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I suck at dieting

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My birthday “get out of cardboard tasting food” free day turned into a weekend. I tried as best I could to be “good” about eliminating wheat, dairy, caffeine, etc, but I was hungry, having fun, and just said fuck it. Belle, I’m sorry, but I sucked at this challenge this time around 😦

Here’s the problem(s)

1. I really like to eat wheat products sometimes. Giving them up entirely is completely daunting, and makes me really really sad.

2. I love caffeine, and really enjoy my morning coffee. This is the only time I have caffeine. Not drinking it makes me irritable and sad. I’m sure I could get over it eventually, but damnit, I love looking forward to it in the mornings.

3.When I set these strict guidelines for myself, I mentally abuse myself if I so much as taste some yogurt or cheese based products. This is not a fun way to live and also makes me sad.

Basically, what I’m discovering is that when I completely restrict myself, I end up falling off the wagon even worse than I do if I mentally say that I will allow myself to have a bagel occasionally. Rather than have a couple bites of bagel, I’ll eat 3 of them if I feel restricted. Then comes the remorse, which causes me to eat more bagels.

I hit a wall this weekend where I finally came to some sort of acceptance that changing my diet drastically will not fix everything. It is not the magic solution to my PCOS. If someone told me that I could cure my PCOS completely if I spent the next 2 years eating a strict elimination diet with no exceptions, I honestly don’t think I could do it. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to fix my PCOS badly enough, it just means that I have to think about my quality of life and value that as well. I did not start this journey in this place, but I’m here now. I need medication.

Hubs and I have been doing a lot better, and had a discussion this weekend about dipping our toes into “trying” again. I am going to start on my birth control, get a period, and then see if the BCP helps me to ovulate for the first month I’m off it (I ovulated the first month off BCP the last time). We will try to “catch” the ovulation next month. If that doesn’t happen, it’s back on BCP and then on to Clomid.

During this time, I will try to eat as much gluten free/wheat free/ dairy free/ caffeine free/ alcohol free things, but I will not beat myself up if I slip a bit.

As for the exercise, I am continuing to do this just about every day. The weight loss has been extremely slow, and mostly non-existent which leads me to believe that my metabolism is fucked, I’m getting older, or my insulin resistance is making it much more difficult to loose weight. I’m thinking of getting back on 1,000mg of Metformin just to see if it can help me with the stubborn belly fat that will not go away.

Thus concludes my Monday update!

Day #1 and Day #2 Diet, Pounding Caffeine Withdrawl Headache

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As many of my readers may have guessed by now….I’m just a girl who can’t say no to a challenge! So a couple of days ago, when I read that Belle was doing a 7 day diet detox, I had to jump in like the insane mad woman I am and attempt to get back on track with my Elimination Diet (the only diet to date that has inspired my wonky uterus to actually bleed–at least that’s my hypothesis since I got a period 4 weeks into the diet, and hadn’t bled for 8 months prior to the diet.) But I digress.

In those 4 weeks on the Elimination Diet, I felt great, and swore up and down that I would never go back to unhealthy eating again…And then I had a really shitty couple of months and Charlie Sheened my diet with booze, cigarettes, and copious amounts of cheese. Belle’s diet detox post was like a siren call… I had just polished off an entire box of Amy’s Mac and Cheese the day I read her post (perhaps this is why I’m gaining weight on Jenn’s fitness challenge I’m currently partaking in? Hmmmm). I took my blood glucose levels after the box of mac n cheese, and the results scared me. After 45 minutes, my blood sugar was at 149 which is pretty high–much higher than any levels I’ve ever tested at…like…prediabetic high…. Let’s just say I scared myself straight. Back to the diet it is.

Yesterday was my Day 1 of Elimination Diet Redux. I now remember why I told myself the LAST TIME I did the Elimination Diet why I would NEVER go back to unclean eating again: The freaking headache. Damn I hate the Elimination Diet Headache. It happens every time I decide to eliminate sugar and caffeine, but on the Elimination Diet I can’t soothe myself with buttery croissants or warm, flaky French bread.

Instead, last night I soothed myself with a salad.

Blah.

Salads are kind of like that really reeeeeallllly smart, nice guy who liked you in high school, who your mother told you would make the perfect husband and father some day, but he kind of creeped you out and annoyed you when he followed you around like a puppy dog and didn’t make you pine after him like that 19 year old college freshman who drove the light blue ’64 Mustang did did. You reallllly try to want the salad, but in the end, you end up losing your virginity one summer afternoon to the guy in the Mustang when his parents are at work.

I will neither confirm nor deny that this happened to me.

Day #1

I pushed through yesterday’s detox diet Day 1 with this craptastic–err–I mean–AMAZING AND DELICIOUS!–menu. I tend to eat at all hours of the day, little bits at a time, so I usually break my meals up into “morning, afternoon, and evenings” vs “breakfast, lunch and dinner”. Sometimes, my “meal” lasts a few hours as I pick at it at my desk.

