RSS Feed

Monthly Archives: November 2013

16 Weeks

Posted on

My baby girl is growing up. Not just physically, but there has been a noticeable shift in her ability to self regulate in the past week or so. Wonder of wonders, miracles of miracles, I can put her down and she can play. by herself. for like, 20-30 minutes sometimes!! This would never. Repeat. NEVER. have happened in the first three months. Ever since she has gained the ability to grab things, she does so with a vengeance, and everything she grabs goes straight into her mouth. She makes a very strange loud grunting sound when she puts something in her mouth that implies satisfaction mixed with a slight hint of aggression. It’s quite amusing.

My baby girl will sometimes rest her head on my chest when she’s tired. She’s been doing this quite a bit lately, and I melt. Seriously. No matter what she’s done prior to that point (scream fest and rolling around in her poo, anyone?) once the head goes on my chest and she relaxes, it’s all out the window.

Being a working mom has been an interesting transition the past few weeks. I feel almost guilty about how much I love my job and getting out of the house….All that said, I feel incredibly guilty leaving her with Hubs because he is very unhappy that he doesn’t have a job right now, and has to stay with her two full days a week. Those days are the hardest to leave her…I just don’t know how to make it better for Hubs right now. He is miserable, and it doesn’t help that I’m excited by my work and doing interesting things all day while he changes diapers. I know what he’s feeling because I went through it with him for three full months. Staying at home with the baby is FREAKING HARD. I will never snub my nose at how hard it is again. There is a feeling of being very lonely, trapped, and bored that is hard to shake when you’re with a child full time. I get it now. On the positive side of everything, Shira lights up every time she sees Hubs, and they have a very good rhythm together, which is an experience that most Dads don’t get to have with their daughters. My mom has been helping out with child care three days a week, and Shira loves my mom, too. So, overall, it’s bittersweet. I work all day and barely get home in time for bath time during the week, but I know that Shira is being cared for by two of the most qualified people I can think of when I’m away.

Big 16 week milestones have been grabbing things, holding the bottle on her own, and transitioning from her co-sleeper to her big girl crib. This transition was big. She went through an AWFUL sleep regression in weeks 14 and 15  where she was waking up every hour. Now, in the crib, she is only waking up once or twice at night. This is HEAVEN, although I still feel like a freaking zombie most mornings.

The one thing that hasn’t changed about my little girl is her lightening quick moods and intense personality. Here are three shots I took within seconds of one another. My sweet, expressive little girl.

Shira_5 Shira_3Shira_4

The reality sets in

Posted on

Reality has been hitting me in spurts lately. The reality that “mother” has become part of my identity…it is who I am when I wake up at 2AM, shaking and fuzzy from exhaustion to roll my little girl from her co sleeper into my arms when she has woken. She sighs as soon as I pop the bottle in her mouth…a contented sigh that indicates she is comfie again. She knows my arms. The routine of feeding her until she drifts slowly away. Bouncing her with her head on my chest. Patting her to the rhythm of a heart beat. What is she dreaming when she smiles in her sleep, I wonder.

It’s the reality of coming home after a long day at work and seeing her eyes light up when she looks at me, recognizing me as someone who is important in her life–who gives her something more than just food, but she can’t quite pinpoint what yet. I press her bright red rosy cheeks to me and she smiles and buries her face in my chest, shy and elated that I am back again from the moon and other place I go when I’m not with her.

I find that I like to drink in her smell. When she exhales, I try and take in her breath.

Her belches and farts are the cutest things ever.

There are days I feel soggy. Wasted. Utterly mowed over.  A sagging lump of flesh that is there to serve her. I can barely give to her, and I certainly fail as a wife. My flesh isn’t just his anymore, and it makes us both sad and lonely sometimes. I keep meaning to do more…and then she cries and she needs me, and I get lost again. I turn the shower up as hot as it goes and try to remember life “before”. But I can’t. It is only this feed. This nap. This hello. This goodbye. This smile. This pouting lip. This feather-like eyebrow. This fat roll on her thigh. This impossibly tiny fingernail. This laugh with her and Hubs as she “talks” and squawks on her changing table.

I’m 14 weeks into this, and this is my reality. It’s a terrifying and amazing place to be.