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Monthly Archives: June 2013

Misc. Friday

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This post will serve as a brain dump in the hopes that I will write it, and promptly pass the fuck out. Sleep has been eluding me for weeks, months, years…who the hell keeps track anymore, but it has certainly gotten worse the last month or so. Sure, I have frequent pee trips every night, but its more than that. My brain simply refuses to shut down for more than a few hours at a time. It doesn’t help that every time I roll over or change positions, I feel Bagel heavily move from side to side in my stomach. It’s somewhat uncomfortable, but mainly, it just starts my brain spinning that within a month, I will have her in my arms, thus cuing a freak out that I will be an utter failure as a mother, and she’ll be wearing boom boom shorts and stripper sandals by the age of 11.

For the record, Hubs and I both had a creepy premonition in dreams the other night that she would be born on July 8th. Just putting it out there in case it really does happen, and then we can all freak out together and share a moment:

demotivation_us_i-see-dead-people-but-it-is-still-better-than-watching-twilight_133174497784

I don’t believe I’ve mentioned my extraordinary enthusiasm for SCOTUS’ ruling on DOMA the other day. For my full view on this matter, please read or re-read my most popular post of all time. Love and sparklie things will win over bigotry and fear every time, Haters. And I’m totes looking forward to all of the widespread bestiality that will come from this decision. Way to spice it up, America!!!

We had our final meeting with our doula last night before the “big day” when I call her in a panic. She is SO wonderful, and I feel so SO confident in her ability to care for both Hubs and I through this whole process. I give myself a hearty pat on the back for finding her. I will be attempting to labor at home as long as possible before heading off to the hospital. We went through our birth plan together, highlighting some of the big things that I’d like to make sure of:

1. Although I know I will need cervical checks at the hospital, I would prefer not to know how many centimeters dilated I am–just want to know if I’m ready to push. I know myself, and I know that any pressure I put on myself to dilate quicker will result in the opposite effect, and a lot of discouragement.

2. I’d like to hold off on cutting the cord until it finishes pulsing. I never knew this until recently, but the baby continues to get a lot of oxygen from the cord even after she is breathing on her own. Sometimes the hospital gets “clamp happy”.

3. I’m opting out of the antibiotic eye goop. It’s a precautionary measure that prevents the transmission of gonorrhea and chlamydia to the baby, but since I have tested negative for all STDs, Hubs has tested negative, and I’ll be Don Draper’s secretary if either one of us have had an extramartial affair since our tests, I’m going to safely assume that Bagel will not get an STD eye infection after birth. The main reason I’d like to opt out is that is seriously impacts Bagel’s vision if she has goop in her eyes, and I want her to be able to see my sobbing mess of a face when I hold her for the first time.

4. I’m opting out of the Vitamin K shots they give for blood clotting. The chances of her having a serious clotting disorder are 1 in 400,000. Think about that stat for a second. If I was having a boy and getting him circumcised immediately after birth, I would get the shot to rule out any possibility of something going wrong, but since that will not be happening, I will wait for my pediatrician to administer it orally later on.

We talked about a bunch of other “what if” scenarios (what if my water breaks and I’m not in labor, what if I’m going way past my due date, what if the baby’s head rips me so badly I have a permanent vaganus…) and her answers were very reassuring.  If I go to 41 weeks, we are going to start trying some natural methods to kick start labor (sex, walking, herbal remedies, etc) If those don’t work, we are bringing out the “big guns”–aka–castor oil. She said she has never seen it not work to bring on labor, but that if I opt for it, I will seriously need to be prepared to wear Depends on the car ride to the hospital. The diarrhea can get THAT BAD. I know it sounds like misery, but I am more terrified of induction than the runs, and hell, after 9 months of extreme constipation, it may feel good to shit my brains out. Hopefully I won’t need castor oil, but it’s nice to know I have the option.

In case anyone’s wondering, I just trapped a spider the size of a fucking silver dollar that was wandering around my kitchen. It’s in a cup in the middle of our kitchen floor. It’s been in the upper 90’s here in LA the past couple of days, and that seems to bring about spider season at our place.

