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Due Date musings

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So, my doc called on Friday to let me know that my culture came back positive on Friday for (surprise surprise) a yeast infection. I spent a record 9 months without getting one, and the good ole vag decides that a few days before my due date, I should re-experience the joys of vaginal itching and inflamation. My gyno recommended I do a 7 day regimen of Monistat cream to which I promptly freaked out. Monistat A) has not worked for me in the past, and has actually made symptoms worse. B) The thought of shoving cream in my cooch and going into labor was very unappealing. I asked him if Diflucan would be an option. I know it’s unsafe first tri, but it’s the only medication I know that works and works FAST for me. Fortunately, he said he had no problem with me taking it, and so a couple of days after taking one, I’m relatively symptom free. The yeast infection has opened up a can of worms, however. It is a reminder that my body is a constant frustration for me. I had been all right about pushing PCOS and all of the nasty things that come along with it into the background during this pregnancy, and now that I’m here at 40 weeks exactly…my due date…I find that the fears I have about my body are creeping up on me again.

During this pregnancy,  I certainly didn’t adhere to a diet that would have helped to prevent this yeast infection, and I feel a sense of guilt that I could now put Bagel at the risk of getting thrush. I also feel defiant: like, fuck you body. I’ll eat what I want and PCOS can suck it. Why me? Why do I have to live my life constantly thinking about every last scrap of food that goes into my body could trigger anovulation or yeast infections? Thoughts of not being pregnant anymore and going back to my “normal” PCOS routine of constantly thinking about whether or not I will cycle again are starting to creep up. I’m starting to get paranoid about every bit of food I eat. Even Hubs’ excitement at the pending birth, and his questions like, “So. Do you feel anything? Is she coming soon? Do you have contractions?” have been annoying me as it reminds me of when we were TTC Bagel and he would ask me if I felt like I was ovulating any time soon. For those of you who haven’t followed me since the beginning…it took a full year for me to get one ovulatory cycle, and that was after I caved and started taking Clomid. I spent a full year telling Hubs that I wasn’t ovulating, and might not ever ovulate without medical help. At first, he was frustrated at my pessimistic attitude: of COURSE I would ovulate–why was I being so negative? Then, as the months wore on with no ovulation in sight, I saw him change and become pessimistic too…and it broke my heart. Now that we’re at our due date, I know we’re close to having our baby in our arms…but I have no idea when things will happen, and I want to work hard at staying positive about the whole experience and letting Hubs stay excited. I don’t want to be the pessimist I was last night who told him to stop asking me if I was in labor, and that it might never happen naturally, and I may have to be induced. Stupid pessimist Sunny.

Ok. Thanks for letting me vent.

Moving into week 40 of pregnancy, I want to try and enjoy every sensation and have confidence that my body will do what it’s supposed to do when it’s time to do it. I am still technically going in to work tomorrow, and basically the rest of next week unless I go into labor. I have a lot of people telling me that I’m “crazy” or some sort of “super woman”, but the reality is, I just don’t know what I’d do with myself sitting around at home waiting. I love my job and the people I work with. I feel pretty good still. I also don’t want to use any vacation or sick time unnecessarily as I want all the time I can get with Bagel after she’s born. So, for now at least, the plan is to go back in tomorrow at 40 +1 weeks pregnant, and make sure I get out of work at a reasonable time this week. Truth be told, the last few days I have felt much MUCH heavier, and more sore in my legs and feet. Bagel continues to be very active, and I am assuming at this point she weighs at least 7.5lbs, which gets tiring to carry around after a while. Hubs and I continue to do our 2-3 mile walks on the weekends, but yesterday, I needed to take a long nap afterward, and my feet were killing me. Finding a comfortable sleeping position that doesn’t feel like I’m crushing Bagel has been a challenge.

This may be me projecting my feelings of inadequacy, but I feel at this point in pregnancy, a lot of moms are in this place where they are READY…they are nesting…they have reached this calm state where the pieces just “fit” and they want the baby out–at least, this is how I imagine it. I have to admit…I don’t know if I’m there yet. Will I ever get there? Does the fact that I’m still mentally and physically able to go to work tomorrow mean I’m going to be some horrible parent? I haven’t reached an unbearably uncomfortable state in this pregnancy so I can’t say that I wish it was over. Birth still feels incredibly abstract to me, and the thought of holding Bagel in my arms is exciting and terrifying and surreal at this point. I am hoping that once my body really does start to transition into more of a “labor” state, I will feel more ready for all of this. I’m finding myself more and more scared of failing as a mom…of somehow letting Bagel down. Of not feeling the normal feelings of excitement around birth, and instead, feeling this fear that I am going to be a parent–and a mediocre parent at that. Please do not take this to mean that I am not extremely grateful to be in this position to be worrying about things like this…it’s just all becoming very very real for me.

 

 

 

 

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About Sunny

I'm a happily married, 31 year old gal who is just starting her journey to conceive. I also have ovaries that may need a jump start. This blog is an attempt to channel my obsessive research on my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome into something positive....like a pregnancy test. That would be awesome. I also hope that other women with this condition will find support in this blog. There are a lot of us out here! Happy reading, whatever your journey may be.

