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The Obligatory poo post

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I have read many a blogger’s poo posts since I’ve been an active participant in Bloggie World, which is why, on this fine 12/12/12 day, I have chosen to regale you with a couple poo stories of yore of my own. I’m not ashamed to admit my own poo foibles which have been, well, shitty the last few weeks. Get ready for some poo TMI! And complaints about poo!

To start with, there is a 24/7 sig alert going on in my colon right now, and it’s not pretty. I am backed up to high hell, and even when I do poo, it’s like there is a “shit ton” more that needs to exit my body, it’s just taking its sweet ass time.Β  I’m already prone to hemorrhoids, so this whole “pooing every three days” thing is irritating the hell out of them. I may start buying tampons for my ass hole. This morning, after not pooing for 3 days, I excitedly felt “the urge” and with a flourished bow at the bathroom entrance, closed the door to do my bidness. Not only was my poo like, 8 feet long, I still felt like there was more that wouldn’t come out! Not to mention, the python that exited my ass, once again, ripped me a new one and had me frantically checking to see if the blood was coming from ass or vag. My stomach still feels bloated and distended.

And the funny thing is, I would take this feeling every day if it means I get to hold my baby in my arms after all of this.

Since we’re on the subject of poo, I thought I would bring up this little blast from the past–my most embarrassing poo story ever! I was 17 years old, in my senior year of high school, and dating a guy who was a sophomore in college (God help me if I have a daughter…). He had invited me to his dorm room one night for some activities that did not involve knitting or Scrabble. Earlier in the day, before I headed out to THE COLLEGE (I was soooo mature) I had gone out with a few friends to Venice Beach to hang out and spend the day. For those who don’t know what Venice Beach is, it’s a place where very dirty hippies hang out, men rollerblade in cut off shorts, and food stands cannot be trusted (I’ll get to that in a moment). Venice is where the cool kids go when they are still too young to drink. I was not a cool kid, but liked to imagine myself as one, so there I was. On Venice Beach. Near a food stand called “Big Daddy’s”. My friends and I decided to chance it and order something for lunch. I chose probably the most “iffy” thing on the menu–a cheeseburger.

bigdaddys3

It came out, and something about it just smelled off, but I convinced myself it was the Cheeze Whiz they used on the burger, rather than real cheese. I took one bite, noticed (after I swallowed) that something still tasted “off”, and threw the rest of the burger away (not before taking the above picture). My friend and I even took a picture to commemorate the most awful meal ever, and you know, to prove we had eaten there, in case I died.) I’m the one on the left. Fashion sense? Not so much.

BigDaddys

So aaaanyway. It was time to pack up from Venice and head to a college dorm room for some underage shennanigans! When I got there, my stomach was gurgling a bit, but I ignored it. College Boy and I hung out for a bit, and then, let’s just say, things got a little saucy. Literally. He wanted to experiment with food stuff, and had chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and hand cuffs. (Again. God, I will be ever so grateful for EITHER a boy or a girl should I be so fortunate, but please…help me through the teenaged years if I have a daughter.)

I agreed to be handcuffed to the bed, and then have food stuff poured on me. It was in no way sexy, and I was pretty much laughing through it all. Until my stomach went from “gurgling” to full on “freak out” mode. It happened pretty quickly…I experienced stomach pains that felt as though someone was simultaneously ripping my intestines out, and wringing them at the same time. Embarrassed, and still thinking it would all just go away, I didn’t tell College Boy to stop making out with me, and unlock me from my handcuffs.

No, I made the biggest poo blunder you can make when you are about to have the worst case of food poisoning in your life. I waited until it was too late. As soon as the words, “Oh my God, you need to uncuff me right now” left my lips, my poisoned intestines emptied. I shit on his bed. On myself. On him. To make matters worse, he couldn’t find the key right away, and fumbled with the lock.

Most embarrassing moment of my entire life.

I spent the rest of the night crying and locked in the bathroom throwing up and shitting everywhere. He was not amused or very sympathetic, and the whole thing goes down in history as the worst experience with a boy I’ve ever had. Fortunately for him, I had realllly low self esteem, and I continued to see him afterwards, even though he was a total dick to me during the whole food poisoning experience. He’s now an orthodontist.

