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Monthly Archives: May 2013


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Happy Friday all you bloggers, lurkers, and random SPAM-ers! Aside from the fact that the work week is almost over, I am doubly excited about this weekend–my “me-kend”, as I’m calling it. The past 2 and a half weeks have been jammed with baby showers, an out of town mother in law one weekend, and an out of town father, stepmom, sister, BIL, and a 2 year old nephew last weekend. While all of this family love was pretty great, and I would never wish to NOT have them, I’m familied out for the time being (unless you count the trip to Costco I’m taking with my grandma on Sunday–there’s always time for that. Is it wrong that I’ve been completely obsessed with stocking up on the special trash bags they sell at Costco that NEVER break or leak??) Hubs is also going to be out of town this weekend, so guess who is left to her own devices? (and by “devices”, I may or may not mean the ordering of In N Out and watching Bridesmaids and/or Reality Bites.) The excitement in the air is palpable over here, people!

All In N Out references aside (oh, but trust me, there WILL be In N Out), I have this intense desire to get a lot accomplished this weekend. The baby room looks like a baby shower explosion went off, and I have to put shit away and finally get that room finished. We were given an extremely generous gift of a fancy shmancy Canon camera by my parents, and it’s my mission to learn how to turn it on this weekend (baby steps). I really want to start diving into photography more, and despite the fact that anything with more than 2 buttons terrifies me, I will be attempting to take at least one pic with the camera this weekend. Is it just me, or do the fancy shmancy digital camera screens also look like they could have come out of a scene from A Beautiful Mind? For those of you seasoned photographers out there…does it get better? What’s the best way to learn your fancy tricks? Did you, too, break out into a cold sweat the first time you tried to learn how to work a fancy camera?

In terms of Bagel updates, I had a check up last Friday, and ended up having an ultrasound because for some odd reason my fundal height was measuring 2 weeks behind. The doc explained that it could have been her positioning, but decided to check on her just to make sure. I hadn’t “seen” her since 20 weeks, so it was kind of nice to be able to check in and wave hello to her. She is growing right on track (weighing in at almost 3.75 lbs!), but will not likely be a big baby (to quote the doc). Probably will net out around 7 pounds, which is fine, but extremely perplexing as I have people coming up to me daily now saying, “Any day now, huh?”. Ummm….try 2 MONTHS from now! I will post pics after this weekend….but let’s just say, my stomach is very large and in charge. I have a hard time believing she is not 10 pounds already. The doc also checked on my low lying placenta. The trouble spot is now about 3cm away from my opening, which is eeeking into “all clear”–it’s odd because about 98% of my placenta is well away from my cervix, and then there is this tiny little wisp that is right near the opening. The good news it that he said that he has virtually no concerns about a vaginal delivery, but still wants me to see the specialist in a couple of weeks just to make sure.

Bagel is head down, which makes sense because there is one hard appendage–I’m thinking it’s a leg or foot?–that I consistently feel sliding back and forth from right above the right side of my belly button allllll the way to the right outer edge of my stomach. I’m not sure what her exact position is that is making her do that. I hear a lot of women who talk of getting kicked under their ribs, and she is definitely no where near up and under my rib cage…she almost feels like she’s over it, as her mystery appendage sometimes stretches out to my hip bone. So so weird and cool. She is definitely getting crammed in there. I am feeling the tightness and weight in my belly even more now, and there are hard body parts that feel very distinct when I feel around. I have also been feeling fatigue pretty bad. A couple of days ago, I dragged myself home from work, changed into a ratty nightgown, and rolled onto the couch.

And on that note, I’m going to psych myself up for one last day of work before my me-kend!


Thoughts on Showers

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It’s 2:51AM, and you know what that means? BLOG TIME!  I can’t seem to sleep, like, ever, and have been heinously erratic in my blogging, so I’m attempting to make up for it this morning with a spew of blog as we head into this long weekend.

MIL was in town for 10 days which I partially blame for my radio silence. She has the energy levels of Richard Simmons manifested in a small, 5’2″ Jewish woman raised in Brooklyn who has lived 30 years in Boston. I have the energy of a small snail on a good day, and feel like a beached whale right now. Between working 50-60 hours a week, entertaining MIL, and hosting my baby shower at my house, I gave myself a free pass from blogging last week.

