Ick. It’s been a rough start to the week. And surprise! It is not pregnancy related! It’s work related. And the fact that something work related could be contributing to stress right now when I am 36 weeks pregnant and want nothing more than to coast the next few weeks pisses me off.
Time to vent so I can maybe go back to sleep for an hour or so before I have to wake up and deal with the work day.
I believe I may have mentioned it on here before, but I work in LA for the bastard stepchild of “the biz”–children’s animation. I work with artists and writers to develop original kid’s show ideas (animated and/or live action) that then get made and put on the air between lots of ads for toys and sugar cereal. I wake up sometimes wondering how I got here, and truthfully, it’s a path that makes very little sense, but all I know is that after nearly 10 years of doing this, I have to say, I feel very fortunate. I love artists and creators, and I love seeing how excited kids get when I tell them I “helped” on a show that they absolutely love.
In January, I started at a new company. A big company. Make that a HUGE company. And I am so happy at my job, and passionate about what I do. So the fact that the person running my entire division is a complete idiot has not been sitting well with me. It came to a head yesterday when I was struggling to convince him that a passion project of mine may very well be the biggest kid’s show ever and we would be idiots not to pilot it. I was being very respectful of his (totally antiquated) opinion that the show was “lacking in character development”, but at the same time, I wasn’t backing down on my opinion: the show I’m developing is the shit.
The conversation ended with him saying “don’t lecture me about how to make a kid’s show”, yelling at me over the phone in front of my boss and hanging up on me. I was stunned. I’d never been yelled at like that at work, and for simply expressing my opinion? Cue: blood boiling rage, hot face, and fortunately no tears in front of my boss. Thankfully, my boss was 100% on my side that what just happened was totally inappropriate, but jesus. It has worked me up and continued to bother me for a full day now. I have to see this asshole today at the office, and I just don’t know how to handle myself? Cool, calm collected? Slightly aloof? Confrontational?
I went back to my desk after that call and felt Bagel move, and nearly lost my shit bawling because here I am at work, 9 months pregnant, fighting over cartoons, and there is a LIFE inside of me. Part of me just wants to say, “the job can go fuck itself”, but another part of me cares deeply about my job. Not only does it help pay our bills, I am passionate about it. My passion for it scares me a bit because I feel like it makes me less of a mother, if that makes any sense.
I know I’m just being ridiculous right now, but the whole experience has me shaken. I want to be this cool, calm, serene mother to be, preparing mentally for labor in a scented tub of rose petals and lavender oil, and instead, I find myself working 50+ hours a week fighting over kid’s cartoons and getting hung up on by fuck tards. I know that this vision of what motherhood and childbirth is “supposed” to be like is never the same for everyone…but for me it just feels like I am in this strange place right now. I am scared of the huge unknown that is awaiting me with motherhood, and I am feeling guilty for still getting all mucked up and dirty in my work world.