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Monthly Archives: January 2013

Praying to the porcelean poo gods and doulas

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As much as I’ve read horror stories about constipation and pregnancy, I have to admit, I kind of rolled my eyes whenever I read a poo horror story. My brain convo would go something like: “Yeah…I’m sure it can’t be that bad…what a sissy…she should just eat more prunes, drink more water, take a Coalace, learn to eat fiber…etc, etc, etc” Friends, I am here to tell you that pregnancy and constipation is NO JOKE. Would I trade ass-rippery for not being pregnant right now? Hell no. But it is becoming increasingly difficult to stand the pain. My poos the last two weeks have fallen somewhere in the category of: “Ass hemorrhoid being split open like an angry picnic chef might do to a watermelon in summer” to “muffling my screams in a towel like a 16 year old giving birth in a prom bathroom stall so as not to wake my husband.” When I feel the urge to poo, I have found myself repeating the phrase, “Please God, please God, please…” which is my frantic mantra to attempt to deal with the trauma that awaits me. If I wait too many days to poo, it gets unbearable, so I have been resorting to drinking about an inch worth of caffienated coffee on Day 3 of no poo which immediately moves the shards of glass down my colon enough to shit out.

If this sounds disgusting…it is. My bathroom sounds are not pretty.

I did a caffienated “force poo” this morning in order to avoid a terrifying poo tomorrow morning, as it is my first day at my new job tomorrow, and I’m more nervous than the day I started 7th grade. The last thing I need to start the day is a bleeding asshole, or worse yet, a prom poo in the new work bathroom.

I got a lot done this week off, but not nearly enough…I had thought I would be in the clear with fatigue but extreme tiredness hit me the last few days the likes I have never experienced in this pregnancy. I would wake up with a dull headache and feel hung over, although I’d already been in bed for 12 hours. Yesterday I had a surge of productive energy, but it’s been hit or miss.

The one big thing I was able to do this vacation was interview 5 doulas. In my hopes of going au natural as far as possible, Hubs and I have agreed that a doula may be the best way to help us through this. To be completely candid, Hubs and I did not initially agree on this approach, and he felt like it was a waste of money to hire someone to do a job that the hospital nurses and my Ob could handle. I completely disagreed, and an extended unresolved tiff emerged over the last couple of weeks about it. I know this sounds horrible, but I simply do not trust the L&D nurses at the hospital to handle my labor in my best interest. Our Ob would only be there for about 10 minutes of pushing, and depending on the time of day, may stop in a few times to check on me, but he would in no way be a coach. I have heard too many horror stories about women who feel rushed to speed up their labor because they’re taking up bed space, and the worst was a nursing message board I went on where a bunch of L&D nurses were bitching about patients who refused pitocin and “sat around” taking up valuable bed space with slow labor. One of the nurses even used the phrase, “Treat ’em and street ’em.” as the mantra that is used at their hospital. The last thing I want to worry about is fighting for my basic human right to birth on my clock while I’m in the middle of labor, and neither Hubs or I have the experience or knowledge of medical terminology to advocate effectively. SO, long story short, we have resolved our disagreement, and have agreed to hire a doula to help me last as long as I can at home before heading to the hospital where she can deal with the medical jargon/birth plans while Hubs and I focus on Bagel.

Interviewing doulas was a really great experience–I would highly recommend doing multiple interviews. It’s amazing what you can glean from people even over the phone. There were a couple who just didn’t “get” me or my sense of humor. The conversation felt stilted, and I ended the call with the feeling that I would have a more interesting birthing experience if a sloth helped coach me through. I guess for me, I don’t respond well to slow and gentle. I tended to gravitate towards more of the high energy, talkative doulas. I’m a generally quiet person by nature, so I sometimes need high energy to kick me into gear.

The bad news? I live in LA–the land where doulas and doula work are aplenty. This jacks up the price of a doula to WELL over what I hear other states rates are. None (I repeat, NONE) of the doulas I interviewed charged less than $1500, regardless of experience level. This includes 2-3 home visits before birth, attending the labor basically whenever I need her to come to our house, and then driving to the hospital for the birth, staying with us at the hospital for about 3 hours after the birth to help with breastfeeding, and then a home visit a week after the birth. It’s a lot of time spent, and I guess it’s worth it, but I’ve heard that other state rates are around $500-$800. The good news? I discovered that doula services are almost always negotiable. NEVER take a doula price at face value, whatever state you live in. I was able to talk every one of them down to $1,000, which seemed a bit more manageable for us.