I find that I am struggling with feelings surrounding my baby shower. This is in NO WAY a complaint about my shower itself. It was lovely, my friends are amazing, my family is beyond generous. I just felt like a whirlwind hit me, and was really angry with myself after it was all said and done that I couldn’t just relax during my own party and enjoy the scene. It’s my own psychological issues and anxieties…I know this “logically”, and maybe some time in 2017 when I can afford therapy again, I’ll dive deeper into this “emotionally”, but my social anxiety is becoming more and more of an issue for me. I had similar feelings around my wedding (people showing up for a major event that was all about me and Hubs made me so so nervous), and I buried them and refused to acknowledge them, but something clicked after my shower that really had me staring my social anxieties in the face. I don’t know why, but parties and celebrations thrown for me make me intensely uncomfortable. I can’t get lost in the celebration of people coming over to see me, and instead, I can’t stop thinking about whether or not people are bored, whose drink needs replenishing, or how embarrassing it is to open presents in front of everyone.  Some of it may have had to do with the fact that the party was at my house, bringing it all “closer to home” but it’s deeper than that. I don’t want to bring these anxieties to Bagel–I want to be able to throw her a birthday party without worrying that the 3 year olds there are having fun or little Timmy’s out of punch and hates me and my awful house.

Based on the size of my house and the central location, my place was the logical place to host…but in the end, if I had to do it all over again, I would not have volunteered to have my place turn into baby shower central. Like it or not, I ended up taking on a lot of responsibility for making the house look nice, getting fresh flowers in the morning, snacks to put out… MIL and my Mom did the vast majority of the work, but with it being my house and all, I knew where all the stuff was, and that combined with my control freakedness had a hard time just sitting back and letting them do everything. My house looked like a party explosion went off afterwards, and I was not prepared to jump into a full work week after that. This sort of compounded the general malaise I felt that I didn’t truly get to connect with friends and family there because I was so anxietal. Generally, alcohol takes the edge off of social situations for me, but, well…yeah.

I think another jarring thing for me was watching my MIL and Mom plan my shower and get my house ready for me. Both are 5’2″ tall, and that’s about all they have in common from there. My mom is quiet, tempered, reserved, and emotionally detached from any sort of real feelings. She never goes out, does not have one good friend that I know of, and let’s just say that party planning is not her strong suit.  My MIL on the other hand, lives for parties and party planning (and also attention–regardless of whose party it is). She is loud, has lots of friends, and shares lots and lots about herself (too much, sometimes). While it was mildly amusing to see them working together to decorate my place for the shower (or trying to…) I felt at times like I was watching Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey reenact scenes from Beaches 2, the Golden Years.

So as much as I would love to have Pin-worthy pictures to post on here of diaper cakes and mason jars filled with blue and pink homemade macaroons, I will just say that my shower was beautiful in its own anxietal way. There were about 20 friends and family who showed up, and everyone had a lovely time–including me, aside from my bouts of frantic searching for the right chip bowl, and replenishing of people’s mimosas. We played some cheesy party games, laughed a lot, and I opened an embarrassment of presents. The gifts are all in the baby room right now, and every time I look in there, I get overwhelmed by the kindness of my friends and family around this little Bagel of mine.

Oh yeah–and after the shower, I took off my dress, stared at it for a bit, and realized I was wearing it backwards the whole time. Granted, it wasn’t entirely my fault–the tag was in the “back” where it should be, but upon careful examination, was clearly mis-sewn (which is why I think the dress was on sale). Why I couldn’t figure that out BEFORE the shower makes me want to slap my forehead repeatedly. Fortunately, it was difficult to tell–it was a tight dress without any ties around the waist or anything– but I still cringe. CRINGE. when I think about it. Yet another thing to file away for the therapy session.

I will be 32 weeks pregnant this weekend. 32!! Really? I have another measuring check up with the Doc today, which will hopefully go all right, although I think I may have gained more than the requisite 2 lbs the last 2 weeks…in fact, I know I have. Unless the Doc office has some sort of magical scale, I’m pushing 4 pounds over the last 2 weeks. I have outgrown two pairs of maternity pants which kind of embarrasses me. Part of me likes reveling in my largeness. Especially when I’m in a comfie pair of stretch pants.

My ankles “may” be starting to swell a bit. I know my fingers are swelling up, as my wedding ring is tight…I’m still wearing it, but probably won’t be for long. Still no heartburn at all, no stretch marks, minor sciatic pain this weekend, no boob/milk leakage, and pretty low energy levels during the later part of the afternoon. I feel Bagel move constantly. Sometimes violently, actually, to a point where I have googled “seizure in the womb”–but apparently it’s normal to feel jerking and quick spasmatic movements sometimes. At least I sure hope it is! Last night in bed, I saw Hubs eyes go wide as he saw one side of my belly slowly push out into this huge lump and then retract. Alien, I tell ya. But I’ll take it.

And, as your reward for reading this far, I should also inform you that I finally trimmed my 1867 bush! Without a hand mirror! The process went fairly well considering I took a pair of scissors blindly to my nether-regions, and now my bush is back to late 80s style–hairy, but not braidable. I checked out my handiwork in the full length mirror in my bedroom afterwards, and damn it, was I proud.

