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Clomid can go f itself

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What has two thumbs and doesn’t respond to Clomid?

This girl!

No proof yet, but it’s CD13 and I’m experiencing no twinges, fluids, or body temps that would indicate anything is working. I just “feel” this cycle is a bust…my body still feels shut down (P.S: can I just ovulate ONE FUCKING TIME this year??? Too much to ask???)

So, today I made the first steps towards acknowledging that my problem is bigger (and more expensive) than I or my laid back gyno can figure out. I made appointments with 2 RE’s and will probably make two more tomorrow just to meet with each of them, see their clinics, and figure out who to go with. I’m ready to get this show on the road with someone who can actually make it their full time job to knock me up.

Goal is to have a doctor locked and loaded in November, and then some shit’s going down. Mama’s not playing anymore.

For those of you who have REs, what would you recommend I ask them in our initial meeting? What have you found is important in an RE, or in a clinic that you’re going to? Any advice would be welcome.

Ovaries…don’t MAKE me go Bald Brittney on your ass!

Bitches won’t ovulate with Clomid, 2,000mg of Metformin, and an absurd wheat/dairy/sugar/alcohol/caffeine free diet? I’m one head shave away from some serious cray cray.

 

I’m awsome.

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Against my wishes, my ovaries just got a tattoo:

Yes, ovaries. You certainly are awsome.

It’s CD21, and I need to accept that this cycle is officially a bust. No more ferning on my ovulation slides, a few failed ovulation tests, erratic BBT, low, hard, closed cervix, and sticky CM. Take the hint, Sunny.

I just keep thinking back to that uncomfortable look on my gyno’s face last week when he was trying to make it seem like I still had a “slim” possibility of ovulating. I’m not a dumb ass. I could see the writing on the wall even then with my shitty 7mm folicle. I fucking HATE when people try and spare the truth. (rant).

Nope, these ovaries aren’t ovulating this month. The lights are on, the bar’s closing up, and my ovaries are just starting to look sweaty and ugly now.

Time to go home now, ovaries. Time to go home.

My ovaries laughed in the face of 50mg of Clomid. Laughed, and probably formed a whole bunch of cysts which are now sitting there releasing testosterone into my system, thus further preventing ovulation. Dr. Good Eggs called and left a message a couple of days ago about my testosterone blood test results. A normal range for a pre-menopausal woman is between 15-40ish. Mine was 78. Basically, I’m lucky I don’t have a full beard and balls right now. I feel like it will be very difficult to ovulate with my testosterone levels the way they are, and I’m almost doubting that it will be worth 100mg of Clomid right now if my system is so screwed with the hormone levels. But try I will.

He says the Met should help with the testosterone levels, and I have been taking 2,000mg religiously for the last week. I’ve had a few bloating episodes, and the occasional bowel issues, but nothing close to what I had worried about. 6 months from now (which feels like an eternity), I will get another test to see if my testosterone levels have gone down.

I know that I’m not even close to exhausting my ovulation options–I’ve really just begun dipping my toe into fertility meds…but I just wanted a “win”, you know?

On the flip side, I went on my first long run in a very long time yesterday. 7 miles, and I am HURTING today, but it made me remember how much I loved running, and how good it is for my anxiety levels and overall well being. I’m hoping to go on another shorter run today, and keep it up.

Happy Labor Day Weekend (I feel ironic writing this on an IF blog.)

 

The silver (uterine) lining

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In an uncharacteristically optimistic post, I have decided that I’m not going to wallow over this Clomid cycle. Maybe it’s the fact that although I may not be ovulating (YET, damnit, YET), Hubs and I have been having lots of great sex, and my 1500mg of Metformin I’m taking has given me NO loose bowels or adverse side effects this time around. Tomorrow I bump up to 2,000mg, where I’ll stay for 6 months. I’m sure I will have break down moments in the future, but for right now, I’m enjoying the increased excuse to boink this week in case my cystic ball of junk decides to ovulate.