My favorite doula had only been practicing about 3 years, but had a really great energy that I responded to. She is completing a 3 year program to become a midwife, and has attended over 100 births, so I feel confident that she would be a good fit. She also said that none of her births in the last 2 years have had the mom at the hospital earlier than 6-7cm dilated which is exactly where I want to aim (you can technically be checked into labor and delivery at 4cm, but it’s good to hold out longer if you’re aiming for a natural birth.) Next step would be to meet her and one other top pick (the other one had 20 years experience, but I didn’t respond to her energy as well…)

Other than that, Bagel is still cute as can be! We are still awaiting official result from our 12 week scan, but the doc seemed confident that Bagel was looking great. His/her nuchal fold measured between 1.1-1.5mm at different angles which I’ve heard is a good number.  I uploaded a couple more pics to Bagel’s page.

So much to do in a week

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Sorry for being MIA–I was in the midst of quitting my job, packing up, and getting all of my files in order in a week (!!!) When I quit on Monday, I let my boss know that I would like Friday (yesterday) to be my last day, but I was open to staying through next week as well if she really needed me to–I just didn’t want to. Fuck the obligatory 2 weeks notice. I wanted out. This may sound like I was not being a “team player”, but the truth is, I have bent over backwards in so many ways for my boss over the years I’ve been there, the last thing I wanted to do was work for her until the very day I had to up and start a brand new job on the 21st. Truth is, I was mentally checked out of my job for months before I quit, and it’s not the type of job that I have to hire and train a replacement, so really all I had to do was get all of my files together to hand off. She agreed to let Friday be my last day, and continued to be effusive about how much she’d miss me (really? Is that why you hired someone above me without even giving me the opportunity to go after the job?) I think what she will really miss is someone who did all of her Powerpoints for her. Note to self: I will NOT be a pushover in my next job.

Giving one week notice was the BEST DECISION EVER.

I walked out of the office yesterday feeling like the “Andy Dufrene crawled through 3 miles of shit” Shawshank Redemption scene. If you haven’t seen that movie, it’s on about 76 times a day on basic cable. Watch it. Learn it. Love it.

So what’s a girl to do with a full week off before she starts a kick ass new job? For starters, I plan to exercise at least 5 or 6 of these days. I ordered the obligatory Summer Saunders pregnancy workout DVD. I looked at my ass in the mirror the other day, and realized that it had turned into some sort of pasty white Bisquik pancake in the 12 weeks I’ve been pregnant. From what I hear, the perky Summer has an ass workout that will make me cry butt tears of pain and joy. I like this thought. I also bought a prenatal yoga DVD thanks to Seagull’s recommendation. Somehow, a nerve in my back has been pinched the past  or 4 weeks which has caused an occasional shooting pain to radiate down my right back side and butt cheek as well. I’m hoping the yoga will help with this.

Second up: I’m going to make some of the FABULOUS recipes I’ve been seeing you all post on your blogs. You all make me yearn to be more of a happy homemaker. Can you all do me a favor and keep positing these recipes? 🙂

In the mix will also be a haircut, dental appointment (which I’m going to RELISH because I can finally tell my “father of four dress my kids identically for family photos which I plaster all over my office” dentist that I can’t have X Rays this time because I’m pregnant, beeyotch!), and a hunt for cute clothes that will hide my growing belly for at least a couple more months so I don’t freak my new job out too bad. They know I’m pregnant, but I don’t want to over emphasize it the first couple of months there, as I already feel slightly guilty I will be going on mat leave in July.

Aside from that, we had our big 12 week scan on Thursday. I saw Bagel freakin MOVE for the first time. Hubs stared at the big monitor and said to the doctor, “Are you making it move, or is it moving by itself?” Oh, it’s moving by itself, Husband! So much so that the doctor had to jostle and shake my belly to get Bagel to cooperate for the camera. Gosh darnit it was cute, though. Bagel kept looking like he/she was all cozy and then would get jostled by the doctor, and at one point, Bagel turned the exact opposite way, and lay on his side with his back/butt facing the screen in a fetal “fuck you, let me sleep for another few minutes!” pose. I love Bagel. I will say, the doc did attempt to do a between the legs butt shot porno camera angle on Bagel to see if Bagel is a He-Bagel or or a She Bagel…Bagel was not into his/her porno shoot, and of course wiggled a lot, so it was very hard to see anything,. HOWEVER doc said she saw caught a very quick glimpse of a marker that, if she were a betting woman, would put very favorable odds on one gender or the other. I will save her prediction for our 20 week scan when it will be revealed definitively…but let’s just say…we have a pretty good inkling about the Bits of Bagel!