Rants and Pants

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Although I have not been updating as frequently the last week and a half, I can assure you it has not stopped me from stalking every last one of you in the dead of night as I lay in bed under the warm glow of my smart phone. My insomnia is slowly getting the best of me, I’m afraid. My new “normal” wake up time is 2:30AM. I usually find this is right around Bagel’s “kick time” which also coincides with Hubs’ “snore time”.  Not sure which wakes me up first. When this happens, I will usually surf the interwebs on my phone in bed while Bagel kicks away and Hubs saws wood with his nose and throat. After about an hour of this, my stomach gets growly, so I get up and have some cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats, anyone?) and then proceed to get lost in handmade photo frame options on Etsy. Weathered barn wood…or shabby chic…? (punches self in the face repeatedly). About a week ago, I had an unhealthy obsession with lamp shades. Two weeks ago I was devouring the various techniques on how to prep cloth diapers by boiling them.

I also impulse buy things like this:


You see where I’m going with this.


I’ve battled it my entire  adult life, and now that I am coming up on 30 weeks pregnant, it’s kicking in in a major way. Truthfully, it hasn’t been that hard to get comfortable sleeping on my side…I don’t think that is what is waking me up. I think what has been jolting me awake at night is the realization that every one of Bagel’s forceful jabs at my insides is caused by a human foot. An actual human foot. I know this sounds like a strange thing to say, but it is hitting me that there is a person in there who will be out in this world soon. I’m excited to meet her, and absolutely terrified I will look at her blankly and not know how on Earth to be a Mommy to her. What will it be like to look at her? Nurse her? Look into her eyes? I’m afraid I may burst into tears on a daily basis the first few weeks she is here just at the sheer joy, terror, and newness of it all.

To make things even more real, yesterday we interviewed a pediatrician. Fortunately, I really liked her—Hubs liked her too, but thought she focused a bit too much on social/emotional/psychological development issues in infants, and didn’t get an understanding of her medical background as much. He is much more “science” based than I am, and feels that testing an infant for eye contact at 2 months to check their socialization skills is less important than being able to administer vaccines or stitches. I’m much more interested in how Bagel is engaging with the world, and developmental psychology. Given that this pediatrician graduated from a top med school and has been practicing for 25+ years, I have confidence in her medical abilities. She will be able to come to the hospital within 24 hours after Bagel is born to check her basic reflexes, eyes, ears, tummy, etc, and the fact that she was so passionate about the developmental psych aspect of pediatrics was also very reassuring to me. I know this may sound “lax”, and many parents interview 4 or 5 pediatricians before settling on one…I just don’t have the time. I’ve been working 50+ hours a week this pregnancy, and it’s not slowing down any time soon. Dr. Pediatrician seemed normal, engaged, and very nice, so we’re going to give her a go.

The next 3 weeks are going to be absolutely insane. My MIL is in town for 10 days starting tomorrow. My baby shower is next weekend, and then my Dad, Stepmom, Sister, BIL, and nephew are in town for 5 days. Someone please put a mallet to my insomnia ridden head. The thing that many people don’t understand about insomnia is that it doesn’t just drag you out for the entire next day. As the awful sleep/wake patterns continue, you end up putting an unhealthy emphasis on how naps and sleep will be effected by future events. Rather than feel excitement for all of the events in May, my mind wanders to when I will be able to steal naps, or how long I can attempt to sleep in on the weekends. I think about being exhausted by mid day, not about my friends and family who will all be surrounding me. It’s a frustrating place to be.

As I mentioned, I’m coming up on the big 3-0 weeks this weekend! I simply cannot believe it. I had a doc appointment yesterday, and my belly is measuring at 30 cm, which is absolutely perfect. I had thought she was heads up all week as there is a big moving lump on my right side which I assumed was her head, and my lower abdomen keeps getting tickled with what I thought were moving toes. Turns out she is still heads down, the tickles are her fingers, and that lump that I’ve been rubbing has been her cute little Bagel butt. Yesterday, I watched it slide about 3 inches down the right side of my belly. I am smitten with her Bagel bottom. I’ve noticed this week that I’m getting a linea negra (that ever so attractive line down the middle of the belly button–which is still an innie, by the way!) I don’t know why it’s so weird to me that I’m getting one…I think that sometimes it’s still hard for me to believe I’m even pregnant.

Lastly, although I’ve been tracking all right with the weight gain (I’m +23 pounds so far), I have also outgrown a pair of my expensive maternity pants. (screw you Pea in the Pod). My butt and stomach seem like they’re the only things that are rapidly expanding, and yesterday I felt the circulation in my legs stop when I sat down in them. Had it not been for the maternity panel in the pants, half my ass would have been hanging out the back. I really dislike maternity clothes, but all said, I am really savoring this pregnancy. I enjoy feeling Bagel move, and if I have to go up a pants size for her, so be it.

Now, if you don’t mind,  I’m off to “research” ladybug decals on Etsy until I crash again at 5AM only to have to wake groggily at 7AM for another day at work. Yahoooooo!!!!!