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I suck at dieting

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My birthday “get out of cardboard tasting food” free day turned into a weekend. I tried as best I could to be “good” about eliminating wheat, dairy, caffeine, etc, but I was hungry, having fun, and just said fuck it. Belle, I’m sorry, but I sucked at this challenge this time around 😦

Here’s the problem(s)

1. I really like to eat wheat products sometimes. Giving them up entirely is completely daunting, and makes me really really sad.

2. I love caffeine, and really enjoy my morning coffee. This is the only time I have caffeine. Not drinking it makes me irritable and sad. I’m sure I could get over it eventually, but damnit, I love looking forward to it in the mornings.

3.When I set these strict guidelines for myself, I mentally abuse myself if I so much as taste some yogurt or cheese based products. This is not a fun way to live and also makes me sad.

Basically, what I’m discovering is that when I completely restrict myself, I end up falling off the wagon even worse than I do if I mentally say that I will allow myself to have a bagel occasionally. Rather than have a couple bites of bagel, I’ll eat 3 of them if I feel restricted. Then comes the remorse, which causes me to eat more bagels.

I hit a wall this weekend where I finally came to some sort of acceptance that changing my diet drastically will not fix everything. It is not the magic solution to my PCOS. If someone told me that I could cure my PCOS completely if I spent the next 2 years eating a strict elimination diet with no exceptions, I honestly don’t think I could do it. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to fix my PCOS badly enough, it just means that I have to think about my quality of life and value that as well. I did not start this journey in this place, but I’m here now. I need medication.

Hubs and I have been doing a lot better, and had a discussion this weekend about dipping our toes into “trying” again. I am going to start on my birth control, get a period, and then see if the BCP helps me to ovulate for the first month I’m off it (I ovulated the first month off BCP the last time). We will try to “catch” the ovulation next month. If that doesn’t happen, it’s back on BCP and then on to Clomid.

During this time, I will try to eat as much gluten free/wheat free/ dairy free/ caffeine free/ alcohol free things, but I will not beat myself up if I slip a bit.

As for the exercise, I am continuing to do this just about every day. The weight loss has been extremely slow, and mostly non-existent which leads me to believe that my metabolism is fucked, I’m getting older, or my insulin resistance is making it much more difficult to loose weight. I’m thinking of getting back on 1,000mg of Metformin just to see if it can help me with the stubborn belly fat that will not go away.

Thus concludes my Monday update!

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Twofer at the gyno!

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Today I got a pleasant surprise for an infertile anovulator who constantly seeks vaginal health opinions and attention: A last minute appointment at the gyno! Not only was I able to get my annual PAP smear taken care of lickety split, I also got a fresh pack of BCPs to kick off Operation Screw It, These Ovaries Are Getting Medicated. A twofer one if you ask me!

The plan is to go on the BCPs for a month starting tomorrow, and then kick off my artificially induced hormonal “period” with some Clomid CD 3-7. I have not gotten an HSG test yet, but my gyn said that unless I have had a history of PID or chlamydia, he would recommend I wait a couple of cycles to see how I respond to Clomid. Insurance doesn’t cover my HSG unless I have a history of endo.

Stand back, ovaries. I have a prescription for 50mgs of Clomid in my hand right now, and I’m not afraid to use it.

All in all, aside from needing meds to do what most women can do in a few months of drunk horney boinking, today felt like a good day for fertility overall. It feels nice to finally feel like I’m going to be jump starting something. I don’t know what it is exactly…but at least it’s something.