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Diving In

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Monday’s 9 week ultrasound marked a big turning point mentally for me in this pregnancy. After nearly 2 weeks of putting myself through constant worrying that Bagel had somehow vanished from my uterus, or was without a heartbeat, and the 5 seconds of holy terror I had in the ultrasound stirrups as the nurse searched for Bagel, everything seemed to melt away when we found him, and I saw how much he had grown, and how strong his little heart beat is now. Suddenly, the two weeks between ultrasounds that I spent fretting that I have had virtually no nausea, diminished boob soreness, and am feeling pretty damn good, felt like a total waste of those precious weeks of pregnancy.

After sharing another celebratory bagel with cream cheese with Hubs after it all, something clicked: I can either remain terrified of this pregnancy 24/7, or I can dive in.

Every summer since Hubs and I have been together, we have gone to a place in New Hampshire called “World Fellowship” with his family. This is a place where Hubs went as a kid, and is sort of like a liberal “summer camp” for adults and families. It was founded during the 50s, and was a place that people traveled to discuss social change pre-internet. We don’t really engage in a lot of the social/political seminars they still host there, but mainly use the camp as a place to decompress and relax. One of my favorite parts of the camp is Whitton Pond–a pristine pond untouched by speed boats, tucked away down a half mile trail from the main camp. The lake has two docks that you can swim out to, and the whole place is the embodiment of peace.


Every year, I am reluctant to go to the pond, simply because I think about the intense discomfort I feel before diving in. It starts out with my toes.

Me: FUCK! It’s fucking freezing.

Hubs (already happily swimming away): No it’s not. Just dive in.

Me: I’m not going in.

Hubs: Yes you are. Quit bitching.

I inch my way up to my belly button.

Me: Hiiiiieeeeeeowww. Fuck.

And then, finally, I’ve had enough of this shit. I take a deep breath, and I dive in. And once I’m in, it’s not cold anymore–the water is actually quite warm and pleasant.

In case you don’t respond to analogies that hit you over the head like a mallet, swimming the pond is like my pregnancy. And on Monday, I realized I was tired of wincing, cursing, and freezing my ass off while Hubs was out in the middle of the lake doing the frog stroke. It’s time to dive in now and enjoy myself, whether this pregnancy lasts another week, or until next July. I want to savor my pregnancy. I told HR at work yesterday, and this weekend, I am going to buy me some pants that fit (I am currently bringing new meaning to the word muffin top).

Oh–and I’m getting a job offer. I got the job!!!!! I’m going to tell them I’m pregnant after the final offer comes in…but guess what. They can fucking deal with it.

It’s big girl panties time, party people! (literally and figuratively at this point.)


About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

18 responses »

  1. Wow, lots of good news! Congrats!

  2. What a lovely metaphor. I love metaphors! I hope your “swim” is totally warm and enjoyable! And congratulations on the job!

  3. YAYYYY!!! Omg I can’t believe you got the job after all that weirdness at the last interview. Just goes to show, it ain’t over til it’s over. And I think you’re taking the right approach to this pregnancy — if anything bad were to happen, it would suck balls regardless of how guarded you were about it. Better to just embrace it all and stay positive and live in the now… you can always deal with the bad stuff if it happens, but it probably won’t. 🙂

  4. Yay! Time to embrace pregnancy!!!

  5. love it! i am so right there with you. Diving in is hard but i would also rather dive in and enjoy it then spend all my time on the shore wincing and regretting. big girl panties rock!

  6. Yay job!!!!

    And, dive in! Enjoy it as much as possible, and don’t worry if it’s not so enjoyable sometimes haha.

  7. Could not agree more… Enjoy every minute. And congrats on the job.

  8. Yay for big girl panties! You are pregnant. This is it. I can feeeeeeel it.

    And I also like to believe that forcing you to watch horribly scary movies and tell you that children lead to hauntings somehow took part in knocking you up. Do not correct me. 😉

  9. Congrats on the offer! Good news! Since becoming pregnant, I’ve had some interviews, too. I’m really hesitant about accepting an offer because I won’t qualify for leave. Do you plan on including maternity leave in the final negotiations, or are you just going to trust that they will allow you to take some unpaid time off? This has been a huge sticking point for me with this flurry of interviews, as of late. I would love to hear your plans if you are willing to share.

    • This brings up an interesting point….the company I would be with is a fortune 500 with amazing insurance but I never knew there was a qualification period for maternity leave except the obligatory 30 days I have to wait after being hired in order to get on their insurance plan. Before I accept the offer I will need to clarify this of course. California has pretty strict policies on maternity leave and I’m not sure if it varies from state to state. I will update when I tell them!

      • Update: I checked their insurance plan information, and as long as I’m on the plan (which I believe will be 30 days after starting), the company pays full salary for 8 weeks of maternity leave. Then, I believe I’m eligible for some sort of California disability insurance that covers some pay for another month, should I want to take it. I’m curious–how can a job deny you maternity leave if you’re on their insurance plan? It seems discriminatory to me…

      • I know that FMLA and CFRA have the same 12 month/1,250 hour rule. I would hope a large company would allow for such things when not mandated to do so by the state and/or federal government. Good luck.

  10. Congrats on the job! Good things are happening. All good things.

  11. First of all, congratulations on the job offer!!! That’s wonderful!!

    Secondly, I am SO glad that you are jumping into the pond! It’s not easy – that pregancy after infertility deal – but it’s so much more enjoyable if you can let your guard down just a little. And, there may still be cold spots, moments that make you shiver, but you’ll get through those, too, and be grateful you went for the swim. 😉

  12. Congratulations on the job! Yeah, they can just deal with the pregnancy. I think it was good that you didn’t tell them- it’s all too easy for employers to discriminate, when sometimes you really just can’t help the timing…. especially with fertility treatments.

    • I actually did tell them, as soon as the offer came in. They were 100% supportive and even excited for me! I didn’t want to announce it months after I started working there, as it seemed kind of shady…plus I’ll be showing in a month or so anyway. I feel lucky to be working for this company.

  13. Pingback: 2013 « Cease And Decyst

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