So there you go! Two amazing poo stories for the price of one!

I’m glad I wrote this entry. It is distracting me from the fact that I am obsessively symptom spotting and praying for reassuring nausea every day.

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

24 responses »

  1. WHAT THE. SUNNY. I JUST DIED. DIED!!!!!!!

    That is by far, at the tippity toppity of the list, the WORST poo story I have ever heard in my life. OH. MY. GAWD. You win. You just….. win.

    Reply
  2. Oh. Dear. God. Sunny, this is the most hilarious story I have read in a LONG LONG time! I have no other words…

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  3. Yes. Definitely the worst poo story ever. Wow.

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  4. OMG…I just about fell out of my chair when I read this!! So bad but so funny! Hands down this is the worst poo story!!

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  5. Wow Sunny, 17 magazine has NOTHING on that story. Thank you for sharing it with us πŸ™‚ I was laughing but also felt mortified all at the same time.
    I know you feel blah right now, and progesterone slows down everything, but fill’er up on fiber gal! or perhaps stool softeners? good luck!

    Reply
  6. SUNNY! You totally win the award for the best (worst?) poo story every told!

    How did you even get the balls to face him again after that? I would have ran away and never looked back!

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  7. Now that is an awesome story. Thank you for sharing.

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  8. O.M.G. Funniest/worst poo story I have ever heard IN MY LIFE (and this coming from someone who married into a family that frequently discusses food at the dinner table). I’m so sorry you had that experience but SO GLAD you shared it because it is Amazing. Thank you ❀

    And now you are playing the PIF game: ass or vag! Yay!

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  9. Oh my God, hilarious!! Poor you, but absofrigginglutely hilarious!

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  10. the story about you in college – BEST STORY EVER. thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. I have been to Venice Beach and your description is spot-on!

    For current poo issues word to the wise: start drinking prune juice (mixed with cranberry or some other juice), take 3 Colace a day, eat fiber bread and cereal and (this is a big one!) try to avoid dairy. My poo issues have been up and down but mostly good and i stick to this formula like gold. Any time i deviate – poo python!

    GL πŸ™‚

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    • Oh, make no mistakes, I was in high school at the time. The “older” boy I was dating was the one in college πŸ™‚ So glad you enjoyed my poo story!!

      Reply
  11. AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(breathe)HAHAHAHAHA… that is even funnier than a monkey in IKEA. The line at the end about him being an orthodontist just killed me, I am seriously wiping tears from my eyes. Best. Poo. Story. Ever.

    Um, are you wearing a dress over your pants in that photo?

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  12. This is absolutely laugh out loud funny. I had to share with my mother who was in the room with me. I can’t wait to tell my husband. Hysterical – yet so awful. And I can relate to the other poop problems, as I feel like it’s a constant thing with me. Do you take anything? I need a magic pill.

    Reply
  13. BEST FUCKING STORY EVER! I’m not sure that I’ve ever posted but I’ve lurked for quite some time. And I love you. Seriously. And this only adds to that. (Sorry that I’m clearly a scary creeper). I’ve got an embarrassing college poop story myself, but i’d NEVER tell.

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  14. This story is un-lurking me, too. That is an awesomely mortifying story. I thought I had an embarrassing high school girl/much older guy story, but you win. I merely fainted after spending too long in the hot tub. Um, naked fainted. Yeah. Thanks for this. I totally needed something to make me laugh today.

    Reply
  15. HOLY. SHIT. That story tops them all!!!! I am actually re-evaluating and de-classifying my own “embarrassing” moments, because they don’t deserve to be in the same LEAGUE as this one. WOW!

    Reply
  16. Oh yeah you WIN. Wow. I am feeling embarrassed just sitting here in my clean pants. Awful.

    I’m sorry you have the opposite problem now. I was also extremely constipated for several weeks and still continue to have issues once and a while. Prune Juice and high fiber cereal seem to do the trick for me. I hope you get some relief soon.

    Reply
  17. My favorite post of the month, without question. I needed that so much. Thank you. Braaahhhaaahh, I am still laughing…….. still laughing….. yup still giggling. You poor poor thing, wowsa.

    Reply
  18. I’m just reading this, several months later. Love your blog! Love poo stories!!

    Reply

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