Morning:

Red Raspberry Leaf Tea (tastes like raspberry flavored tree bark. Yick)

Green Vibrance drink with Pom juice (Belle described it once as tasting like the inside of a lawnmower. This is truly what it tastes like)

Shot of iron (tastes like blood mixed with raisin juice. YUCK!)

One large fillet of grilled salmon, one large red potato, 2 cups of grapes

Afternoon

4 slices of turkey, 1 plum, 1 cucumber with Annie’s dressing, 2 rice cakes with agave syrup

Tea

Evening

Big salad w/ chicken breast and vegetable soup.

Day #2

Has been more blah of the same.

Morning:

Quinoa rice cereal with agave

Spearmint Tea

Afternoon

2 cups grapes, one potato, one peach

Big steak salad.

Evening:

Still have no flippin clue what I’m doing for dinner, but it may involve lamb, hummus, and some stuffed grape leaves.

Day 14–Maybe I’m actually healing

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I have hit the 2 week mark on this diet of mine. Hard to believe that last week around this time I was sobbing in a bath tub wishing death to soggy muffins. Ah, gotta love carb withdrawl rage.

I’d like to offer up some words of encouragement to anyone attempting to attempt this diet, contemplating to attempt to attempt this diet, or to those who are simply amused that I am willingly putting myself through this shit: it gets better. I can’t believe I just wrote that.

After two weeks, I have begun to see the “other side”! I have not been doing this for weight loss, but I have gone from 131lbs to 128lbs which isn’t a huge difference, but enough to make my jeans feel better.

My timeline has gone something like this:

Days 1-4:

Miserable as fuck. Not going to lie. Detox symptoms, cravings, headaches, mood swings, you name it. Don’t be dumb like me and start this diet on the same day you come back from a 10 day vacation and have all day meetings with carb laden catered meals.

Days 5-6:

Feeling better (sort of). Intense withdrawl symptoms seem to have abated. Still gaseous, bloated, and cranky. Hubs gives me a slow sideways glance every time I walk in the room and says, “I’m scared of you.” Ah, young love.

Days 6-8:

Nope. Not in the clear yet. Withdrawl, cravings, and mass hysteria over poorly cooked muffins comes back with a vengeance. The night sweats were the worst.

Days 9-14:

The calm after the storm. I have not felt shitty for almost a full week! No gas, no stomach issues, nothing! Hemorrhoids are GONE. Not that I’m out of woods yet, but these stats look promising. I ate a yam today for breakfast, and get this: I actually enjoyed it. I have TONS of energy. What the hell? The key for me has been lots of protein throughout the day, which keeps me away from hunger rages. That, and I’ve been cooking up a storm. Enough to make sure I have left over meals for work days.

The real test will be the next couple of weeks. I would like to start initiating some exercise back into my life…we’ll see how that goes. I miss running. Hard to believe I once ran three marathons in the span of 2 years, and now I wheeze on a slow trot around my block.

Food

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It’s the other four letter “f” word at this point.

Forgive me if this blog is turning into some sort of crazy food rant… it’s just that I’ve been thinking about what, when, where, and how I’m going to eat for 6 days now….my brain is fritzing.  Food has become this all-consuming time suck, and I’m not enjoying it, to be quite honest. If I’m not reading labels, cooking some nasty gluten free/egg free/ dairy free bread, chugging water, chugging the horrible Green Drink, or taking vitamins, I can generally be found at restaurants with friends sullenly picking at a bland salad while others are enjoying food, drinks, and deserts.

This diet is not good for anyone who wants a life outside of obsessing on food.

This week I went out to dinner three times (these dinners were planned well in advance of me knowing I was going to diet, and I couldn’t get out of them) and it was painful. To cap off the glorious weekend, Hubs and I went to a wedding last night where I had to bring a bag of trail mix with me so I could have something to eat. The wedding was rained out, and we all had to pile inside a tiny cramped room with no dance floor, where all there was to do was drink and small talk with many people I didn’t know. Let me tell you, I pounded those waters. And I was BORED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND.

But I’m sticking to this. I need to see if it works…I need to see if it will all be worth it in the end…wait a minute. What is “the end”. How do I know if this worked???!! Argh!!!

A few things that are working:

1. I have not weighed myself since Tuesday, but my pants are already fitting better.

2. I am starting to crave water over any other beverage, which I think is a good thing.

3. The gross white coating that was all over my tongue for so long (and which, in Chinese Medicine is indicative of congestion, and weak spleen) has almost all cleared up. My tongue was also very swollen (which is indicative of teeth marks on the side of your tongue). This indicates liver taxation/toxicity. This morning, the teeth marks which have been there for months were almost entirely gone.