Last random thought for this morning is about “my number”–we all have one, Ladies….amiright? Hubs, I know you’re reading this, and just know that I will never, ever tell it to you 🙂 And Hubs, I know yours is higher than mine, you little minx. I’ll preface this by saying that I had “fun” in my 20s, but not Lindsay Lohan kind of fun. I’ve had one one-night-stand, and the rest were guys I dated for at least 6 months. Overall, I have absolutely no regrets or hang ups around how many people I’ve slept with, nor would I ever judge anyone else for how little or many people they had chosen to boink.  My number is sufficient enough that I was playing a game this morning as I was trying to will myself to sleep. Rather than counting sheep, I was trying to remember, in order, the guys I’ve slept with. I kept coming up one short, and finally. FINALLY. I remembered the forgotten one. Poor guy. Rather than lull me to sleep, the exciting fact that I was able to accomplish this feat had me wide awake.

And that is the end of my completely random miscellaneous entry.

 

It’s not labor…it’s work.

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Ick. It’s been a rough start to the week. And surprise! It is not pregnancy related! It’s work related. And the fact that something work related could be contributing to stress right now when I am 36 weeks pregnant and want nothing more than to coast the next few weeks pisses me off.

Time to vent so I can maybe go back to sleep for an hour or so before I have to wake up and deal with the work day.

I believe I may have mentioned it on here before, but I work in LA for the bastard stepchild of “the biz”–children’s animation. I work with artists and writers to develop original kid’s show ideas (animated and/or live action) that then get made and put on the air between lots of ads for toys and sugar cereal. I wake up sometimes wondering how I got here, and truthfully, it’s a path that makes very little sense, but all I know is that after nearly 10 years of doing this, I have to say, I feel very fortunate. I love artists and creators, and I love seeing how excited kids get when I tell them I “helped” on a show that they absolutely love.

In January, I started at a new company. A big company. Make that a HUGE company. And I am so happy at my job, and passionate about what I do. So the fact that the person running my entire division is a complete idiot has not been sitting well with me. It came to a head yesterday when I was struggling to convince him that a passion project of mine may very well be the biggest kid’s show ever and we would be idiots not to pilot it. I was being very respectful of his (totally antiquated) opinion that the show was “lacking in character development”, but at the same time, I wasn’t backing down on my opinion: the show I’m developing is the shit.

The conversation ended with him saying “don’t lecture me about how to make a kid’s show”, yelling at me over the phone  in front of my boss and hanging up on me. I was stunned. I’d never been yelled at like that at work, and for simply expressing my opinion? Cue: blood boiling rage, hot face, and fortunately no tears in front of my boss. Thankfully, my boss was 100% on my side that what just happened was totally inappropriate, but jesus. It has worked me up and continued to bother me for a full day now. I have to see this asshole today at the office, and I just don’t know how to handle myself? Cool, calm collected? Slightly aloof? Confrontational?

I went back to my desk after that call and felt Bagel move, and nearly lost my shit bawling because here I am at work, 9 months pregnant, fighting over cartoons, and there is a LIFE inside of me. Part of me just wants to say, “the job can go fuck itself”, but another part of me cares deeply about my job. Not only does it help pay our bills, I am passionate about it. My passion for it scares me a bit because I feel like it makes me less of a mother, if that makes any sense.

I know I’m just being ridiculous right now, but the whole experience has me shaken. I want to be this cool, calm, serene mother to be, preparing mentally for labor in a scented tub of rose petals and lavender oil, and instead, I find myself working 50+ hours a week fighting over kid’s cartoons and getting hung up on by fuck tards. I know that this vision of what motherhood and childbirth is “supposed” to be like is never the same for everyone…but for me it just feels like I am in this strange place right now. I am scared of the huge unknown that is awaiting me with motherhood, and I am feeling guilty for still getting all mucked up and dirty in my work world.

