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Rants and Pants

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Although I have not been updating as frequently the last week and a half, I can assure you it has not stopped me from stalking every last one of you in the dead of night as I lay in bed under the warm glow of my smart phone. My insomnia is slowly getting the best of me, I’m afraid. My new “normal” wake up time is 2:30AM. I usually find this is right around Bagel’s “kick time” which also coincides with Hubs’ “snore time”.  Not sure which wakes me up first. When this happens, I will usually surf the interwebs on my phone in bed while Bagel kicks away and Hubs saws wood with his nose and throat. After about an hour of this, my stomach gets growly, so I get up and have some cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats, anyone?) and then proceed to get lost in handmade photo frame options on Etsy. Weathered barn wood…or shabby chic…? (punches self in the face repeatedly). About a week ago, I had an unhealthy obsession with lamp shades. Two weeks ago I was devouring the various techniques on how to prep cloth diapers by boiling them.

I also impulse buy things like this:


You see where I’m going with this.


I’ve battled it my entire  adult life, and now that I am coming up on 30 weeks pregnant, it’s kicking in in a major way. Truthfully, it hasn’t been that hard to get comfortable sleeping on my side…I don’t think that is what is waking me up. I think what has been jolting me awake at night is the realization that every one of Bagel’s forceful jabs at my insides is caused by a human foot. An actual human foot. I know this sounds like a strange thing to say, but it is hitting me that there is a person in there who will be out in this world soon. I’m excited to meet her, and absolutely terrified I will look at her blankly and not know how on Earth to be a Mommy to her. What will it be like to look at her? Nurse her? Look into her eyes? I’m afraid I may burst into tears on a daily basis the first few weeks she is here just at the sheer joy, terror, and newness of it all.

To make things even more real, yesterday we interviewed a pediatrician. Fortunately, I really liked her—Hubs liked her too, but thought she focused a bit too much on social/emotional/psychological development issues in infants, and didn’t get an understanding of her medical background as much. He is much more “science” based than I am, and feels that testing an infant for eye contact at 2 months to check their socialization skills is less important than being able to administer vaccines or stitches. I’m much more interested in how Bagel is engaging with the world, and developmental psychology. Given that this pediatrician graduated from a top med school and has been practicing for 25+ years, I have confidence in her medical abilities. She will be able to come to the hospital within 24 hours after Bagel is born to check her basic reflexes, eyes, ears, tummy, etc, and the fact that she was so passionate about the developmental psych aspect of pediatrics was also very reassuring to me. I know this may sound “lax”, and many parents interview 4 or 5 pediatricians before settling on one…I just don’t have the time. I’ve been working 50+ hours a week this pregnancy, and it’s not slowing down any time soon. Dr. Pediatrician seemed normal, engaged, and very nice, so we’re going to give her a go.

The next 3 weeks are going to be absolutely insane. My MIL is in town for 10 days starting tomorrow. My baby shower is next weekend, and then my Dad, Stepmom, Sister, BIL, and nephew are in town for 5 days. Someone please put a mallet to my insomnia ridden head. The thing that many people don’t understand about insomnia is that it doesn’t just drag you out for the entire next day. As the awful sleep/wake patterns continue, you end up putting an unhealthy emphasis on how naps and sleep will be effected by future events. Rather than feel excitement for all of the events in May, my mind wanders to when I will be able to steal naps, or how long I can attempt to sleep in on the weekends. I think about being exhausted by mid day, not about my friends and family who will all be surrounding me. It’s a frustrating place to be.

As I mentioned, I’m coming up on the big 3-0 weeks this weekend! I simply cannot believe it. I had a doc appointment yesterday, and my belly is measuring at 30 cm, which is absolutely perfect. I had thought she was heads up all week as there is a big moving lump on my right side which I assumed was her head, and my lower abdomen keeps getting tickled with what I thought were moving toes. Turns out she is still heads down, the tickles are her fingers, and that lump that I’ve been rubbing has been her cute little Bagel butt. Yesterday, I watched it slide about 3 inches down the right side of my belly. I am smitten with her Bagel bottom. I’ve noticed this week that I’m getting a linea negra (that ever so attractive line down the middle of the belly button–which is still an innie, by the way!) I don’t know why it’s so weird to me that I’m getting one…I think that sometimes it’s still hard for me to believe I’m even pregnant.

Lastly, although I’ve been tracking all right with the weight gain (I’m +23 pounds so far), I have also outgrown a pair of my expensive maternity pants. (screw you Pea in the Pod). My butt and stomach seem like they’re the only things that are rapidly expanding, and yesterday I felt the circulation in my legs stop when I sat down in them. Had it not been for the maternity panel in the pants, half my ass would have been hanging out the back. I really dislike maternity clothes, but all said, I am really savoring this pregnancy. I enjoy feeling Bagel move, and if I have to go up a pants size for her, so be it.

Now, if you don’t mind,  I’m off to “research” ladybug decals on Etsy until I crash again at 5AM only to have to wake groggily at 7AM for another day at work. Yahoooooo!!!!!




About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

2 responses »

  1. theoneyouforgot

    I have just found your blog, and cried my way through the posts. I have been reading backwards, which is of course a bit weird, but it didn’t matter. I cried and I cried because even though I don’t know you I am so, so happy for you. My biggest fear with my PCOS is that I will never become a mum and it is breaking my heart every single day. It’s not that I want a baby today or tomorrow, but I always thought I would be a mum one day, and now I probably won’t – due to the thing that has robbed me of most of my teenage years, and early twenties. I just feel like it stole so much from me already. To know that you and your husband won the pregnancy battle is just fantastic. I can’t stop smiling, or crying. I hope that some day I might get to experience that myself. In the meantime though I will continue to be happy for you and everyone else in our shoes that proves this disease wrong.

  2. Omg that bagel onesie is priceless!! I seriously hope you purchased that. That is totally not frivolous. At all. Seriously.

    So crazy that you can feel individual body parts through your stomach — but definitely cool. Not sure how I’ll react to watching a bum slide down one side of my tummy, from the outside, but it at least ranks up there with “new experiences in life.”

    I think I’d be fine with a linea negra… it’s the so-called pregnancy beard that I am terrified of. I keep intently searching my face for any weird blotches. Yuck!


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