Yesterday, I used a Groupon I’d bought a couple of months ago to go see a nutritionist/acupuncturist near me. For $35 for a nutritional assessment, I thought it was worth it. It was my last ditch effort to find someone who I felt could help me get a handle on what’s going on with my body. The bottom line is: I have not felt well for years. My sleep is awful, I have really really bad IBS issues (horrible diarrhea 2-3 times a week), and of course, there’s the massive quantity of cysts on my ovaries and the fact that I have not had a period in 6 months.
The woman I saw practices a combo of Chinese medicine, acupuncture, and nutritional healing along with something she calls “intuitive healing”–yes, my bullshit meter was up. But what the hell. I didn’t have much to lose. So, I went in and met with her yesterday. She had long, dark hair and wore thin rimmed glasses. She may have been around 50. She had an earthy slightly hippie look to her. Pretty much what you’d expect an acupuncturist meets intuitive healer to look like.
I should preface this by saying this woman is not a fertility specialist. She treats all sorts of ailments for both men and women. She had no idea why I was there, only that I came for my discounted “nutritional consultation”.
When I arrived she asked me to fill out an extensive form on what my health concerns were. My top picks:
#1. Constant sleep issues. #2: Horrible IBS #3: PCOS
I was sort of rolling my eyes at the whole thing because I’ve been to acupuncturists before who have looked at my chart and who haven’t been very insightful, other than telling me they’re going to get my Yins and Yangs aligned so I can ovulate.
She came into the room, and I handed her my chart. She asked me to put it face down on the table. She didn’t want to look at anything I had written down about any symptoms. She was going to “intuit” what was wrong with me by looking at my tongue and body.
So, I stuck out my tongue, and she immediately scrunched her nose: “Geez, girl. You’ve got a lot going on.” She scribbled some notes on a pad of paper. She asked me to stand up straight in front of her, fully clothed, so I did that too. More frowning and scribbling of notes.
The skeptic in me kicked in again. Of COURSE she’s going to find a lot wrong with me. She wants my business.
When I sat down, she looked at me rather seriously.
Intuitive Health Lady: “How old are you?”
Intuitive Health Lady “Hmmm. Well, I’ll be honest–you have a lot going on for someone your age…but I’ll focus right now on 3 main issues that are really troubling you.”
Me: Yeah…I do have a lot going on health wise.
IHL: Well, first off, you have major sleep problems.
Me: Wow. Umm, yeah. I don’t really ever sleep through the night.
IHL: Second: you have awful digestive symptoms. Not constipation, more like bloating and diarrhea. IBS?
Now I was getting a little bit creeped out. She hit 2 out of 3 of my top concerns right out of the gate. But these were really common concerns–I mean, insomnia? Who doesn’t have insomina sometimes. And the chances of me seeing a nutritionist for IBS issues was pretty high odds, so I didn’t think she was THAT special. However, there was no way in hell that she would guess my #3 issue.
IHL: Lastly, I’m getting a feeling that you have some real problems with your menstrual cycles.
Me: Well, umm, yes…how did you? Wha? Hmm. But there are a lot of problems I could have with menstruation, and honestly, I will be shocked if you have been able to pinpoint what ‘s wrong by checking out my tongue.
IHL: I am sensing that you have a major problem with ovarian cysts–they are causing very irregular cycles. Have you ever been diagnosed with PCOS?
Out of ALL the possible permutations of things that could be wrong with my menstrual cycle–she picked PCO fucking S? WTF??? After I pinched myself that I was not in some M. Night Shamaylan movie I asked her how she could tell that by looking at my tongue.
IHL: Oh, I can’t exactly tell that by looking at your tongue. I told you–I’m an intuitive healer–I just looked at you and I could “tell”.
I was impressed/freaked out to say the least. For the next 30 minutes she did what no practitioner has done with me to date: We came up with a concrete plan together. She has a nutritional program that when combined with acupuncture and supplements will supposedly help me immensely. The problem is, it’s a bit hard core with what foods I can and cannot eat, and will require me coming in for weekly meetings for about 4 weeks. Had she not been able to detect the PCOS, I would have been a bit more skeptical, but I feel good about trusting her. I don’t feel she is hustling me. I have come to the realization that I cannot do this nutrition thing on my own through Dr. Googling everything. I need the support of a practitioner. I’m hoping that this will help me…truthfully, knowing that I can devote the next 4 or 5 weeks trying to get healthier, and that someone has recognized that I need help with my nutrition makes me feel better already.
More updates to come on Intuitive Health Lady!