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Fertile Q&A #1

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Your well-meaning questions shouldn't annoy me, but they do.  Here are some common comments and questions I get about difficulties TTC when speaking to women with normal cycles (aka Fertiles) who have never been more than a day late for their period (and that was only when they were, like, reeeealllly stressed about finals in college!) Excuse me while I punch myself in the face repeatedly.

  Are you temping?

Yes, of course I’m temping, you silly little Fertile. My temperatures, unlike yours, don’t start low, do a gorgeous preovulation dip, and soar to flying heights after ovulation until I test on CD 28 to see if I may be “preggo!”. You see, my basal body temperature looks more like….how do I put this in laymen’s terms?… a Richter Scale chart? For example, my temperature has remained elevated for 16 days now–a sure tell sign that if I were you, I’d be knocked up. I’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests. All negative.

  Make sure you remember to relax.

Definitely, Fertiles! I’ll remember to keep that in mind as I’m sobbing in my pillow about feeling completely unwomanly that I don’t get a regular period, along with dealing with trying to time sex with my husband on the off chance that a miracle egg will pop from my cystic ovary some time in the next 3 months.

I hear Robitussin helps thin your cervical mucus. Have you tried that?

I haven’t yet. I’m too busy looking for the over-the-counter syrup that will remove the waxy, crusty, cystic, deflated fluid sacs on my ovaries so I can FUCKING OVULATE.

Why are you being so mean?

Because I want to conceive with my husband and create a family with him, and I’m jealous of anyone who ovulates on their own without any knowledge or whiff of a care that it’s really goddamn hard for some of us. I feel like it’s taken for granted. I know it’s shitty that I’m pissed at Fertiles. It’s not their fault they’re normal. I just want to experience childbirth, and child raising, and be an amazing mother. I am scared shitless about what infertility could do to my marriage, my sex life, and my health. I’m sorry.