Bagel has a bony butt

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I’m typing this at 4AM on Sunday morning staring at my huge belly and watching as Bagel’s tiny little foot moves in a lump from the top center of my belly allllllll the way over to the edge of the top right part of my side. Never fails to fascinate me!  It used to tickle when she did this, but there have been a couple points (like last night) that I’ve yelped in pain, as her foot has hit a few nerves I never knew existed. I have been all belly this entire pregnancy, and I’m beginning to sense that my uterus must stick out more than most– I keep hearing about rib pain, but not feeling it. She is definitely positioned over and above my ribs (hence her ability to stretch her leg all the way to what feels like my hip bone! There is a hard lump I feel at the top of my belly that has been moving around a lot. I was convinced for a few days that it was her head, but the doc confirmed it was her “bony butt”–his words, not mine!

According to my appointment last week, she is most likely in Left Occipital Anterior position, which means her head is at my pelvis, her backside curves around my left side, and her feet/ass are up near my diaphragm. Like this:

LOA

It’s evidently a pretty common position and a good one for birth, so I’m hoping she stays put. At this point, I can’t imagine she has much room to do flips. Stay put, Bagel! Just a few more weeks till you’re out of this dark cozy ute and into Hubs and my totally novice arms!

There still feels like so much to do. Cloth diapers to prep (I’m planning a cloth diapering post, don’t you worry!), meals to make and freeze, bouncy seats to put together, and laundry…always laundry. I got into a serious cleaning mode yesterday and hand washed the inside of our kitchen trash can which left me exhausted. I can feel myself huffing and puffing more in doing even the simplest tasks, and although I never thought I’d say this, rolling over in bed has become an immense feat. I wake about 4-5 times a night either to pee or roll because my hip is sore, and each time I need to switch positions, it’s like my entire stomach takes a few extra seconds to catch up. Having a 6 pound living human in your belly is absolutely fascinating and incredibly surreal. She now responds to touch, especially if I lightly poke her bony butt. I find this to be adorable, although I’m sure it annoys her. I’m also noticing she responds to sounds, and feel kind of bad that I scared her yesterday with my electric mixer when I made banana bread. Every time I turned it on to beat ingredients, she moved A LOT, and then would stop as soon as I turned it off.

Based on her movements and activity levels, I feel like she is going to be a very intense baby with many highs and lows. She will go hours where she thrashes around in me, kicking wildly and dancing, and then she goes to sleep for a couple hours, literally not moving more than a couple of times. Given the whole “kick count” warnings I’ve head, her long nap times have scared me a few times, so I’ve annoyingly poked her butt to make sure she’s ok. When I do this when she’s napping, she gives a slow, “leave me alone” move like she’s pulling the covers over her head, and goes back to being motionless. During those times, I feel like I have a disgruntled teen in my belly.

Aside from the much more frequent peeing and to-be-expected tiredness,  my only real negative symptom that has cropped up has been what I think is pregnancy induced carpal tunnel–especially at night and when I wake up. The joints in all of my fingers feel swollen and stiff, and I can barely close and open my hand. And forget about my wedding ring…that shit came off two weeks ago. (Helloooo boys!!)

Finally, Hubs and I are attempting to install Bagel’s crib camera and have reached an impasse as to where to put it. I had no clue the freaking thing needed to be drilled into a wall??? The biggest problem is that I spent oh, I dunno, 6 FREAKING HOURS working on her decalled wall over her crib, and it’s the only spot that we can mount it in order to use the camera (first world problems, YES, I know…). Hubs was going to drill right into the center of that wall so there would literally be a big fat baby camera and cord smack in the middle of my forest scene. I promptly flipped the FUCK out, and he told me I was sacrificing our baby’s safety for vanity. I’m sorry, but there has to be another creative way to mount this fucker on something other than my mural!! I suggested the crib, but he said the baby could crawl and get to it…but I swear I have seen others mount theirs on the crib. If not the crib, has anyone else encountered this problem with the baby cams? I’m open to anything–and I’m even thinking maybe a tripod near the crib would do the trick? Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