I’m on CD 16 today. Cervix is still low and firm. Mucus is of the standard non watery variety. Temp hovers between 97.3 and 97.6. No spike yet. However, I’m ferning the shit out of my ovulation microscope. The slides have been increasing in fernage from CD10 (absolutely no ferning) until today (lots of good ferns). Supposedly, this means that my estrogen levels are peaking and you know what that means???? Well, in an average woman, it means ovulation is near. In my case, it may just mean my body is whacked. But I am trying to stay positive.

. My ferning slide looked like this this morning:

Purdy.

Metformin tip: Perhaps I’m late to the party on this, but my endocrinologist gave me a “how to” sheet on how to take Metformin. Pills should be taken in the morning with breakfast, and evening with dinner–always with food, and for best results, eat half your food, take the Met, and continue with your meal. This tactic has helped me stomach the Metformin SO MUCH BETTER than the last time around.Right now I take one pill in the morning and 2 in the evening, but I will soon bump it up to 2 and 2 (for a total of 2,000mg)

I suck at dieting

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My birthday “get out of cardboard tasting food” free day turned into a weekend. I tried as best I could to be “good” about eliminating wheat, dairy, caffeine, etc, but I was hungry, having fun, and just said fuck it. Belle, I’m sorry, but I sucked at this challenge this time around 😦

Here’s the problem(s)

1. I really like to eat wheat products sometimes. Giving them up entirely is completely daunting, and makes me really really sad.

2. I love caffeine, and really enjoy my morning coffee. This is the only time I have caffeine. Not drinking it makes me irritable and sad. I’m sure I could get over it eventually, but damnit, I love looking forward to it in the mornings.

3.When I set these strict guidelines for myself, I mentally abuse myself if I so much as taste some yogurt or cheese based products. This is not a fun way to live and also makes me sad.

Basically, what I’m discovering is that when I completely restrict myself, I end up falling off the wagon even worse than I do if I mentally say that I will allow myself to have a bagel occasionally. Rather than have a couple bites of bagel, I’ll eat 3 of them if I feel restricted. Then comes the remorse, which causes me to eat more bagels.

I hit a wall this weekend where I finally came to some sort of acceptance that changing my diet drastically will not fix everything. It is not the magic solution to my PCOS. If someone told me that I could cure my PCOS completely if I spent the next 2 years eating a strict elimination diet with no exceptions, I honestly don’t think I could do it. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to fix my PCOS badly enough, it just means that I have to think about my quality of life and value that as well. I did not start this journey in this place, but I’m here now. I need medication.

Hubs and I have been doing a lot better, and had a discussion this weekend about dipping our toes into “trying” again. I am going to start on my birth control, get a period, and then see if the BCP helps me to ovulate for the first month I’m off it (I ovulated the first month off BCP the last time). We will try to “catch” the ovulation next month. If that doesn’t happen, it’s back on BCP and then on to Clomid.

During this time, I will try to eat as much gluten free/wheat free/ dairy free/ caffeine free/ alcohol free things, but I will not beat myself up if I slip a bit.

As for the exercise, I am continuing to do this just about every day. The weight loss has been extremely slow, and mostly non-existent which leads me to believe that my metabolism is fucked, I’m getting older, or my insulin resistance is making it much more difficult to loose weight. I’m thinking of getting back on 1,000mg of Metformin just to see if it can help me with the stubborn belly fat that will not go away.

Thus concludes my Monday update!

My 100th Post

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“When I was a girl…we used cigarettes to induce labor.”

Pregnancy 101’s fab post has inspired me to do a 100th Entry post as well!

It’s been a lightening fast five months. The concept that we are now four months into 2012 is crazy. Cray. Zee.

But seriously.

I could not have gotten through the last five months without the support of this blog community. I don’t know what I would have done…”thank you” isn’t enough. I wish I could give all of you a big IRL hug. Your comments, your advice, your funny, poignant, inspiring writing, the way you all bare the rawest, truest sides of yourselves…you are the reason that I feel strong enough to bear this journey. Because, at times, it can be a very lonely journey.

