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I’m awsome.

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Against my wishes, my ovaries just got a tattoo:

Yes, ovaries. You certainly are awsome.

It’s CD21, and I need to accept that this cycle is officially a bust. No more ferning on my ovulation slides, a few failed ovulation tests, erratic BBT, low, hard, closed cervix, and sticky CM. Take the hint, Sunny.

I just keep thinking back to that uncomfortable look on my gyno’s face last week when he was trying to make it seem like I still had a “slim” possibility of ovulating. I’m not a dumb ass. I could see the writing on the wall even then with my shitty 7mm folicle. I fucking HATE when people try and spare the truth. (rant).

Nope, these ovaries aren’t ovulating this month. The lights are on, the bar’s closing up, and my ovaries are just starting to look sweaty and ugly now.

Time to go home now, ovaries. Time to go home.

My ovaries laughed in the face of 50mg of Clomid. Laughed, and probably formed a whole bunch of cysts which are now sitting there releasing testosterone into my system, thus further preventing ovulation. Dr. Good Eggs called and left a message a couple of days ago about my testosterone blood test results. A normal range for a pre-menopausal woman is between 15-40ish. Mine was 78. Basically, I’m lucky I don’t have a full beard and balls right now. I feel like it will be very difficult to ovulate with my testosterone levels the way they are, and I’m almost doubting that it will be worth 100mg of Clomid right now if my system is so screwed with the hormone levels. But try I will.

He says the Met should help with the testosterone levels, and I have been taking 2,000mg religiously for the last week. I’ve had a few bloating episodes, and the occasional bowel issues, but nothing close to what I had worried about. 6 months from now (which feels like an eternity), I will get another test to see if my testosterone levels have gone down.

I know that I’m not even close to exhausting my ovulation options–I’ve really just begun dipping my toe into fertility meds…but I just wanted a “win”, you know?

On the flip side, I went on my first long run in a very long time yesterday. 7 miles, and I am HURTING today, but it made me remember how much I loved running, and how good it is for my anxiety levels and overall well being. I’m hoping to go on another shorter run today, and keep it up.

Happy Labor Day Weekend (I feel ironic writing this on an IF blog.)

 

Alcohol

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Wine. Beer. Vodka. Mixers. Martinis. Margaritas. Daquiris. Tequila shots. Scotch.

If it’s alcoholic, I’ve probably tried it. And…frankly…I’ve probably liked it.

At the risk of this turning into some sort of 12 Step blog, I have been noticing how hard it’s been for me in the last couple of months since TTC to stop drinking completely. Everything I’ve read about PCOS has said that drinking can be very hard on your hormone levels, and that it increases testosterone levels in the body which can mess up ovulation (judging by my chin hairs and blood tests, I already have more than enough testosterone thankyouverymuch). Yet even armed with this information, I find that I haven’t been able to go more than a week without caving and having a glass or two of wine at dinner. I had two glasses on Saturday at dinner with my grandparents, and a couple of glasses out with friends during last week. The difficulty I’m having with quitting drinking is scaring me. Am I THAT dependent on alcohol? Why is it so hard for me to go without it?

I don’t want to speak for anyone else out here, but for me, alcohol is a way I can get the repetitive thoughts to stop hamster wheeling it through my brain. With PCOS and the fear of infertility, alcohol subdues those thoughts and allows me to relax. It’s a way for Socially Awkward Me to chill out at parties. It’s a way that I calm down after a bad day at work. It’s a way I connect with friends…It all sounds very sad to admit, but alcohol has been a crutch for me for a long time.

With the holidays here, the levels of drinking amongst friends and family escalate. I’ve already been to two parties without alcohol, and I felt awkward making small talk. The thought of New Year’s Eve without being buzzed feels wrong…I wish that I didn’t identify joy and festivities with feeling buzzed.

Anyhow. I hope no one judges me for feeling like I’ll miss alcohol terribly if I can’t have it to fall back on…I have re-read this post, and feel a bit pathetic. But I also know that in the realm of TTC, alcohol (and the lack thereof) has been something I’ve been trying to quietly deal with for months now. I can’t promise I will be perfect, but I guess this entry is my way of putting it out there that this is something I’ve been struggling with for a while, and I’m going to be stepping up my efforts to stop drinking completely.

If you see me at a New Year’s Eve party, I’ll be the one awkwardly standing in the corner with an O’Doule’s.