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Wine. Beer. Vodka. Mixers. Martinis. Margaritas. Daquiris. Tequila shots. Scotch.

If it’s alcoholic, I’ve probably tried it. And…frankly…I’ve probably liked it.

At the risk of this turning into some sort of 12 Step blog, I have been noticing how hard it’s been for me in the last couple of months since TTC to stop drinking completely. Everything I’ve read about PCOS has said that drinking can be very hard on your hormone levels, and that it increases testosterone levels in the body which can mess up ovulation (judging by my chin hairs and blood tests, I already have more than enough testosterone thankyouverymuch). Yet even armed with this information, I find that I haven’t been able to go more than a week without caving and having a glass or two of wine at dinner. I had two glasses on Saturday at dinner with my grandparents, and a couple of glasses out with friends during last week. The difficulty I’m having with quitting drinking is scaring me. Am I THAT dependent on alcohol? Why is it so hard for me to go without it?

I don’t want to speak for anyone else out here, but for me, alcohol is a way I can get the repetitive thoughts to stop hamster wheeling it through my brain. With PCOS and the fear of infertility, alcohol subdues those thoughts and allows me to relax. It’s a way for Socially Awkward Me to chill out at parties. It’s a way that I calm down after a bad day at work. It’s a way I connect with friends…It all sounds very sad to admit, but alcohol has been a crutch for me for a long time.

With the holidays here, the levels of drinking amongst friends and family escalate. I’ve already been to two parties without alcohol, and I felt awkward making small talk. The thought of New Year’s Eve without being buzzed feels wrong…I wish that I didn’t identify joy and festivities with feeling buzzed.

Anyhow. I hope no one judges me for feeling like I’ll miss alcohol terribly if I can’t have it to fall back on…I have re-read this post, and feel a bit pathetic. But I also know that in the realm of TTC, alcohol (and the lack thereof) has been something I’ve been trying to quietly deal with for months now. I can’t promise I will be perfect, but I guess this entry is my way of putting it out there that this is something I’ve been struggling with for a while, and I’m going to be stepping up my efforts to stop drinking completely.

If you see me at a New Year’s Eve party, I’ll be the one awkwardly standing in the corner with an O’Doule’s.