In purely scientific terms, I haven’t really progressed much in terms of where I’m at fertility-wise since I started the blog. After all of this time, I have still not ovulated. Who the hell knows if this new fangled diet will have any impact. There is no way to know if I am any closer to conceiving than I was back in November. These last five months have been a trial to see if my body will wake up and join the party…but I think it’s safe to say after 100 posts that my party is just not cool enough for Syndee and Ali. I will need to resort to more drastic measures to get them to attend, ie: Clomid. Beyond that, I do not know.

On November 10, 2011, this blog was born. I honestly had no idea how blogging would be, or what I would experience through writing, only that I needed to write A) because I needed an outlet to brain dump all of my fertility related anxieties and B) I was driving Hubs nuts with my constant obsessing over fertility. What I have ultimately gained from writing is more than just an outlet. I gained an inlet. I gained a community.

In the course of the blog, and attempting to remedy my ovulation problems I have:

Named my period something other than Aunt Flo

Took Provera, and didn’t even freaking bleed from it (thanks, low estrogen!)

Took Metformin for 2 months (and have subsequently stopped–I couldn’t handle the 24/7 diarrhea)

Took Soy Isoflavones (they did nothing. NOTHING.)

Got a killer bladder infection that I attempted to wait out for a week to see if it cleared on its own. BIG mistake.

Traveled to Toronto.

Sprained my neck in yoga and haven’t been back since. I suck.

Had dinner with an Uber Fertile who loves to use me ordering water instead of booze as an awkward segue into whether or not I am TTC.

Had an awesome Oscars Party at my house.

Named my ovaries.

Met Intuitive Health Lady.

Got Hub’s SA results back

Ate soup dumplings in NYC!

Hung with HRF in Boston!

Started my Elimination Diet and began my Poop Diary.

And now, here we are.

Thanks for coming along for the ride with me. Here’s to another 100 entries!

 

 

RIP, Vibrator

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Ahhh, back from Palm Springs, and refreshed! Hubs and I had an amazing time, and I was even able to relax given that he forbid me to make hard and fast dinner reservations for the sake of his sanity. We ended up finding an ah-may-zing restaurant right near our hotel that will go down as one of the best meals I’ve had in the last 5 years. If you’re ever in the Palm Springs area, do your mouth a favor and try Solano’s  Bistro. Holy crap. Ah-may-zing.

I’m still sleeping like shit, unfortunately. But, as is usually the case when I’m up at night, strange to-do-lists and random thoughts pop into my head. In last night’s case, I was lying in bed when my eyes popped wide open as I remembered that I left my vibrator in the hotel room in the little drawer next to the bible. Not only will I be missing my trusty friend…I can imagine some poor cleaning woman shaking her head and gingerly picking it up with gloves on…or maybe it’s still sitting in the bible drawer keeping Jesus company…at any rate, the thought was enough to cause me to cringe at 3AM this morning.

I have a weird feeling that 2012 will be a big year…although I can’t quite tell if it’s because I’m going to kick up the fertility stuff a good notch or two and I’m psyching myself out. I have not started my Metformin yet, but will do that Jan 2. I still haven’t gotten a “real” flow from the Provera…my last pill of the batch of 10 I took was on Monday. I’m continuing to spot a bit here and there, and have been continuing to have horrible night sweats and dry skin (I’m attributing this to low estrogen levels, even though I haven’t confirmed this with a blood test yet…) If I don’t get a period in the next week, I’m seeing the doc again.

Step #1:Buy a new vibrator ASAP!

Step #2: Start the Met next week. See the doc if my period hasn’t arrived yet. I still want to get some blood work done so I have a baseline for everything to come this year.

Step #3: Cross my fingers that I can start to cycle on Met. Also start some acupuncture.

Step #4: Attempt to maintain sanity and not drive Hubs crazy through all of this. Attempt to keep some semblance of a normal, sexy sex life…not just neurotic temp-based sex.