt for signs every. single. month. Hang in there and try to believe in this baby until you are given reason not to. For what it is worth, I have a good feeling about this and can’t wait to tell fellow infertiles about “My friend Sunny who is a Clomid crazy pill success story!” xoxo

  4. HUGS ❤

    Being friends with such fertile people can be maddening…

  5. She’s a show stealer. I know, not really. But I hate that feeling. And I hate that you now have added pressure to make sure this one sticks so that you don’t hate your BFF everyday of her easy perfect pregnancy. I think you will do it. YOu will make it and your kid will be cuter!

  6. *Hugs* Hang in there. 🙂

  7. I can relate. My best friend just told me she is pregnant… with her fourth. Her first pregnancy was twins. She has had all of these pregnancies in the nearly theee years for me to get pregnant twice, miscarry twice, and get pregnant again (currently 9 weeks). I truly am terrified I will miscarry now, all because I now know four other women who pregnant and who are due around the same time as me. I’m trying to be positive too, especially since I had a great first ultrasound. I am still paranoid as hell and super emotional. I definitely feel like you have valid reasons for being upset. It’s hard to know what to do in this situation too. I personally have distanced myself from my best friend (it sucks), just for the time being. She says she understands, but who knows.

    By the way, congrats on being pregnant!

  8. This is delicate ground to be on. It’s hard being infertile and sharing pregnancy dates/milestones with a fertile… I had it with a close friend of mine who was due 3 weeks after me. When I told her I was pregnant (around 13 weeks, I think) I thought I was finally in a good head space, after a normal NT scan, etc. When I found out we were “parallel” I went right back to that crazy lady land. It’s not easy. But you’ll make it through, and then it will be WONDERFUL!!

  9. Oh I know that feeling now. Even now a year after I lost my baby, I am still jealous of people who have a due date close to what mine was. I know I don’t own February 1st but some days it feels like it does. Hoping that all goes well and that you are your best friend can enjoy having babies so close in age to each other. Hugs.

  10. Pingback: 2013 « Cease And Decyst

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