So, my doc called on Friday to let me know that my culture came back positive on Friday for (surprise surprise) a yeast infection. I spent a record 9 months without getting one, and the good ole vag decides that a few days before my due date, I should re-experience the joys of vaginal itching and inflamation. My gyno recommended I do a 7 day regimen of Monistat cream to which I promptly freaked out. Monistat A) has not worked for me in the past, and has actually made symptoms worse. B) The thought of shoving cream in my cooch and going into labor was very unappealing. I asked him if Diflucan would be an option. I know it’s unsafe first tri, but it’s the only medication I know that works and works FAST for me. Fortunately, he said he had no problem with me taking it, and so a couple of days after taking one, I’m relatively symptom free. The yeast infection has opened up a can of worms, however. It is a reminder that my body is a constant frustration for me. I had been all right about pushing PCOS and all of the nasty things that come along with it into the background during this pregnancy, and now that I’m here at 40 weeks exactly…my due date…I find that the fears I have about my body are creeping up on me again.
During this pregnancy, I certainly didn’t adhere to a diet that would have helped to prevent this yeast infection, and I feel a sense of guilt that I could now put Bagel at the risk of getting thrush. I also feel defiant: like, fuck you body. I’ll eat what I want and PCOS can suck it. Why me? Why do I have to live my life constantly thinking about every last scrap of food that goes into my body could trigger anovulation or yeast infections? Thoughts of not being pregnant anymore and going back to my “normal” PCOS routine of constantly thinking about whether or not I will cycle again are starting to creep up. I’m starting to get paranoid about every bit of food I eat. Even Hubs’ excitement at the pending birth, and his questions like, “So. Do you feel anything? Is she coming soon? Do you have contractions?” have been annoying me as it reminds me of when we were TTC Bagel and he would ask me if I felt like I was ovulating any time soon. For those of you who haven’t followed me since the beginning…it took a full year for me to get one ovulatory cycle, and that was after I caved and started taking Clomid. I spent a full year telling Hubs that I wasn’t ovulating, and might not ever ovulate without medical help. At first, he was frustrated at my pessimistic attitude: of COURSE I would ovulate–why was I being so negative? Then, as the months wore on with no ovulation in sight, I saw him change and become pessimistic too…and it broke my heart. Now that we’re at our due date, I know we’re close to having our baby in our arms…but I have no idea when things will happen, and I want to work hard at staying positive about the whole experience and letting Hubs stay excited. I don’t want to be the pessimist I was last night who told him to stop asking me if I was in labor, and that it might never happen naturally, and I may have to be induced. Stupid pessimist Sunny.
Ok. Thanks for letting me vent.
Moving into week 40 of pregnancy, I want to try and enjoy every sensation and have confidence that my body will do what it’s supposed to do when it’s time to do it. I am still technically going in to work tomorrow, and basically the rest of next week unless I go into labor. I have a lot of people telling me that I’m “crazy” or some sort of “super woman”, but the reality is, I just don’t know what I’d do with myself sitting around at home waiting. I love my job and the people I work with. I feel pretty good still. I also don’t want to use any vacation or sick time unnecessarily as I want all the time I can get with Bagel after she’s born. So, for now at least, the plan is to go back in tomorrow at 40 +1 weeks pregnant, and make sure I get out of work at a reasonable time this week. Truth be told, the last few days I have felt much MUCH heavier, and more sore in my legs and feet. Bagel continues to be very active, and I am assuming at this point she weighs at least 7.5lbs, which gets tiring to carry around after a while. Hubs and I continue to do our 2-3 mile walks on the weekends, but yesterday, I needed to take a long nap afterward, and my feet were killing me. Finding a comfortable sleeping position that doesn’t feel like I’m crushing Bagel has been a challenge.
This may be me projecting my feelings of inadequacy, but I feel at this point in pregnancy, a lot of moms are in this place where they are READY…they are nesting…they have reached this calm state where the pieces just “fit” and they want the baby out–at least, this is how I imagine it. I have to admit…I don’t know if I’m there yet. Will I ever get there? Does the fact that I’m still mentally and physically able to go to work tomorrow mean I’m going to be some horrible parent? I haven’t reached an unbearably uncomfortable state in this pregnancy so I can’t say that I wish it was over. Birth still feels incredibly abstract to me, and the thought of holding Bagel in my arms is exciting and terrifying and surreal at this point. I am hoping that once my body really does start to transition into more of a “labor” state, I will feel more ready for all of this. I’m finding myself more and more scared of failing as a mom…of somehow letting Bagel down. Of not feeling the normal feelings of excitement around birth, and instead, feeling this fear that I am going to be a parent–and a mediocre parent at that. Please do not take this to mean that I am not extremely grateful to be in this position to be worrying about things like this…it’s just all becoming very very real for me.