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Keeping PCOS locked in the basement

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20 weeks, 2 days pregnant. This time is flying by, and I want to grab this pregnancy, savor it, hang on to it for a while. I have to make a conscious effort to be present, lest I start to worry about how the heck we’re going to handle an infant…or what shape my body will be in after birth…or when my “BFF” PCOS will rear its ugly head again after the pregnancy hormones are washed clean from my system. I am sure that this is a cock-a-mammy theory (did I really just use that word?) but part of me thinks that the reason I feel so good during pregnancy is that all of the new hormones coursing through my body are bitch slapping the shit out of my high testosterone levels bestowed on me by the lovely PCOS. With the pregnancy, I feel amazing on high estrogen, HCG, and progesterone. I wish I could bottle up whatever hormone cocktail is coursing through my veins right now and save it for the day my ovaries start malfunctioning again.

I was sitting in bed yesterday morning, and Bagel started kicking something fierce.  I pulled up my shirt, and saw one spot right to the right of my belly button push out and then back rhythmically 3 times. 3 whole times!!! I said, “Hi little Bagel…I see you!” And then I cried. (I’ve been crying at joyful things lately, which is not typical for me,  but makes me feel strangely feminine.) The further I go into my pregnancy, the more I realize what a mind fuck PCOS has been for me my entire adult life. Anovulation is one of the most de-feminizing things I’ve experience. There’s a part of me who has slowly inched her way out of the closet during this pregnancy, and found a voice that says,  I AM feminine. I AM a real woman. This is the part of me that doesn’t want this pregnancy to end because I fear she will be shut back inside and locked up by PCOS again. There are times I still feel like a fraud with a big pregnant belly. I wish I could find a way to tell the world how grateful I am to have it–that I don’t take a single day of this pregnancy for granted.  I think there’s a part of me that always feels like a fraud because my body does not naturally release eggs, yet somehow, my body has become visibly symbolic of “fertility”.

BUT. Back to the present (must keep present!!) Try as I might, I can’t slow down the days, and lengthen the weekends so I can enjoy this all just a little bit longer. It’s been hard during the work week to pause and remember that Bagel is here, and this is real. Until I feel a kick. And that feeling is pretty damn amazing.  And makes me cry.

If you told me 21 weeks ago that I would be 20 weeks pregnant right now, I would have laughed at you, choked down some more of my Green Drink, and “hidden” a few more of my pregnant friends off my Facebook feed.

And speaking of Facebook…I still haven’t outed myself there yet. Part of my plan was to wait until after our 20 week anatomy scan (this Friday), and then come clean. But the truth is, I get very uncomfortable every time I think about announcing my pregnancy on Facebook. I still don’t know if I will. One status post doesn’t feel like enough to explain the gratitude and relief we feel to have Bagel. Nor does one status update feel like enough to acknowledge the anxiety we felt leading up to this point, or the fact that I can’t stand the thought of hurting someone struggling with IF who catches my posts. So…I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels strange not announcing it…and part of me feels like those who are closest to me already know, and those who aren’t close to me don’t need to know. At least not right now. And then part of me thinks that there are distant cousins and friends I haven’t spoken to in a while who might appreciate the early news.

So…I’ll wait and see how it feels. And I’ll probably spend 3 hours crafting a status update if I do decide to announce on Facebook.

For now, I’m going to savor some more of Bagel’s kicks, and triple lock the basement where PCOS sulks.

 

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

3 responses »

  1. Awww… so cool that you can see Bagel moving from the outside, now! It’s funny, I also think that I might want to make a maternity T-shirt that says, “This pregnancy was __ damn years in the making, thankyouverymuch” (and you can fill in however long it took to get preggo… or, erm, I guess go the esoteric route if that’s your thing). I just feel like that would really make the infertiles who happen to see me a bit reassured and prevent them from automatically hating me. The FB announcement… that’s another can of worms. I really think it would be awesome if you could find a way to hint at the fact that this wasn’t an accident and didn’t come easy without necessarily getting into the details of your being on Clomid and having PCOS?

    Reply
  2. Seeing the baby move at last is THE BEST BIT. Can totally relate to the unexpected tears. The feeling of being a fraud will subside… eventually. I say this at 39 weeks and still in disbelief, haha.

    Congrats on reaching the 20 week milestone anyway – and however you out it, if you out it, don’t be scared to keep hiding idiot friends who say stupid things or set people straight on how tough it has been. You might even find that some friends who you least expect will come out of the woodwork and divulge how hard it was for them too, something that was a lovely (sad, but lovely) outcome for us when we started telling people.

    As for being scared of coming out the other side and losing that feeling of femininity again, just remember that even if the PCOS does rear its ugly head again quickly you’ll have a pretty darn big something that you didn’t have before – a baby. You’ll be a mother. Pretty amazing stuff huh?

    Reply
  3. My babies are almost 6 months old and I haven’t had a period. Yay PCOS, “welcome” back.

    I agree I felt weird being a symbol of fertility when knowing my body won’t produce eggs on its own. I liked the feeling of being feminine too. But I kind of feel like my babies just appeared and being pregnant was a weird dream. I think maybe because of the c-section, and it all happened so fast (the babies arrived 5 hours after my water broke), it almost seems like someone handed me these babies and were like “here ya go!”

    I didn’t ever officially announce on FB. My mom posted a picture of all of us when I was 28 weeks pregnant and said “the 7 of us” when there were only five people in the picture. Soo she did the announcing. Especially because I am FB friends with someone who lost her twins at 22 weeks I didn’t want to announce my pregnancy (although I do post pictures of the babies, but that is my life now, so I am not avoiding it). I felt weird doing a big announcement. 28 weeks was a compromise, my mom wanted to announce it as soon as I told her (at 11 weeks). I didn’t want it on FB at all!

    Reply

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