10 responses »

  1. I went to work until the last minute too…not to be a super woman but for the same reasons you state. It’s really ok that you don’t feel so miserable that you can’t go to work. It doesn’t mean that Bagel isn’t coming soon. ‘Beached Whale’ is not the last natural stage of pregnancy. You’re going to be a great parent…it might take you another 6 months to be sure of that, but in time you will be confident!

    Reply
  2. First of all, happy due date! Second of all, I agree that many women say that they feel READY at this point, but I’ve never for a second thought that the reason they are ready is because they are calm and everything feels right and peaceful and ‘ready.’ I always just interpreted READY as being so uncomfortable that they want the thing out of them immediately and as getting impatient about finally meeting the small human who has taken up residence inside of them for 9 months. Remember, most people don’t talk about the fear and insecurity out loud to others. Not outside of this special little world we have here. I seriously can’t imagine that any woman who has never been through labor and parenthood is confident in their ability to do either. At least any thinking woman. 😉 Fear MUST be present.

    Reply
  3. I know I was “ready” but I wasn’t ready. I was just so uncomfortable I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. I figured I could deal with whatever happened as long as I wasn’t so tired and uncomfortable anymore (it’s very short-sighted but I was sooooo uncomfortable) But for sure you aren’t the only woman to want to stay pregnant forever because of the fear of actually parenting! Sadly my experience is that fear doesn’t go away, even while you’re in the middle of “parenting.”

    Reply
  4. I wasn’t ready to bring C into the world before he came. I worked until the last minute literally, but C came two weeks early so I hadn’t had a chance to wrap-up work yet. I went into labor the same morning I was heading into work to train my temp. I was very uncomfortable and having a ton of swelling and sleepless nights, so in that we are different. But even feeling all that, I wasn’t ready. But you know what? You become ready as soon as you are holding that baby. Don’t worry about how you feel now, it will happen and you will be a great mommy.

    Reply
  5. Okay, so a couple of things – I believe that you will transition to the labor stage just fine. Your brain just kind of clicks and there is truly no room for you to think about anything but that moment. You’ll do great. Also, I never got to the uncomfortable stage and was loving the last few days of pregnancy (although I went into labor at 38+6, so that probably helped). FWIW, I had NO clue that I was about to have a baby, as I don’t think she ever “dropped” and I was out running errands and taking a loooong walk the morning of. But then it BEGINS and it’s just… natural.

    And regarding the transition “back” to worrying about PCOS. Please don’t fret about that too much just yet. You have to give yourself time to just enjoy the baby and breastfeeding and all that. Honestly, I didn’t think about it at all until maybe 6 months when we started solids and I wondered if maybe my cycle would return with that (it didn’t). And I say – if you don’t WANT another baby right away, ENJOY not having that period for once in your life.

    Thinking of you and wondering if the next post will be “She’s here!!”

    Reply
  6. I don’t think you’re crazy at all! Why sit around doing nothing, if you’re fully capable of working? And especially if it means you’ll get more time off with Bagel when she’s here… if anything, I’m just flat-out impressed (and envious that you love your job and coworkers). 🙂

    It’s funny that you mention all these other bloggers who, at 39 weeks, suddenly declare they can’t handle another day being preggo and NEED the baby to come out NOW. That really does seem to be the norm, but I’m glad to know you feel this way because I can’t imagine being unhappy/uncomfortable in my pregnancy… at least not yet.

    Reply
  7. I always got the impression that women were ready to get the baby out because they were uncomfortable, not because they were necessarily prepared for having the baby. I don’t think you are alone in your worries. I was just having these same parenting fears this weekend. Now, I am nowhere new my due date, but I feel like I am still getting used to being pregnant and need way more time to wrap my head around having 2 babies. I haven’t even really been “nesting” (but, in my defense I am working away from home so can’t really do anything just yet).
    I do hope Bagel shows up soon, though! Forget the royal baby, I am on Bagel-watch 🙂

    Reply
  8. I’m going to give you an “it gets better” comment, in hopes that, although your situation won’t be exactly like mine, if any of it is, you are normal. Or at least both of us are abnormal. Yay for solidarity.

    I felt like I was as prepared as I could be before V was born and I still accepted the fact that I had no fucking clue. I think that helped. For me, once V was born there was this sense of euphoria, like even though I didn’t know what I was doing, she was here and nothing could screw that up. Then the sleep deprivation kicked in and I became a bit unrecognizeable to myself and emotionally unstable. For me that lasted a few weeks until one day I felt more like myself and realized that not only was I keeping my baby alive but she was healthy and pretty damn awesome.

    Also, I fully expect a framed piece of official-looking paper set up on an easel in front of your house announcing that Sunny is delivered safely of a baby Bagel.

    Reply
  9. Sunny, some of these feelings might be holding back your labor. My midwife says that when women go “overdue”, she often does some counseling with them to make sure they aren’t holding back or have feelings they haven’t dealt with yet. Just something to think about and maybe do some meditating/self-reflection on.

    Reply
  10. nonsequiturchica

    I’m hoping to work up until the last minute as well- that means more time recovering from my c-section and more time with the baby!

    I also think that your thoughts are ones that every pregnant woman has. I could have written most of the last paragraph and I’m only at 21 weeks.

    You are going to be a great parent. 🙂

    Reply

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