4. The hemorrhoid that has plagued me for almost 10 years is all but disappeared.

5. My face is the softest and clearest it’s been in a long time.

6. I don’t feel sharp hunger pains anymore, as I’m better able to manage what foods my body needs and when.

7. Salads are actually starting to taste good (amazing how that happens when there’s nothing else to freaking eat.)

Tomorrow I see Intuitive Health Lady for my Week One Check In/Acupuncture session. We’ll see what she says. Until then, I’m making black beans and yellow rice today and studying for a Lifespan Psychology midterm.

Reacquainting myself with salads

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Yesterday, the diet made me do crazy things: Like eat a huge, vegetable laden salad for lunch.

Before I left for work, I made a olive oil and vinaigrette dressing which took me all of 5 minutes:

“So Easy A 5 Year Old Who Is Allowed To Play With Knives Can Make It” Vinaigrette Dressing:

1/2 cup cold pressed olive oil

3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

2 cloves of garlic, sliced (you can crush the garlic if you want a spicier more garlic flavored dressing)

salt and pepper to taste

1. Shake everything in a container with a lid.

2. Head to nearest supermarket salad bar to make your salad because you’re lazy, and hate cutting vegetables.

I don’t know about you, but homemade dressing always sketches me out a bit. I think it’s the mixing of oil with spices, powders, etc–it just looks goopy. That being said, this dressing tasted pretty yummy, and when I look at the ingredients on some of the dressings I’ve been eating before, this homemade stuff is about a trillion times healthier.

If there is one thing this diet is bringing my attention to, it’s how many processed foods I eat on a daily basis. It scares me that I can’t remember the last time I ate a big, healthy salad. The idea of eating a bunch of lettuce and chopped veggies isn’t appealing to me for whatever reason. In Elimination Diet Land, however, by the time lunch rolled around I was so hungry that the Ralph’s salad bar salad actually looked amazingly delicious.

After work, I forced myself to Whole Foods to buy some lamb and yam for my next recipe, which I like to call:

Lamb n’ Yam

One all natural lamb shoulder cut per person

One Yam/sweet potato

1. Sprinkle lamb with salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste

2. puncture yam a few times, wrap in a paper towel, and nuke it for 7 minutes

3. while the yam is nuking, cook the lamb for about 4 minutes per side in a pan lightly oiled with olive oil.

4. Cut open yam. Sprinkle yam with cinnamon if desired.

5. Eat lamb n’ yam in front of the TV and zone out because you’ve had a rough day and are going through caffeine withdrawl.

6. Wish that you could also have some mint jelly for the lamb, and butter for the yam, but also note how delicious it tastes anyway.

During the work week, I really only have the time and energy to make dishes that are this simple. I usually get home around 7PM, so anything gourmet will have to wait for the weekend. I enjoy cooking, so we’ll see what recipes I can come up with when I have more than 10 minutes!

Other than that, the fuzzy headache symptoms have subsided since yesterday, but we’ll see if that lasts.

So about this whole diet thing…

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Yesterday sucked balls.

Not only was I tired and grumpy and jet lagged and dragging my feet to go to work, I was completely ill prepared for this diet, craving caffeine and sugar.

Warning to anyone who wants to attempt this diet: The level of preparation involved with keeping up with a restrictive diet is massive. I need to spend this weekend making meals so I am not gnawing my own arm off during the work week.I managed to stick with “the plan” yesterday, only to realize that I didn’t have much of a plan in place. This needs to change.

We had out of town production partners in the office yesterday. This meant an all day meeting that was catered. During our 8 hour production meeting delicious sandwiches, chips, muffins, and cookies were served.  I ate fruit salad and dried apples that I brought. I forgot to bring any “diet approved” salad dressing, so I literally ate a green bell pepper whole with nothing on it (mainly because I was so hungry). I also ate a banana, which was surprisingly delicious, and drank about 5 cups of tea.

Then, because this diet can bite me, we took our partners out to a really delicious restaurant for dinner where everyone ordered beer, martinis, wine, gourmet burgers and ribs , and I ordered water and the plain halibut with lima beans and peas (I couldn’t do the creamy yukon potato risotto that came with it. Grrr). I’m pretty sure the halibut was cooked in a bit of butter which is a “technical” no no, but at that point, I didn’t give a shit.

I got a lot of comments yesterday about posting recipes, so I think that I will post one a day (if I can).

Today, I am making “Rice and Shine” for breakfast. It’s like Cream of Wheat, but made with quinoa and brown rice.

1. Boil 1 cup of almond milk

2. Add 1/4 cup of Rice and Shine

3. Simmer 3-4 minutes until thick.

4. Sprinkle some cinnamon on top with some agave syrup to sweeten.

5. Smile and pretend this tastes just as good as fluffy waffles with strawberries and whipped cream.