 

34 weeks…

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I’m in a strange place right now with this pregnancy. On one hand, I have been feeling very fortunate that I have had relatively little pain, discomfort, or fatigue this entire time. That being said, because of this, I think I have a tendency to overdo things and “forget” that I could realistically have a child in my arms in 4 weeks. It’s been a common theme lately to over exert myself and then pay the price later when my feet are throbbing at the end of the day. I have to stop myself and say, “Oh yeah. You’re 8 months pregnant, dummy. Might want to lay off hauling shit out of your car and building strollers.” I know that Hubs would be happy to help, but part of me feels so good doing things I have a hard time asking for help.  Case in point…this weekend. I was on my feet cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, running errands, packing my hospital bag, finishing the baby room, grocery shopping, and took 2 mile walks with Hubs both Saturday and Sunday mornings. At the end of the day Sunday my feet felt like they had been pummeled. I broke down and asked Hubs for a foot massage before we went to bed. As I was moaning while he was massaging my feet, he said, comically whimsical, “Sigh…I remember a time we used to have sex…”

Yeah, let’s just say my good ole sex drive aint what it used to be. It’s been a continual struggle as my body gets bigger and more ungainly for me to relax and let go. It’s not that I’m embarrassed of my body…it just doesn’t feel like it belongs to me right now, and it’s hard to get hot and bothered when I can’t see my vagina, and I groan uncomfortably every time I have to flip over or move off my back.

We visited some friends of ours on Saturday who had their baby 2 weeks ago at 36 weeks. He has been slow to gain weight, and is still clocking in at around 6 pounds. I held him, and he was soooo tiny…I felt so tentative–like I would break him. But in holding him, I also became excited to get to hold our daughter in my arms. It all started to get real…especially this morning when I realized that if I were on the same track as my friend, I could be having a child in 2 weeks. Then I freaked out. I am not THAT ready!! I don’t know if I’ll ever feel 100% ready…Something tells me I still have a while longer before she comes. At least 4 weeks, maybe more. Mother’s intuition? Or wishful thinking? 🙂

Baby or beach ball?

Baby or beach ball?

 

Ultrasound updates

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Just went to the specialist this morning and confirmed that my placenta has moved up, up, and away from my cervix. It’s now over 4cm from the opening, leaving me clear for Bagel’s head to exit in a natural birth scenario (hopefully without maiming me too badly…) Yay!

On another  note…they did a quick 3D ultrasound on Bagel’s face as a “bonus” for us and…holy SHIT. Has anyone else been terrified of their 3D ultrasound? Please, please tell me I’m not the only one here who has felt that way…. I really don’t want this to come off as awful, and I am insanely grateful that Bagel is a healthy baby with two eyes, a nose, and proper mouth, but it was jarring to see her looking so bloated…chinless…squashed in there? She looked totally different from her 20 week 3D ultrasound!  Obviously I’m going to love Bagel no matter what she looks like…I was just pretty shocked at how crazy her face looked. I know this is a touchy subject to talk about a baby’s looks, and I’m really not a superficial person…it’s just that the 3D ultrasound almost makes her look like she has deformed facial features! On the flip side, I find that pretty much every baby looks strange and bloated on those 3D pics, so the fact that I expected anything different from mine is lame.

All 3D ultrasound bloat aside, Bagel is looking perfect in her measurements. She’s weighing in at 5.5 pounds right now, and I got to see all 4 of the  little chambers of her heart beating away. It made me pretty emotional to see her heart beating today…more so than any other ultrasound I’ve had. She’s just such a tiny, precious, new little human being, and I tear up when I think about how fresh and untouched everything is in her body. Her little heart will be there for her the rest of her life, and Hubs and I have helped that little heart be set in motion. I just love her so much, and I want her to be happy and healthy in this crazy world she’s about to enter.

And speaking of teary eyed…Hubs just sent this commercial to me, and I swear I almost started sobbing at my desk. Gosh damn it, those Brits know how to make a commercial.