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Happy 2013!! After a good week off from blogging, computers, and typing in general, I am back and ready for the 2013 attack.

2013 started off with me feeling like a complete asshole for this blog entry. I just received an email from my best friend telling me she had lost the baby two weeks ago (I think she was around 10 weeks along), and that they were very sad, but trying to push through. They had seen the baby at 8 weeks, and then 2 weeks later, she started bleeding. She let me know that she didn’t want this to dampen my excitement about  my pregnancy in any way, and that she still wants to hear all about my updates… I was devastated for her, and pissed at myself for being so self absorbed that I assumed my friend would be immune to miscarriage. It has changed the way I view the way I take things in, and what I put out into this world. I don’t want to be that bitter person who thinks that I’m the only person the world deals shit to.

Things here continue to progress at a snail’s pace. On the job front, my offer is still pending until I have my background check complete (let’s hope they don’t uncover my dark history of stealing a bunch of Goldfish crackers from my after school day care when I was 8), and with all of the holiday closures, it’s taking for freaking ever to get final paperwork from them. I just want things to be official already so I can quit my current job and move on.

I am also inching ever slowly to the 12 week mark with this pregnancy. This Sunday, I will be 12 weeks exactly, which is big. Reeeeeeally big for me and Hubs mentally. We told our families over Christmas, and I had a mini freak out after we did it because I thought we would jinx ourselves for telling too early (how quickly I forgot my “relax and dive in” post from a couple of weeks ago.) The exuberance my family displayed was worth it though. We had one confused grandparent who still didn’t know what she was looking at after examining the ultrasound picture for 2 minutes, and who also asked me afterwards if the doctor had instructed me on how much weight I could gain during the pregnancy. “Only 12 pounds, and I can always use diet pills if I’m gaining too quickly, right grandma?” I almost quipped that I’ll make sure to have the doc turn up my laughing gas during delivery, and make sure Hubs smokes some cigars in the hospital waiting room while I’m delivering.  Oy. A lot has changed since the 50s.

This Monday, we had my first appointment with my OB who was thrilled for us. He didn’t do an ultrasound, but instead said that he would use the dopler. I told him to prepare to give me an ultrasound if we could not locate the heartbeat, because you bet your ass I was not leaving the office on New Year’s Eve without confirmation on that.  After 2 EXCRUCIATINGLY painful minutes, and me hyperventilating on the table, he found Bagel’s heartbeat nestled deep into the right side of my uterus. Bagel, please don’t terrify me like that anymore. Heartbeat was in the 170s, so looking on track for his age! We have our NT scan next Thursday–anyone know how long those take, and whether or not the doc can give you answers right there in the room?

I bought my first official pair of maternity pants over the break–I can no longer fit into regular jeans anymore. My excitement to finally see a little belly was quickly tampered with the absolutely ASININE prices at Pea in the Pod. $215 for JEANS?????? Sorry, but fuck you. I’m beginning to realize that the baby industry is much like the wedding industry. Put “maternity” or “wedding” in front of anything, and the prices jack up 100%. Anyone know of any good places on line I can get maternity clothes cheap? I am the least crafty person around, so I will not be sewing my own belly panels on my jeans.

Hubs and I have been having a little conundrum about Metformin. I have continued taking it through the 1st trimester, per my RE’s instructions, and I’ve heard conflicting views as to whether or not to stay on it the whole pregnancy. My gut says to stop, but I don’t want to throw my system out of whack. Anyone been through a pregnancy all the way on Met? I don’t really like being on medication, so I’d like to stop, but obviously, I don’t want to hurt the baby in any way. I have tested as mildly insulin resistant, but nothing close to diabetic. I want to do everything humanly possible to keep Bagel safe, and while I haven’t found a ton of info that Met is extremely harmful to the baby, there are little articles that pop up here and there on neural tube defects and Met–but there really haven’t been many conclusive studies on anything.

And it looks like I’ve run out of brain dump for today…wish I could have as good a real dump (constipation be damned!)