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Monthly Archives: March 2013

22 weeks: Growing a bigger Bagel, and designing a room!

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Something has happened over the last couple of weeks that has me slightly nervous…not ungrateful…just…well….let’s just say I’m looking at my naked body in the mirror a lot lately and squinting and saying: “Hmmmm. This definitely looks….different”. Admittedly, I had a few moments of guilty hyperventilation as I squeezed my newly formed back and ass fat.  I know I’m supposed to be grateful for it all…so it’s hard when the negative thoughts about my body come up. My underwear has stopped fitting.  Who cares. I’ll buy bigger underwear, right?  But…well…it’s just taking some getting used to. In 4 weeks, I have probably gained 5 or 6 pounds. I believe I’m up a total of 14 pounds since Day 1. There are large padded areas on my butt and thighs that didn’t used to be there. I’m doing my best to embrace the inevitable weight gain, but it’s odd to see it coming on and not be able to do anything about it. It’s been quite a mental shift for me, as I’m used to being athletic and being strict about my calorie intake if I want to loose weight. I had to look in the mirror this morning and shrug and just say…fuck it. Bagel is growing strong, and my body is nourishing her right now.  If nature wants my ass to grow in order for Bagel to grow…so be it. I am still continuing to eat my nightly bowl of ice cream.

Ice cream? Or a sweet Bagel girl? Maybe a little bit of both…

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Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been allowing myself to get really really excited about this pregnancy. Hubs has been working with a closet guy to get the closest in the nursery re-done (the “nursery” was formerly a cluttered storage type room that always seemed to remain in limbo as we went through the TTC process. The closet in there was absolute shit.). I’m finally putting my registry together, and I’ve been making decisions on nursery decorating, which is big for me, considering my design prowess usually falls somewhere between Target sale and maybe Macy’s home store. Aside from just simply not being that artistic from a design sense, I have a really big problem when it comes to decision making– especially when there are seemingly infinite possibilities. An empty room can be as scary as a blank page when you’re trying to fill it with something meaningful. The internet is both a blessing and a curse in this regard. There are INFINITE baby sites on the interwebs, which means I have gone into design overload.  I’m also a stickler for good deals, so I have spent HOURS scouring Craig’s List, glider deals, baby bedding sites, and my most current time suck, Etsy.

After hours (and I mean…hours….) of research on where to find bedding at the best price, I found Baby Bedding Zone. They have a huge variety of bedding sets, and their prices were the best (better than Amazon or Overstock in most cases). Overstock has also had some good choices for bedding. My mom is being extremely generous and buy us our crib, mattress, and changing table. I’m getting mine from a site called Cymax. Out of every place I scoured for cribs, this one had the best deals. For about $600 I’m getting a crib, bed converters, a changing table, and a mattress. I probably won’t use the mattress, as I’m going phthalate free and getting this one, but it’s still an awesome deal compared to some of the sites I’ve seen. They have a wide variety of cribs at different prices as well.

Because I would consider myself highly mediocre in the decorating department, I am usually content with basic furniture and minimal design in my house, but for some reason, I have felt the urge to go all out on  making the baby room special. I want to make it unique with original art, an interesting bedding set, and a freaking fabulous glider.  I have found two bedding sets that I love and have ordered both (I will send one back) They are quite different color schemes, so I have had a lot to think about in terms of wall decorations and such.  The search for original art to hang in the room has led me to Etsy. Please do yourself a favor and do not go on Etsy unless you have about 2-3 hours at a time to loose yourself in it. This website is magical!!! I have found so many original pieces and gorgeous wall decals on there. Once I decide on the bedding, I will order some original prints that tie in to the theme (many of the original prints on Etsy range from $40-$60).

Lastly, I finally decided on a glider. There are about 5,678 to choose from, and I have researched about 5,457 of them. Ultimately, I’ve gone with a Dutailier, which is on the more expensive end of things, but from what I hear, they’re worth it. I probably could have gone with a cheaper glider, but I really wanted to make comfort a priority, and some of the other ones seemed hit or miss based on the reviews. What I also didn’t know about gliders is that there are about 156 different types of gliders per brand…so with that in mind, I picked THIS ONE off a site called Hayneedle.com. Hayneedle is hit or miss with prices, but I have not found a better deal on this glider anywhere else.

My goal is to give Bagel a cozy, colorful little nest when she gets here. I will post pics as I start putting everything together!

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20 Week Anatomy scan. The results are in…

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I will begin by saying that Bagel is healthy, happy, and was napping on my placenta all throughout our 20 week ultrasound, making it very easy for doc to get the measurements he needed. (Can you please be as cooperative during infancy, Bagel?) Doc was shaking Bagel a bit to try and position him/her for a 3D headshot, but Bagel basically refused to be woken from the cat nap and all we were able to get was half an (adorable) profile poking up from my placenta. Bagel, as it turns out from the pic, inherited every last living feature of her father’s from what I can tell. Obviously, Bagel shares half my genes, but  definitely has Dad’s mouth and cheek bones, and basically looks like his sleeping clone. I’ve added another pic in Bagel’s section.

There is one slight crook in the plan right now, and that is my placenta. It turns out I have a low lying placenta–right side anterior AND posterior…So…sort of folded around both front and back of my uterus? WTH? The doc said that there wasn’t any blood vessel in the middle (which he said was a good thing, but honestly, I didn’t think to ask what he meant by that, and now I can’t find any info on it.) He also said that it’s close to, but not partially or fully over my cervix, and there’s a 95% chance that it will move up on its own. I’m going back in at 34 weeks to make sure it’s moved up on its own, but it did plant a bit of a worry in my head. Anything close to the cervix around 34 weeks and I may need to go in for a big C. Anyone else have a low lying placenta?

And now…for the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

Is the Bagel we have all come to know a He Bagel? Or a She Bagel?

And the answer is….

A SHE BAGEL!!!

We are thrilled (and also majorly terrified when I reminisce about my teenage years…) to have a daughter. I will ruminate on this in a separate post, but mainly, Hubs and I are over the moon that she is healthy.

Keeping PCOS locked in the basement

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20 weeks, 2 days pregnant. This time is flying by, and I want to grab this pregnancy, savor it, hang on to it for a while. I have to make a conscious effort to be present, lest I start to worry about how the heck we’re going to handle an infant…or what shape my body will be in after birth…or when my “BFF” PCOS will rear its ugly head again after the pregnancy hormones are washed clean from my system. I am sure that this is a cock-a-mammy theory (did I really just use that word?) but part of me thinks that the reason I feel so good during pregnancy is that all of the new hormones coursing through my body are bitch slapping the shit out of my high testosterone levels bestowed on me by the lovely PCOS. With the pregnancy, I feel amazing on high estrogen, HCG, and progesterone. I wish I could bottle up whatever hormone cocktail is coursing through my veins right now and save it for the day my ovaries start malfunctioning again.

I was sitting in bed yesterday morning, and Bagel started kicking something fierce.  I pulled up my shirt, and saw one spot right to the right of my belly button push out and then back rhythmically 3 times. 3 whole times!!! I said, “Hi little Bagel…I see you!” And then I cried. (I’ve been crying at joyful things lately, which is not typical for me,  but makes me feel strangely feminine.) The further I go into my pregnancy, the more I realize what a mind fuck PCOS has been for me my entire adult life. Anovulation is one of the most de-feminizing things I’ve experience. There’s a part of me who has slowly inched her way out of the closet during this pregnancy, and found a voice that says,  I AM feminine. I AM a real woman. This is the part of me that doesn’t want this pregnancy to end because I fear she will be shut back inside and locked up by PCOS again. There are times I still feel like a fraud with a big pregnant belly. I wish I could find a way to tell the world how grateful I am to have it–that I don’t take a single day of this pregnancy for granted.  I think there’s a part of me that always feels like a fraud because my body does not naturally release eggs, yet somehow, my body has become visibly symbolic of “fertility”.

BUT. Back to the present (must keep present!!) Try as I might, I can’t slow down the days, and lengthen the weekends so I can enjoy this all just a little bit longer. It’s been hard during the work week to pause and remember that Bagel is here, and this is real. Until I feel a kick. And that feeling is pretty damn amazing.  And makes me cry.

If you told me 21 weeks ago that I would be 20 weeks pregnant right now, I would have laughed at you, choked down some more of my Green Drink, and “hidden” a few more of my pregnant friends off my Facebook feed.

And speaking of Facebook…I still haven’t outed myself there yet. Part of my plan was to wait until after our 20 week anatomy scan (this Friday), and then come clean. But the truth is, I get very uncomfortable every time I think about announcing my pregnancy on Facebook. I still don’t know if I will. One status post doesn’t feel like enough to explain the gratitude and relief we feel to have Bagel. Nor does one status update feel like enough to acknowledge the anxiety we felt leading up to this point, or the fact that I can’t stand the thought of hurting someone struggling with IF who catches my posts. So…I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels strange not announcing it…and part of me feels like those who are closest to me already know, and those who aren’t close to me don’t need to know. At least not right now. And then part of me thinks that there are distant cousins and friends I haven’t spoken to in a while who might appreciate the early news.

So…I’ll wait and see how it feels. And I’ll probably spend 3 hours crafting a status update if I do decide to announce on Facebook.

For now, I’m going to savor some more of Bagel’s kicks, and triple lock the basement where PCOS sulks.